Friday, October 30, 2009
Why are you still here? Haven’t you disintegrated into hate yet? No? Maybe deep down in the abyss of your filthy heart lies a modicum of love, a tiny glowing bit amongst all that darkness. Search for it. Find it and don’t let it go. With proper care it will grow and one day you may be whole. It is a long shot considering your current condition but try for the sake of those around you...
My First Memory
My first memory came when I was two years old. I had watched Superman on TV and wanting to emulate him I tied a towel around my neck and ran around the house. When I reached my parents bedroom I would dive onto their bed as if I were flying. I did this over and over again. I guess I got tired because on my final attempt at flying I underestimated the distance to the bed and flew right into the metal railing on the side. My two front teeth got knocked out. I remember seeing them lying bloody on the floor.
For four years I didn't have front teeth which made eating an apple nearly impossible. Oh, and my next memory is of going to the dental surgeon. In fact it had such an impact on me that when I drive down Front Street in Harrisburg I can still pick out the building which housed the dental surgeon's office...
For four years I didn't have front teeth which made eating an apple nearly impossible. Oh, and my next memory is of going to the dental surgeon. In fact it had such an impact on me that when I drive down Front Street in Harrisburg I can still pick out the building which housed the dental surgeon's office...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
It’s not what I want. Well, part of it is and part of it isn’t. Can we separate the two? Can we agree to B without A? Because A isn’t cool with me--A would keep me from being me. You really wouldn’t want that would you? B would alone would allow for my transgressions of which there inevitably be more than a few. So what do you say? A little B goes a long way…
I remember when I was about 11 years old not batting well in a little league game. Afterward my Mom and my two sisters and brother and I went to the practice field. My Dad had a meeting that night so he couldn’t be around. I was lacking confidence at the plate due to a cocksucker coach that constantly put me down. I knew enough then to know he was a loser but being a kid there was nothing I could do. My anxiety grew and my self-confidence was almost non-existent.
So we gathered up ten baseballs or so and my Mom took the pitchers mound. I doubt she had thrown a ball in years—not since she played softball in high school--but she threw many that night. At first I bailed out of the batters box, afraid of the ball but still she threw as hard as she could. “Don’t move away from the ball,” she said. My brother and sisters fetched the balls and with each pitch my confidence began little by little to return. Soon I was hitting the ball out of the park again and still she threw and threw. She threw to me until her arm would barely move and it was so dark she was afraid we’d lose my siblings.
The next day when I went down to breakfast my Mom tried to pick up a frying pan of eggs from the stove but she dropped it. Her arm was too sore to lift it. I realized then that she must have been in pain while throwing to me the night before but she hadn’t said a word. And it was then that I decided that no one else would decide my fate that I wouldn’t quit on myself because she would never quit on me.
In the next game I went 3-4. My only out coming when I hit a ball deep into the woods but the left fielder was playing way back. He blindly stuck his glove in the air and caught the ball. The fans from the other team stood and cheered. I later learned that it was the only ball the kid had ever caught.
So we gathered up ten baseballs or so and my Mom took the pitchers mound. I doubt she had thrown a ball in years—not since she played softball in high school--but she threw many that night. At first I bailed out of the batters box, afraid of the ball but still she threw as hard as she could. “Don’t move away from the ball,” she said. My brother and sisters fetched the balls and with each pitch my confidence began little by little to return. Soon I was hitting the ball out of the park again and still she threw and threw. She threw to me until her arm would barely move and it was so dark she was afraid we’d lose my siblings.
The next day when I went down to breakfast my Mom tried to pick up a frying pan of eggs from the stove but she dropped it. Her arm was too sore to lift it. I realized then that she must have been in pain while throwing to me the night before but she hadn’t said a word. And it was then that I decided that no one else would decide my fate that I wouldn’t quit on myself because she would never quit on me.
In the next game I went 3-4. My only out coming when I hit a ball deep into the woods but the left fielder was playing way back. He blindly stuck his glove in the air and caught the ball. The fans from the other team stood and cheered. I later learned that it was the only ball the kid had ever caught.
The first girl I kissed was in Kindergarten. She came over to my house to play on a day we didn’t have school. We decided to build a house out of pillows next to my bed.
She said, “We’ll play house. You be the dad and I’ll be the mom.
I said, “Okay.”
She leaned towards me. “Moms and dads have to kiss when the dad comes home from work and you just came home from work.”
We both leaned in and kissed each other on the lips and then we did it again. I must have come home fifty times that day and after a while my Mom called for us. Evidently we had been too quiet. I didn’t want to stop kissing her but I heard my Mom’s footsteps and so we had to leave our pillow house.
After that day we sat next to each other all the time in class and I went to her house a few times. She told me we were going to get married some day and I believed her until I noticed another girl noticing me one day. Her name was Paula and after school one day she came up to me and said, “I really like your hair it looks like the Beatles.” Karen and I didn’t last the rest of the year.
She said, “We’ll play house. You be the dad and I’ll be the mom.
I said, “Okay.”
She leaned towards me. “Moms and dads have to kiss when the dad comes home from work and you just came home from work.”
We both leaned in and kissed each other on the lips and then we did it again. I must have come home fifty times that day and after a while my Mom called for us. Evidently we had been too quiet. I didn’t want to stop kissing her but I heard my Mom’s footsteps and so we had to leave our pillow house.
After that day we sat next to each other all the time in class and I went to her house a few times. She told me we were going to get married some day and I believed her until I noticed another girl noticing me one day. Her name was Paula and after school one day she came up to me and said, “I really like your hair it looks like the Beatles.” Karen and I didn’t last the rest of the year.
I want to come to grips with your hips, pull you close and go down...Where? I think you know. To that place, the space between your….maybe I should rephrase that and try it from another angle. Maybe I would start low and come up or approach you from the side? If that doesn’t work I could bring you flowers and a bottle of apple brandy. We could drink that up and just see what happens. ?
The Clothesline
When I was six years old my family lived in an old stone house in Union Depost, Pennsylvania. Behind the house ran a stream, woods, and then a big open field. Of course on a daily basis I managed to come in covered in mud or dirt or whatever else might be around. I did this on my own but sometimes I had help.
My uncle Joey was only 7 years older than me and lived less than ten miles away. Often he would come over to visit and we would end up outside. I ended up doing his bidding a lot like picking corn from the farmer's field so he could throw it at Halloween. When we divided the corn up I got a tiny little pot full and he had several giant bags of it. I was upset because I thought I could eat the corn.
I was cautious of what Joey might ask me to do but I was young and gullible too. In the back yard we had a clothesline that was attached to pulleys. The clothesline started about five feet off the ground and rose to about twenty feet at the other end. Both pulleys were screwed into trees.
Joey and I were playing with the clothes line and he said, “Hold onto the clothes line. I reel you out and then bring you back in.”
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure he would reel me back in. He sensed this and said, “Come on don’t be a baby.”
Well, I didn’t want to be considered a baby so I grabbed onto the clothes line and Joey began to reel me out. I rose up over our garden higher and higher. I was scared but there was no way I was going to be a baby.
“Okay, you can bring me back now,” I called.
Joey just laughed and kept reeling me higher and further out. It seemed like I was up there for hours until finally I reached the other end.
“Okay, bring me back,” I cried.
