You don't know me.  You will never know me.  I'm not bragging.  I'm just saying.  You will never know the best side of me because I have yet to reveal it.  I'm waiting for the right moment.  The clock is ticking... 

As I try to conjure words to put on the page my mind comes unhinged and the once loyal letters spill onto the floor. They lay menancingly in a jagged heap. No amount of conjoling or threatening will lift them and as I stare they melt and shift and take shape and then realization hits me hard. It is you staring back at me. The murderer of my words. The princess of my sordid fairy tale...

You won't change me. They won't change me. None of you will change me. I won't be drug down and trampled--spit upon by the howling crowd. I will spit back and aim for the eyes. I will throw fists and profanity and everything within my power until I breathe my last breath but you will never change me. I will never be you. Fuck you and your weak ways.

The pedestal you placed yourself on grows weak. It leans and creaks and the cheap wood base cracks. You shimmy to the side and manage to keep it from toppling completely. How long before you fall? How long before you come back to earth? How long before you come down to my level again?

We all fuck up sometimes. Emotions get the best of us and we say and do things that aren't indicative of who we really are. I try to make amends but sometimes things can't be fixed. The best I can do is say I'm sorry. I have to live with my bad decisions but don't have to live without regret. Life moves on whether we want it to or not and I can't let myself be left in the past. There is a future out there and it isn't slowing down for any of us. I chose to move forward and learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them...

I am still here. Where I've been all along. I never moved. You just stopped seeing me.

I'm sorry I can't care less. I'm not built like that. I will be there though. I will fight for you until the very end. I am a warrior. I will go to battle for you without fear of death. You would want me by your side when everything goes bad...

I am the bad guy with the skinny black mustache. I twirl the ends and sneer and laugh with evil. My eyes have no sight only black depth and where my heart once was there is now a diesel engine that makes a horrible hollow sound.

I am what you want me to be...

She is sad and it breaks my heart because I know there's nothing I can do. I can't get into her mind and rewire it. I can't erase the things that happened. I can't lover her enough. The only thing I can do is wait for her until the clouds pass...