I looked back and Joey was gone. I tried not to panic but it was a long way down and I felt my grip slipping. I tried to turn around and go back but I wasn’t strong enough and I fell. As I plummeted towards the ground I thought I was going to die and how mad my Mom would be at Joey.
When I hit it wasn’t hard like I expected but wet and muddy. I had landed in a huge mud puddle that was two feet deep. As I climbed out of the mud puddle I looked up at the house and I could see Joey laughing hysterically. I started to laugh too and slipped and fell back in the puddle.
I knew Mom wouldn’t care because I came in muddy every day and it was no use telling on Joey he would just make up an excuse. So I stuck a big glob of mud in my pocket and walked up to the yard. Joey was on the ground rolling around laughing. I took the mud out of my pocket and threw it onto his red and white striped shirt. I was learning what it was like to have a big brother…
My uncle Joey was only 7 years older than me and lived less than ten miles away. Often he would come over to visit and we would end up outside. I ended up doing his bidding a lot like picking corn from the farmer's field so he could throw it at Halloween. When we divided the corn up I got a tiny little pot full and he had several giant bags of it. I was upset because I thought I could eat the corn.
I was cautious of what Joey might ask me to do but I was young and gullible too. In the back yard we had a clothesline that was attached to pulleys. The clothesline started about five feet off the ground and rose to about twenty feet at the other end. Both pulleys were screwed into trees.
Joey and I were playing with the clothes line and he said, “Hold onto the clothes line. I reel you out and then bring you back in.”
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure he would reel me back in. He sensed this and said, “Come on don’t be a baby.”
Well, I didn’t want to be considered a baby so I grabbed onto the clothes line and Joey began to reel me out. I rose up over our garden higher and higher. I was scared but there was no way I was going to be a baby.
“Okay, you can bring me back now,” I called.
Joey just laughed and kept reeling me higher and further out. It seemed like I was up there for hours until finally I reached the other end.
“Okay, bring me back,” I cried.
I looked back and Joey was gone. I tried not to panic but it was a long way down and I felt my grip slipping. I tried to turn around and go back but I wasn’t strong enough and I fell. As I plummeted towards the ground I thought I was going to die and how mad my Mom would be at Joey.
When I hit it wasn’t hard like I expected but wet and muddy. I had landed in a huge mud puddle that was two feet deep. As I climbed out of the mud puddle I looked up at the house and I could see Joey laughing hysterically. I started to laugh too and slipped and fell back in the puddle.
I knew Mom wouldn’t care because I came in muddy every day and it was no use telling on Joey he would just make up an excuse. So I stuck a big glob of mud in my pocket and walked up to the yard. Joey was on the ground rolling around laughing. I took the mud out of my pocket and threw it onto his red and white striped shirt. I was learning what it was like to have a big brother…
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
“Don’t fall in love me,” Angela warned.
“I couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m too busy courting the world.”
“I know,” she said, grabbing me by the collar. “Look at all you have. You can make people laugh.”
“Sure, I can make people laugh but with that gift comes a great debt. I pay for every joke I crack, every law I break, every moral I transcend. This life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“Or I won’t be but in the end none of this will matter anyway.”
“Yes, it will.”
“No, I believe we’re all here for a purpose and that purpose is to show that there is no purpose, no rhyme or reason to anything. In the end it all breaks down into chaos.”
"I want chaos."
"You've found the right guy."
“I couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m too busy courting the world.”
“I know,” she said, grabbing me by the collar. “Look at all you have. You can make people laugh.”
“Sure, I can make people laugh but with that gift comes a great debt. I pay for every joke I crack, every law I break, every moral I transcend. This life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“Or I won’t be but in the end none of this will matter anyway.”
“Yes, it will.”
“No, I believe we’re all here for a purpose and that purpose is to show that there is no purpose, no rhyme or reason to anything. In the end it all breaks down into chaos.”
"I want chaos."
"You've found the right guy."
You don’t get the big picture, the big fun, the big laugh and that’s a damn shame. Even sadness has its humorous side if you drink enough. For god’s sake man pull yourself up out of the muck and embrace life or at least grab its tits. There’s no reason to trudge through the days like you’re carrying a Buick Regal on your back. I see too many sad son-of-a-bitches hating every inch of life. Sure, we all have our blue times and our out of sort days but there is too much fruit on the trees not to pick it and eat it and be full. So fucking eat like the Romans and puke it up afterwards if you must but enjoy the journey. Don’t squander it. I’ll be watching…
Little One
Little one its time you listened to what reality is. It is not what you have been told; I paved the path for you, took those punches for you, left blood on the stoop for you. Took the worst of it so you could have the best of it and you don’t even know. Don’t know the beauty of your luck or how it made my life so hard. I hope the princess finds her pea and her dyke dreams come true--long hair hanging out the tower window and she drives up on a Harley and yanks you down. You’d like that wouldn’t you? I hope it all works out. Really, I don’t mind getting fucked over again but remember when you need me most I’ll be on the West Coast too far away to hear your cries.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I awoke to the hideous squeal of some moron pulling into a parking spot out front of my brother’s row house in Georgetown. I pulled back the blinds and saw him trying to maneuver a new Porsche into a spot that a tricycle couldn’t have fit in. Evidently this little zit faced bastards had just gotten his hands on his trust fund and gone out and bought the first really stupid item he could find and decided to ruin my sleep. He would pay.
Dressed only in my bikini briefs and Burmese jungle boots I flew out the front door with my brother’s two French bulldogs following me. “You fucking little bastard. Have you no decency? Hard drinking people are trying to sleep around here.”
He looked scared and well he should have. “It’s one-thirty in the afternoon. I hit my brakes because I didn’t want to hit a squirrel. That’s what made my tires squeal.”
I looked up at the sun and it did seem rather high in the sky to still be morning but then stranger things had happened. “Squirrels are not native to this area. You may have seen a giant sewer rat or some form of weasel but no decent squirrel would run out in front of a gaudy car like that.”
The kid was shaking now and I was sure he’d learned some sort of lesson, though I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was. “Go about your business just keep that loud car off this street.”
He quickly gave me the finger and peeled out. Luckily I was quick enough to kick his rear driver’s side quarter panel with my Burmese jungle boots and left a nice dent in it.
I gathered up the dogs and went back inside. The clock on the wall read 1:15. By god that little bastard had been right. I had slept the better part of a day away. On the coffee table in front of the couch I had slept on were the contents of my pockets from the night before. And then it all started to come back to me…well, some of it. I remembered the redheaded bartender with the big breasts and the star tattoo on her neck but other than that it was very fuzzy.
I filtered through the things from my pockets on the coffee table: cash, matches, condoms, chewing gum, license, credit card…I was missing my ATM card and I had just deposited a significant amount of cashed I received from a piece I had written for a porn magazine. I had to find that card before some degenerate paint sniffer found it and bought up the tri-state are supply of gold spray paint.
I yelled for my brother. “Get down here we have an emergency!”
My brother came running down the stairs. “What is it?”
I tried to pull on my jeans and nearly fell over the coffee table. “My debit card is gone. I fear someone stole it.”
My brother was used to my outbursts. “You probably just left it at the bar last night.”
I buckled my pants and put my boots back on. “Come on we don’t have any time to waste. I fear the worst.”
“Why what happened after I left last night?”
“I have no idea.”
* * *
Terrible scenarios raced through my head as we walked to the bar we had been at the previous night. What had I done in the two hours after my brother had left to go home? I’d been known to make a huge ass out of myself and had been banned from some of the best establishments in the United States.
The redheaded bartender that had been there the night before was working again. When she saw me her face lit up. So far so good. I leaned over the bar. She kissed me on the cheek. “What’s up?”
She greeted me as if I were a long lost friend. Had she dropped a mickey in my drink and taken advantage of me? I hoped so.
“Oh my god I have never seen anyone drink that much before. You had 21 beers on your tab when you closed it out. Then you had about 3 or 4 more. I also comped you about four beers and you had one downstairs. You drank 30 beers. That is so cool.”
Most women would be repulsed by such a spectacle but this girl was special. “It’s nothing to be proud of.”
My brother pulled up to the bar. “He only drinks every six months or so. In fact he didn’t drink for over a year until recently.”
She leaned over and her abundant cleavage toppled onto the bar and rested there like two bean bag chairs. “I know he told me last night.” She winked at me.
It was then that I had a flashback of sitting with her on the kitchen steps out back. I vaguely remembered her large breasts being exposed. Had she told me she had done some video taping of us? That seemed familiar. Dear god what I had I gotten myself into?
She leaned closer and handed me my credit card. I saw the star tattoo on her neck and remembered kissing it. “You left this last night.” She handed me my credit card. “So, are we still on for tonight?”
“Tonight? Oh, yeah, uh, what did we decide on? Nothing involving cameras I hope.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m just camera shy.”
She smiled and I remembered that mouth and…
Dressed only in my bikini briefs and Burmese jungle boots I flew out the front door with my brother’s two French bulldogs following me. “You fucking little bastard. Have you no decency? Hard drinking people are trying to sleep around here.”
He looked scared and well he should have. “It’s one-thirty in the afternoon. I hit my brakes because I didn’t want to hit a squirrel. That’s what made my tires squeal.”
I looked up at the sun and it did seem rather high in the sky to still be morning but then stranger things had happened. “Squirrels are not native to this area. You may have seen a giant sewer rat or some form of weasel but no decent squirrel would run out in front of a gaudy car like that.”
The kid was shaking now and I was sure he’d learned some sort of lesson, though I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was. “Go about your business just keep that loud car off this street.”
He quickly gave me the finger and peeled out. Luckily I was quick enough to kick his rear driver’s side quarter panel with my Burmese jungle boots and left a nice dent in it.
I gathered up the dogs and went back inside. The clock on the wall read 1:15. By god that little bastard had been right. I had slept the better part of a day away. On the coffee table in front of the couch I had slept on were the contents of my pockets from the night before. And then it all started to come back to me…well, some of it. I remembered the redheaded bartender with the big breasts and the star tattoo on her neck but other than that it was very fuzzy.
I filtered through the things from my pockets on the coffee table: cash, matches, condoms, chewing gum, license, credit card…I was missing my ATM card and I had just deposited a significant amount of cashed I received from a piece I had written for a porn magazine. I had to find that card before some degenerate paint sniffer found it and bought up the tri-state are supply of gold spray paint.
I yelled for my brother. “Get down here we have an emergency!”
My brother came running down the stairs. “What is it?”
I tried to pull on my jeans and nearly fell over the coffee table. “My debit card is gone. I fear someone stole it.”
My brother was used to my outbursts. “You probably just left it at the bar last night.”
I buckled my pants and put my boots back on. “Come on we don’t have any time to waste. I fear the worst.”
“Why what happened after I left last night?”
“I have no idea.”
* * *
Terrible scenarios raced through my head as we walked to the bar we had been at the previous night. What had I done in the two hours after my brother had left to go home? I’d been known to make a huge ass out of myself and had been banned from some of the best establishments in the United States.
The redheaded bartender that had been there the night before was working again. When she saw me her face lit up. So far so good. I leaned over the bar. She kissed me on the cheek. “What’s up?”
She greeted me as if I were a long lost friend. Had she dropped a mickey in my drink and taken advantage of me? I hoped so.
“Oh my god I have never seen anyone drink that much before. You had 21 beers on your tab when you closed it out. Then you had about 3 or 4 more. I also comped you about four beers and you had one downstairs. You drank 30 beers. That is so cool.”
Most women would be repulsed by such a spectacle but this girl was special. “It’s nothing to be proud of.”
My brother pulled up to the bar. “He only drinks every six months or so. In fact he didn’t drink for over a year until recently.”
She leaned over and her abundant cleavage toppled onto the bar and rested there like two bean bag chairs. “I know he told me last night.” She winked at me.
It was then that I had a flashback of sitting with her on the kitchen steps out back. I vaguely remembered her large breasts being exposed. Had she told me she had done some video taping of us? That seemed familiar. Dear god what I had I gotten myself into?
She leaned closer and handed me my credit card. I saw the star tattoo on her neck and remembered kissing it. “You left this last night.” She handed me my credit card. “So, are we still on for tonight?”
“Tonight? Oh, yeah, uh, what did we decide on? Nothing involving cameras I hope.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m just camera shy.”
She smiled and I remembered that mouth and…
I put on some wrap around shades and a pair of fire mitts and reached up and took down the brightest star I could find. I then lined a gift box with asbestos and placed the star inside. That night as we sat in my car making out I took the box out from under my seat and handed it to you. You looked confused and asked what you had done to deserve a gift. I said just being you was enough. You opened the box and your eyes lit up. You knew then I would do anything for you. We then had sex by the light of the star. The next day I woke up and you had a beautiful tan with no lines…
Monday, October 26, 2009
Oh, I how I loathe thee--thee of course being me. Yes, I am self-loathing and in fact quite creepy. At times when you snap my picture in the wrong light I resemble Uncle Fester. I have no friends except for my Mom--we go to bingo every Friday night. I also never cut my toenails and shower only weekly, if that much. I drink milk from the bottle so that half of what sits in the refrigerator is backwash and I serve it to guests. I envy people with more hair than me--no really, I have a photo of Tiny Tim on my mantle. I also worship money because it buys happiness…okay, perhaps I should stop because there are so many things I loathe about myself that it would take an entire day to write them down and I would just be creating something else that I loathe about myself which is making other people loathe me…
Friday, October 23, 2009
That some of you will never get this mind has to be okay. There are of versions of me yet to be unveiled and in due time you will see. I never want my mind to stop expanding, to lay stagnant like death. This necessitates movement of the body to places only thoughts should go. You can spend your life wishing or you can spend your life searching. I chose the latter though it takes me further away from you.
You were a great actor and all my heart was your stage. You played your part well until your lines were forgotten. And then show abruptly stopped and the curtains fell hard. The lights went out around me and I was left standing alone in the dark wondering if the show would start again. Now as I collect my thoughts to leave I can see what might have been if only you weren’t such a great actor but rather just my friend.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I was at the gym last night talking to Big Todd and I was talking about the rap album we are collaborating on. Sincerely, I asked him “what is some good gangster rap” because I like to listen to it sometimes when I lift. Todd looked at me with great seriousness and said, “I don’t know I have some from two years ago or so on my MP3 player.” And then I remembered…Todd listens to Dave Matthews. Can you see this huge guy jamming to Dave Mathews while he’s squatting 900 pounds? Me either. Or maybe that was his wife that likes Dave Matthews? Hmm, what is he listening to on the MP3 player? ABBA? Barney? Maybe I should just ask him…
And another thing. I’ve never seen Todd get mad. He might get slightly irritated but then he always seems to laugh about whatever it was that annoyed him. Damn it he never lets me be angry. He always has to laugh and then I’m stuck laughing too. Now Billie on the other hand has gone off on me a few times. What can you expect? She is a redhead…I think. We love to discuss politics…
And another thing. I’ve never seen Todd get mad. He might get slightly irritated but then he always seems to laugh about whatever it was that annoyed him. Damn it he never lets me be angry. He always has to laugh and then I’m stuck laughing too. Now Billie on the other hand has gone off on me a few times. What can you expect? She is a redhead…I think. We love to discuss politics…
It is true. There are some things you can never take back. Like underwear you wore for two weeks to the department store in which you purchased them. You can’t take back a half-eaten sandwich or half-used tube of toothpaste. And of course there are words. Some people seem to forget about this. I am intimate with words and know what they can do. Some people treat them casually and don’t understand what they’ve unleashed until its forever too late. I treat them like a loaded gun and when I’m not writing the safety is always on…
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
One Chance to be human
You get one chance to ring the bell.
You get one chance to say good-bye.
You get one chance at life
You get one chance at death.
You get one chance at me.
You got no more chances.
So long kid.
You get one chance to say good-bye.
You get one chance at life
You get one chance at death.
You get one chance at me.
You got no more chances.
So long kid.
Last night my power went out at nine o’clock and didn’t come back on until I had already gone to bed. So, I couldn’t put the finishing touches on my latest Burma story and I couldn’t finish the CD cover for Cindy Lou. To make matters worse I tried to turn on my fairly new computer this morning and it was dead. I think it got fried. I will check it again when I get home but it’s not looking good…
Boycotting Heaven
I have come to the conclusion that dying is overrated and therefore I have decided to not take part in the whole mortality thing. My preparation for living forever shall begin here today and I shall document it so that others may follow my example. I will simply refuse to age, not partake in gray and then white hair or sagging skin or aching joints. I will never let my home smell like moth balls or stop going to the gym. I shall will my heart to keep beating long after it should have stopped and tie a board to my back so that it never bends. I will stay away from the tunnel and wear sunglasses so I can’t see the light. I will buy futures in coal in hopes I will live to see it turn to diamonds. Fuck dying I’m having too much fun now and I never want it to end.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Well, I knew it would happen eventually. Muggsy and I were banned for life from the Bunny Ranch. When you live on the edge, your toes hanging over and your weight shifted forward, your teeth gritted on the pin of the grenade of life, and a 70-pound rock of possibility balancing on your head, something will have to eventually give. And so it did at the Bunny Ranch when someone shoved Muggsy at the bar because the retired star whore in residence who came back out of retirement just to see Muggsy turned down his money. I know she has a thing for Muggsy but his freewheeling bachelor lifestyle doesn’t allow him to be tied down to one woman, even a woman of her abundant talents. At any rate this guy took offense to her affection for Muggsy and of course I had to get involved and cold cocked the mother fucker with a magnum of Dom Perignon. We spent the night running through the desert and made it back to the airport just in time to catch our flight back. I will call the Bunny Ranch this week and try to smooth things over. Muggsy has been distraught all week and I feel responsible…
New Jersey Mass Murderer Dies at 88
A recluse who read the Bible and loved guns, he was convinced his neighbors were ridiculing him behind his back and plotting against him. He was also depressed about his homosexual liaisons in a Philadelphia movie theater.
http://news.aol.com/article/howard-barton-unruh-new-jersey-mass/723531
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And you wonder why I had a gun and bible burning party Sunday night? Well, it is also to get back at those radicals that burn literature because they don't have the intellect to understand it.
Yes, the gun and bible burning Sunday night was a success. I had over 500 people that came and with the help of local sponsorship I passed out over 275 cases of beer. We had several incidences of people trying to pass big dictionaries off as bibles but these fakers were quickly led off the premises. I am happy to report that no one attempted to pass off a toy gun as a real gun.
I'm not against hunting or target shooting but for god's sake do you really need an automatic weapon to shoot a squirrel? Look at all the lunatics that are going out and just blasting people away. You really think something shouldn't be done about this? I bet if it were your family member that got shot you would think differently...
Lyrics from Rollins Band song Civilized
I wonder what you're like without the gun
I'd like to see when you're not hiding behind the gun
how you've lived your life without the gun
'cause I know how I lived mine
because you got one, yeah, 'cause that's what it is
you hide behind your gun
you gotta have a gun then you're just another pig to me
By BRUCE SHIPKOWSKI, AP
An excerpt from this article:
An excerpt from this article:
A recluse who read the Bible and loved guns, he was convinced his neighbors were ridiculing him behind his back and plotting against him. He was also depressed about his homosexual liaisons in a Philadelphia movie theater.
http://news.aol.com/article/howard-barton-unruh-new-jersey-mass/723531
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And you wonder why I had a gun and bible burning party Sunday night? Well, it is also to get back at those radicals that burn literature because they don't have the intellect to understand it.
Yes, the gun and bible burning Sunday night was a success. I had over 500 people that came and with the help of local sponsorship I passed out over 275 cases of beer. We had several incidences of people trying to pass big dictionaries off as bibles but these fakers were quickly led off the premises. I am happy to report that no one attempted to pass off a toy gun as a real gun.
I'm not against hunting or target shooting but for god's sake do you really need an automatic weapon to shoot a squirrel? Look at all the lunatics that are going out and just blasting people away. You really think something shouldn't be done about this? I bet if it were your family member that got shot you would think differently...
Lyrics from Rollins Band song Civilized
I wonder what you're like without the gun
I'd like to see when you're not hiding behind the gun
how you've lived your life without the gun
'cause I know how I lived mine
because you got one, yeah, 'cause that's what it is
you hide behind your gun
you gotta have a gun then you're just another pig to me
Monday, October 19, 2009
Well, I finally asked her and she said yes. Thank-you, yes this is a wonderful day. I wasn’t sure I could do it but I did. Ever since I first saw her I knew. Friday is the day. She is so beautiful I can’t even put it into words so I am going to photograph her. That’s right. I asked her to pose nude for me and she said yes! Now I know there is a god...
A group of friends and I bought several bottles of grain alcohol and mixed it with fruit punch from the Seven Eleven. When we were done with the grain we hit my parent’s liquor cabinet but we still needed more booze so Red and I got in my car and drove into town. I was so fucked up I didn’t see the need to stop at the four way traffic stop and was about to blow through when Red jammed his foot down on mine and we screeched to a stop. A semi flew through the intersection.
Red laughed. “Damn, you weren’t going to stop.”
I hit the gas. “Probably not.”
“Well don’t do that again. You almost got us killed.”
We both laughed and continued into the pizza shop where a twenty-one year old was going to buy us booze.
Red laughed. “Damn, you weren’t going to stop.”
I hit the gas. “Probably not.”
“Well don’t do that again. You almost got us killed.”
We both laughed and continued into the pizza shop where a twenty-one year old was going to buy us booze.
We stood on that rock way up on that mountain and looked down over the river. I turned to kiss you but you were already gone. Your body was there but your mind was blown and there was no way you were coming back. I led you back to the car and we drove in silence back to your place. You got out of my car without a word and started to walk inside. You turned back once and I saw the tears on your face. I knew I would never see you again but I was happy. I drove off and haven’t seen you since…
Cottage 2006
How the hell does Luch manage to get in every damn picture I take? He always has to be the center of attention...
In this moment as I contemplate my life I can truly say I hate no one that I know or have known. It comes from an inner peace and perhaps fading memories or maybe hating just takes up too much energy. You are who you are or were and I am who I will always be. I can’t change you or your feelings nor do I want to. If I never see you again then you will always be the person I last knew good or bad. There is no going back. There is only tomorrow and the day after that. My hopes that all of you will live a good life and fulfill your dreams. If everyone I ever knew were happy how could I wish for anything else? That alone would be enough to sustain me and send me to my grave with a smile on my face…maybe I smoked too much pot tonight.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I am going to propose something that might seem outlandish at first but bear with me. What I propose is that if you are indeed mentally unhinged that you act that way all the time. Don’t put on an act and pretend you are a happy and fun person. Don’t smile and act shy. Eventually your true self will show through anyway so just be a raging lunatic all the time. Let your google eyes pop out! Hell, I will high five you as you run by me in the mall with your pants down around your ankles.
You see if you follow this plan then the rest of us don’t have to get to know you and find you keep a collection of rotting chicken bones under your bed or that you build replica model cars out of hair you find when you stalk people. We don’t have to be conned by your awe shucks bullshit only to find out that you have more mental problems than Charles Manson. This way all the people that are real and somewhat normal can reside on one side of town and all the fake crazies can reside on the other. We never have to cross paths again! Think about it. You can be with all your crazy friends and just let loose all the time. What a beautiful world it would be.
You see if you follow this plan then the rest of us don’t have to get to know you and find you keep a collection of rotting chicken bones under your bed or that you build replica model cars out of hair you find when you stalk people. We don’t have to be conned by your awe shucks bullshit only to find out that you have more mental problems than Charles Manson. This way all the people that are real and somewhat normal can reside on one side of town and all the fake crazies can reside on the other. We never have to cross paths again! Think about it. You can be with all your crazy friends and just let loose all the time. What a beautiful world it would be.
Evidently it has been said that I worship money--of course all my friends know this to be true. I sleep on a mattress of one-hundred dollar bills and I sell crack out of an ice-cream truck to pre-teens (this is how I fund my retirement account) when I’m not busy watching the Stock Market. So what I am going to propose is that the empty church down the road from my home be converted to the Church of the Almighty Dollar. I will be Pastor Dollar Signs and my sermons will be on strategies of how to rip off old, scared and gullible people. Oh, wait, that’s what some church’s do already. Damn, and I thought I was on to something. Back to the drawing board.
Cause I Love You
I bought myself a big shiny belt buckle with your picture laminated on it. I’m going out tonight and I’m going to spit shine that belt buckle so everyone in the bar can see you baby. When I two step the glare off your teeth shining off my belt buckle will look like a laser light show at one of them Pink Floyd gigs. I do that cause I love you baby. I’m also going to tie your dead Momma’s handkerchief around my cowboy thigh and make my leg go dead and then dance on the other leg. I do that cause I love you. And when it’s all said and done and then band plays its final tune I’ll down my last shot of Jack go out in the parking lot, take out my Colt and blow a hole in my head. Then we’ll be together in Hell forever, baby. I do that cause I love you baby that’s why I do what I do. Cause I love you.
In light of someone pointing out that I have a receding hairline—thank-you, I was totally unaware—I shall start shopping for toupees. So, if you see me with a pompadour please just go with it. Act natural. Pretend it’s high school again and there was never a time in-between my mullet and my current widowed peak. Buy me hair products for Christmas and gift certificates to the local hair dressers so I think you are all fooled. We can all live this beautiful hairy lie together and happiness will once again be ours.
Well, we're on a flight headed to the Bunny Ranch again. Muggsy talked me into it by promising he'd pay. We're both drunk as fuck and each took some sort of speed which will keep us up for the duration. We also procured a bottle of Mr. Blues and popped several of those. I'm sort of worried about that. I already have a hard on and we're only half way to our destination. I think on the commercials it said to call your doctor if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours. Fuck, what have I done? I think I'll ask the flight attendant for some ice...
Friday, October 16, 2009
-Welcome to my twisted world. If you are not prepared to be disturbed or at the very least uncomfortable then I would take two steps back and quietly shut the door. Those who know me will find characters I write through that they may not like. This is to be expected. What is fact and what is fiction? That is for you to decide. Those that know me know where my heart lies and what I would do for them. There should be then no question about my character. You know I’d confront the bad guys for you, take that bullet for you. It’s not that I don’t value my own life but I value you my friends even more so don’t forget that as you journey through my worlds that I am me and my writing is my writing. So please laugh and hate me if you have to but know I don’t mean anyone harm. I’m really just a big kid who wants people to be laughing when they lower him into the ground.
I thought things were okay with us and I guess I was wrong. Or maybe I just didn’t think enough about the future and all the bad things that could be. I had no reason to. Being with you made me happy and I was content with what we had. Sure, I hoped we would get to know each other better, do more things and we would grow closer but I didn’t want to ruin things with expectations. But you saw it differently. You thought of all the bad things that might happen and all the bad things I could be. I guess I can’t blame you for not taking a chance on me. I know I’m nobody special, my hairline is thin and I don’t care about being rich but what I did care about was you. We laughed together until my jaw hurt and when you hugged me I felt whole. I don’t have that now and I realize I probably never will and I’m empty inside because of it.
-I’m really rolling on my Burma Ludlow book. I hope to have a second draft done by the end of 2009. Hopefully by the spring it will be ready to send to my editor. Now, if I can only remember where I put my external hard drive last night. I can’t find the fucker and yes it has the only updated version of my book on it. Yeah, I know it’s stupid but what can I say? I like to live dangerously.
So, I get a message on my phone from Muggsy. Yes, it was from his I-Phone. (he loves when I tell people that). At any rate, it was one of his half hour long voicemails which are actually pretty entertaining. In this one he suggested we take one of my writing pieces and turn it into a short film. Muggsy went to art school in Kansas and is working on a degree in animation. He’s the most talented artist I’ve ever met. In fact in high school I had to design an album cover for an art project. I got Muggsy to do the Neil Young cover for me and it was really professional looking. In fact it was too good. When I got my grade back I was really disappointed to have received a B. I went to the teacher and asked her why I only got a B. She said, “I gave you a B on it. Muggsy got an A on it.” I didn’t complain, she knew it was too good to be mine and only one person in the school could have done that cover and he just happened to be one of my best friends. He wasn’t even in my class and she knew it was him. Ha ha I took the B.
I tried to call him back today but couldn’t reach him yet--he might have flown back out to the Bunny Ranch. ( I’m really afraid he has a full blown addiction on his hands ) I can see some really cool stuff developing here. And no this isn’t a porn movie (get your mind out of the gutter Luch). And this isn’t a ploy to pick up chicks…although I’m not against that if it happens. So we’ll pick one of my stories and work it into a screenplay. Next week we’re going to sit down with some cigars and bourbon and start planning. Are we going to get famous doing this? Hell, I don’t know. We’re going to do it for the art man. That’s what artists do, they express themselves. Why do we need to do that? Fuck I don’t know. It just is what it is.
Oh and hurry back Luch if we do decide to shoot a porn that 80’s porn star mustache your growing and the fact that you have big blue will get you a role in the film.
I tried to call him back today but couldn’t reach him yet--he might have flown back out to the Bunny Ranch. ( I’m really afraid he has a full blown addiction on his hands ) I can see some really cool stuff developing here. And no this isn’t a porn movie (get your mind out of the gutter Luch). And this isn’t a ploy to pick up chicks…although I’m not against that if it happens. So we’ll pick one of my stories and work it into a screenplay. Next week we’re going to sit down with some cigars and bourbon and start planning. Are we going to get famous doing this? Hell, I don’t know. We’re going to do it for the art man. That’s what artists do, they express themselves. Why do we need to do that? Fuck I don’t know. It just is what it is.
Oh and hurry back Luch if we do decide to shoot a porn that 80’s porn star mustache your growing and the fact that you have big blue will get you a role in the film.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Offseason photo - 195 pounds
I am twenty pounds heavier than I was in the photos that I have posted in which I am more ripped. I want to get up to about 210 before I start cutting down again...
When I Was 23
We were lying on the mattress in my bedroom. She told me she really wanted to say something to me. I panicked. “Yeah, I wanted to say something too,” I said.
“You first.” she said.
“Uhm, I just really wanted to have sex with you.”
She smiled and I was sure that’s what she was going to say to me. We kissed and she didn’t say anything. She had some cheap Japanese condom and it broke. I got another one out of my dresser and we had sex and then went out to a bar to join some friends. She was quiet that night and wouldn’t look at me.
When we were the only ones sitting at the table I said, “That’s not really what I wanted to say earlier. I mean I really wanted to have sex with you but that’s not what I really wanted to say.”
She put her hand over my mouth, “I love you.”
“That’s what I wanted to say.”
“What?”
“That I love you and I don’t want this to end. I want you to come with me.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
I kissed her. “I leave Friday.”
“Don’t you mean we leave Friday?”
“Yeah,” I said, “we.”
“I already started packing my stuff.”
She leaned into me and I held her until the bar closed and the bouncers kicked us out and in my mind I still hold her in that moment forever all these years later.
“You first.” she said.
“Uhm, I just really wanted to have sex with you.”
She smiled and I was sure that’s what she was going to say to me. We kissed and she didn’t say anything. She had some cheap Japanese condom and it broke. I got another one out of my dresser and we had sex and then went out to a bar to join some friends. She was quiet that night and wouldn’t look at me.
When we were the only ones sitting at the table I said, “That’s not really what I wanted to say earlier. I mean I really wanted to have sex with you but that’s not what I really wanted to say.”
She put her hand over my mouth, “I love you.”
“That’s what I wanted to say.”
“What?”
“That I love you and I don’t want this to end. I want you to come with me.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
I kissed her. “I leave Friday.”
“Don’t you mean we leave Friday?”
“Yeah,” I said, “we.”
“I already started packing my stuff.”
She leaned into me and I held her until the bar closed and the bouncers kicked us out and in my mind I still hold her in that moment forever all these years later.
She pressed up against me and looked into my eyes. “What is real about you?”
I kissed the bridge of her nose and pulled back. “Nothing and everything. A little and a lot.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s the best I’ve got.”
She kissed my bearded chin and I smiled. “Kissing you is like kissing a puppy.”
“Are you saying I have dog breath?”
She laughed and her long eyelashes swept across her eyes. “No, you have beer breath.”
“It’s my tooth whitening strips. Crest beer strips. You should try them you get a buzz as you whiten your teeth.”
She hid behind her bangs and all I could see was her smile. I pushed her hair aside. She was beautiful and I knew this was only a moment but I didn’t care. I kissed her for the last time.
I take what I can get when I can get it because I know how unpredictable people are. And when she said goodbye I knew it was goodbye for good because nothing good ever comes my way for long. It’s just the way my life has been. She drove off and I ran my keys down the side of my new car and I felt nothing because things mean nothing but she meant everything.
I kissed the bridge of her nose and pulled back. “Nothing and everything. A little and a lot.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s the best I’ve got.”
She kissed my bearded chin and I smiled. “Kissing you is like kissing a puppy.”
“Are you saying I have dog breath?”
She laughed and her long eyelashes swept across her eyes. “No, you have beer breath.”
“It’s my tooth whitening strips. Crest beer strips. You should try them you get a buzz as you whiten your teeth.”
She hid behind her bangs and all I could see was her smile. I pushed her hair aside. She was beautiful and I knew this was only a moment but I didn’t care. I kissed her for the last time.
I take what I can get when I can get it because I know how unpredictable people are. And when she said goodbye I knew it was goodbye for good because nothing good ever comes my way for long. It’s just the way my life has been. She drove off and I ran my keys down the side of my new car and I felt nothing because things mean nothing but she meant everything.
It Will Be Easier
Ignoring me is the easiest thing to do. Just simply pretend I don’t exist. Don’t answer my calls or my letters and I will simply vanish. It is that simple. Don’t think about how I might feel because you have a busy schedule and it will take away from your me time. Sure I can handle it. Don’t worry about me, I mean not that you are anyway but just in case you were thinking about it don’t. I’m a big boy and I can fill my time with writing and chasing dreams. It’s okay really, it will be better this way.
The Procedure
In a very delicate and bloody procedure I had you extracted from my brain. Of course I was under anesthesia at the time so I didn’t feel a thing and I still don’t feel a thing. The doctor told me I was lucky to be alive and I had to agree. He said we got to her just in time to save you. I said, “Thanks, Doc, I feel so much better.” He asked if I wanted him to put your memory in a glass jar so I might have it as a keepsake. I said no, throw it in the trash. My head is healing quickly and I can see clearly again. Thanks Doc. I owe you…
I wrote her a letter I will never send. On this matter I will not budge or break. It came directly from my heart and upon signing my name I realized I’d written it for myself and not her. It was a beautiful letter if I do say so myself. A letter most women wish someone would write to them. This letter will forever remain on my hard drive until it burns up and is lost in the static of the ever- expanding universe.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
-Scared and lying in my bed. Unable to move to help. Too small. Too scared. I can hear your screams and the yelling. I want to help but the anger will be taken out on me. I’m sorry. I can’t help. I will make up for it some day. I will fight the world and I will win. When I’m not too small and too scared I will take them all on. I’ll never back down from a fight. I will never let anyone down again but now I’m too small and too scared. I’m sorry…
-She looked at me with sad eyes. “It’s still bothering you. I can tell by your voice.”
I opened my mouth to respond but some dork with an exercise mat came around the corner and laid it down next to us. She looked at me and I felt pathetic. I wanted to go but she kept looking at me, holding me in my place. There was nothing to say anymore. The words had all been used up. It was just a moment but it meant everything to me that she cared.
I opened my mouth to respond but some dork with an exercise mat came around the corner and laid it down next to us. She looked at me and I felt pathetic. I wanted to go but she kept looking at me, holding me in my place. There was nothing to say anymore. The words had all been used up. It was just a moment but it meant everything to me that she cared.
Let's go on a trip
I have to run this by Muggsy as we have already planned a trip to Amsterdam but I was thinking that I need more writing material and that we should take a trip somewhere far away where the laws are loose, the liquor is cheap and any number of local drugs are readily available. Anyone with destination ideas can contact me through this blog. I’m sure Weezy will be on board and Luch if he is back from selling fake Rolexes in the Middle East. Fiddy where the hell are you? Did you get off on those indecent exposure charges? Uncle Huckabuck you’re too whipped at this point and you’d probably stay in your room the whole time having sex with your girlfriend so you’re probably out. And no we don’t want to hear any more sex stories. Video tape these events and we will critique your technique. Talk is cheap. Remember Montreal, England, Jamaica, DC and Toronto guys? Many good stories came from those little adventures. Any one else interested? I guarantee you will have stories to tell your grandchildren or maybe you won’t have to tell them as I will document every move everyone makes, except in the bathroom. Thank you and if interested please send a $50 retainer…
-Only a few know why I write. It is a secret from my past. It is why I fought and it is why I am alone. It is why I drink and why I hide away. It is why I care and why I don’t. Don’t try to guess because you will always be wrong. I would never tell anyone who would ask. It is why I write. It is a secret from my past…
-I’m sure most of you that have seen me recently have noticed the can of green beans I am wearing around my neck on a gold chain. This isn’t working out. The can keeps falling in my food and is causing my neck to cramp. So, last night I took a bunch of green bean labels and sewed a pair of underwear out of them. Yes it is symbolic and it is itchy as hell and terribly uncomfortable but for her I will wear them. Every time I take a step and get chaffed I think of her which is cool because I really dig her. How many guys would go through this torture for a woman? That’s right I’m doing it for a woman. Woops, maybe I’ve said too much. At any rate ladies please contact me and vote yeah or nay as to whether this is romantic or not. Maybe I’m off base with this one but I don’t think so. How could a woman resist a gesture like this? I know it’s beyond me too…
Rap Album
In other news my workout partner Big Todd and I have decided to collaborate on a rap album. Admittedly, Todd is a better rapper than me but I’m working on my rhyming and I have come up with some fat…(wait Todd corrected me) Phat beats that I think will go nicely with his words. Look for that to come out in the next 3-5 years. Yes, Billie and Judy you can be in the video but you will have to shake your booties and wear very short glittery gold shorts. Any women that want to be cast as a ho in our video contact me. I will interview you personally and will have to check for firmness in various parts of your anatomy. Oh, and any white guy friends that want to be cast as bad guys that get killed in the video contact me too. Thanks everyone and peace out…
Monday, October 12, 2009
I actually had an okay workout Sunday despite the weekend Muggsy and I had. I promised Muggsy I wouldn't give any details about the Bunny Ranch or I would have another great story to tell. I managed to sleep on the plane on the way back. The new thing on planes is giving you IV's. They have nurses on board who administers them. I had two on the way back with a mild sedative and when we landed I felt like I'd had a very restful weekend. This is the only way to fly. I will use this airline again.
Also, I have a new Burma Ludlow story that I will post tomorrow. I'm getting some Burma stories to send out for publication and am full bore into my Burma book again.
Also, I have a new Burma Ludlow story that I will post tomorrow. I'm getting some Burma stories to send out for publication and am full bore into my Burma book again.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I wear my heart on my sleeve, a gaudy accessory I readily admit; better suited for the cavity of my chest. Maybe I should move it, put it under my baseball hat or carry it in a man purse. No, fuck the man purse, it goes under the hat. How will it change me and what will it matter? This heart, this useless accessory. I think I’ll just throw it in the trash and let the rats dine well. I have no need for it now. Many people get along fine without one…
The Study
I participated in a university study. They gave me two hundred dollars which I spent on beer but that is beside the point. Actually, the study was more of an experiment. Don’t be alarmed, they assured me I would come out better than new and besides what’s done is done. With electricity and a new designer drug they erased my memory of YOU. Now, I don’t know who YOU are but I am starting to have second thoughts about what I’ve done. I wake up at night sweating and dreaming a dream that is gray and dull and empty. I am alone and talking to someone but she isn’t there. Yes, I’m sure it is a she. I don’t know how I know but I know. Whoever YOU are please contact me if you think you are YOU. I want to know why I erased your memory. I want to know again what we had. I want my dreams filled again and this can only be done with YOU.
For a time I quit drinking in college because I was getting in too many fights and generally being an ass. So I decided to exclusively smoke pot. I used to grow it in the closet of my dorm room. I got the seeds from a friend in my Spanish class. He had brought the purple haze seeds back from a trip to Amsterdam. The incense were always burning because you could smell it when you walked in the room. Eventually the plants got so big I couldn’t put clothes in the closet. Then they outgrew the closet and a decision had to be made. Harvest it all and kill my babies or transplant it. I decided on the latter and searched the West Virginia countryside until I found a suitable spot in an isolated spot of the woods near the lake. Every week or so I would go out and harvest. One day I went out to my spot and there was a pickup truck parked there. I panicked. Before I could get back in my car an old geezer with a shotgun emerged from where my plants were.
He pointed the gun at me. “What are you doing back here?”
I stared easing back. “Uh, I just stopped to take a piss.”
His arms shook. I was afraid he would accidentally shoot me. “You damn college kids come out here to steal my stuff.”
Now, stupidly I was pissed. “Your stuff?”
He squinted. “That’s right my stuff.”
He moved and the gun went off. Luckily he was aiming over my head. It was a 16 gauge double barrel and he had blown both barrels. I sprinted to my car, jumped in and drove off. And so ended my pot growing days.
He pointed the gun at me. “What are you doing back here?”
I stared easing back. “Uh, I just stopped to take a piss.”
His arms shook. I was afraid he would accidentally shoot me. “You damn college kids come out here to steal my stuff.”
Now, stupidly I was pissed. “Your stuff?”
He squinted. “That’s right my stuff.”
He moved and the gun went off. Luckily he was aiming over my head. It was a 16 gauge double barrel and he had blown both barrels. I sprinted to my car, jumped in and drove off. And so ended my pot growing days.
From Muggsy's I-Phone
Muggsy - Buddy that was awesome(pertaining to our night at the diner after the strip club. Read below), the nice thing about the burgers is they were still warm from being in your pocket when we ate them in the minnisota airport terminal restroom during our layover on our way to the bunny ranch to attend the retirement party of the star whore in residence while Larry Craig tried to solicit sexual favors from us by playing footsies at the hand dryer. Good times.
My response-I don't think that was Larry Craig but who knows? I think he was surprised when you urinated on his leg. No, I take that back. I know he was surprised. Ha ha, good times. And yes it was weird that so many hours later the burgers would be warm. They were still fairly fresh six hours later...
My response-I don't think that was Larry Craig but who knows? I think he was surprised when you urinated on his leg. No, I take that back. I know he was surprised. Ha ha, good times. And yes it was weird that so many hours later the burgers would be warm. They were still fairly fresh six hours later...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
A partial list of songs Muggsy and I listened to on the way to the diner from the strip club. I can't remember them all. Not that anyone cares. I just thought I'd let you know...
The Black Lips – Starting Over
The Ramones – Somebody Like Me
Jay Reatard – You Mean Nothing to Me
John Frusciante – The Past Recedes
Weezer – The Greatest Man That Ever Lived
Ludacris - Get Back
The Exploited - Fuck the System
The Black Lips – Starting Over
The Ramones – Somebody Like Me
Jay Reatard – You Mean Nothing to Me
John Frusciante – The Past Recedes
Weezer – The Greatest Man That Ever Lived
Ludacris - Get Back
The Exploited - Fuck the System
My Thoughts
In the deep end where the gray things lurk and the fish all swim on their backs this is where you will find my thoughts submerged. You can pull them up with a hook and rope and scrub them clean with Clorox but it won’t do any good. They are barely breathing. Their insides are bad, rotting, dying. There is only one person with the expertise to save them and she has already forgotten I exist…
Friday, October 09, 2009
Something To Believe - by the Ramones
I wish I was someone else
I'm confused, I'm afraid, I hate the loneliness
And there's nowhere to run to
Nothing makes any sense, but I still try my hardest
Take my hand
Please help me man
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, to begin
If I was stupid or naive
Trying to achieve what they all call contentness
If people weren't such dicks and I never made mistakes
Then I could find forgiveness
Take my handPlease help me man
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, oh no
I can't be someone else
I don't feel that it's hopeless
I don't feel that I'm useless
I can't throw it all away
I need some courage to find my weakness
And with your love, I know with all my heart I can win
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I just need something to believe in
I'm looking for something to believe in
And I just need something to believe in
I'm confused, I'm afraid, I hate the loneliness
And there's nowhere to run to
Nothing makes any sense, but I still try my hardest
Take my hand
Please help me man
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, to begin
If I was stupid or naive
Trying to achieve what they all call contentness
If people weren't such dicks and I never made mistakes
Then I could find forgiveness
Take my handPlease help me man
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, oh no
I can't be someone else
I don't feel that it's hopeless
I don't feel that I'm useless
I can't throw it all away
I need some courage to find my weakness
And with your love, I know with all my heart I can win
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I just need something to believe in
I'm looking for something to believe in
And I just need something to believe in
Half Full of Something
I realize now I mean nothing to someone which is something in its own right. I mean everything has a positive side if you just drink enough and don’t think too deeply. See, I’m an optimist. The glass is half fucking full! Well, that’s because I drank the other half and it was full of scotch.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Reverse Curls
Yes, Billie I am doing these correctly. There isn't any significant swinging going on. Billie just feels the need to correct my form as well as Todd's because obviously we don't know what we're doing. :)
Let's Go
Should I buy a Harley? I’m thinking about it. We could just take off, you and me. Tell the world to go fuck itself. Feel the wind in our hair. Well, maybe your hair. We can catch flies in our teeth and breathe fresh exhaust from the mufflers of semis. I want you to go with me babe. Please. We could just ride until the bike disintegrates and then go from there. I could get famous writing; buy a house made of shipping crates in California. Yeah, one of those modern green homes. Come on what do you say? I want to feel you kiss my neck and taste the road grit as we ride. I’m coming into a little cash and I’ll sell the house. Sell my furniture. Cash in my retirement fund. What? You want to stay in Harrisburg? Forever. Are you fucking with me? Well, then I will ride alone. Go so fast I can’t think about you—memories of you unable to cling to my mind. I’ll send you a postcard and one of those turquoise necklaces from New Mexico. I’ll miss you always but I’d rather ride than stay in this fucking place…
One Sort of Knight
I have chosen you to carry my experiment out on. Yes, you are welcome, it is a great privilege. Now, please disrobe. That’s it. Yes, the undergarments too. What the fuck is that a chastity belt? Let me get my lock pick.
Uh, huh, that’s it bingo. That lock wasn’t hard to pick at all. Now, tell your father that if he truly valued his daughter’s virginity he wouldn’t have bought this cut rate chastity belt. There will be now dowry for you my dear but your father is a rich bastard anyway.
Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Very nice. Now, I shall undress and the experiment will begin. Close your eyes. Come a little closer. Put down the I-Phone. That’s it. Closer. Yes, closer still. Do you feel that? You do? Good. Grab hold. Run your hand along the length of it. It’s hard isn’t it? What? It is just like your father’s? What the fuck?
You say you’ve done this experiment before? At home? Dear god you are a deranged girl. You have vacuumed naked before? On Video? I like that, an experienced girl. Now vacuum all the carpets with that Electrolux while I sit on the couch and video tape you. I want to try to sell this on the internet. There are a ton of perverts out there that will love this. We can use the money to buy more coke…
Uh, huh, that’s it bingo. That lock wasn’t hard to pick at all. Now, tell your father that if he truly valued his daughter’s virginity he wouldn’t have bought this cut rate chastity belt. There will be now dowry for you my dear but your father is a rich bastard anyway.
Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Very nice. Now, I shall undress and the experiment will begin. Close your eyes. Come a little closer. Put down the I-Phone. That’s it. Closer. Yes, closer still. Do you feel that? You do? Good. Grab hold. Run your hand along the length of it. It’s hard isn’t it? What? It is just like your father’s? What the fuck?
You say you’ve done this experiment before? At home? Dear god you are a deranged girl. You have vacuumed naked before? On Video? I like that, an experienced girl. Now vacuum all the carpets with that Electrolux while I sit on the couch and video tape you. I want to try to sell this on the internet. There are a ton of perverts out there that will love this. We can use the money to buy more coke…
My Heart is a Spittoon
My heart is hollow, nothing inside: she gutted it with an ice-cream scoop. Of course it was painful as hell. I shellacked it and sat it in the corner of the living room. The dogs piss on it when they haven’t been left out enough. When I chew Redman I use it as a spittoon. Soon it will be full of tobacco juice instead of love and maybe I won’t miss her then.
Videos
Okay, from top to bottom: The first video is of my good friend Todd Hall. He has been squatting for about a month after taking a year or so off from squatting and is already hitting 500 for 5 reps easily.
Filming on some of these videos is the beautiful Billie Stuck. There are you happy, Billie? Geez, and yes I will post a video of you soon.
The other two are of me. I'm down a tad in size due to taking last week off and imbibing several fermented beverages but my strength is still pretty good.
Filming on some of these videos is the beautiful Billie Stuck. There are you happy, Billie? Geez, and yes I will post a video of you soon.
The other two are of me. I'm down a tad in size due to taking last week off and imbibing several fermented beverages but my strength is still pretty good.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Karma
I want to thank-you for breaking my heart. No, really its true there’s nothing quite so refreshing as pain deep in your stomach and the sleepless nights that leave charming circles under your eyes. I’m sure I deserved this for some horrible digression in my past. Was it the time when I was nine and I took two King Kong erasers from the dentist’s office instead of one? Maybe it was for cheating on that math test in 10th grade—yes one hundred percent was hard to believe. Perhaps Karma you have had it out for me from the start, not liking my cocky walk or my smart ass comments. Whatever it is I am grateful to you Karma my dear old friend. Maybe we should go out drinking sometime so I can get you drunk and when you pass out take compromising pictures of you with a transvestite hooker. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Who will be laughing then Karma? Me dear old friend.
Bye Bye Sweet World
I will scrimp and save so that I may be buried four hundred feet down in a glass case filled with formaldehyde, my Chihuahuas at my side. When the big bombs go boom and then 10 million years later the cockroaches are ruling the world-- with an iron claw--they will discover me and dig me up. They will have technology we never had—skyscrapers made of rotting food and cars made of molded feces--and will be able to revive me and my dogs. I suspect at first, they will ask me all kinds of questions prod and probe, which could be fun it is a particularly attractive female cockroach with gentle claws. They will ultimately be disappointed, as we humans are really quite boorish and not as clever as we think. They will lock me in a zoo and throw me bits of cotton candy and I will jack off like the monkeys in our zoos and I will be thinking of you some 10 million years dead…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)