--Father Time, you are a sick old fuck. What is your end game? Mitochondria faltering, skin sagging, hair graying. You are depicted as a kindly old man with a white beard but I know the truth about you. Under that robe you have a hard on for suffering, for grief, for death. You take everything that was once beautiful and suck the life out of it. I want to cold cock you, knock you out, stop your relentless pursuit of passing time. How about you and me meet at sun up on 2nd Street for an old fashioned dual? Winner takes all…

Okay, I respect the fact that there need to be child safety caps on medication bottles and cleaning products. I understand that pills need to be foil wrapped and specially designed to foil young children. I have no problem with these measures for people with children. What I have a problem with is having to open these damn bottles and rip through plastic and paper and foil to get at a sinus headache tablet and I don’t have children! What is some wayward baby going to crawl in my house and go for my medicine cabinet? I fucking doubt it. Why can’t I get pill bottles and other containers that open quickly without the lock top and the six inches of foil and plastic? Even my dogs’ heartworm pills are wrapped in some insane layering of foils and plastic that I have to stab at with a butcher’s knife to release. It’s more dangerous for me to try to open this stuff up with sharp implements than it would be for me to have a vitamin bottle lying around without a safety lock cap on it. It’s not like I’m going to take 300 vitamins at one time. Damn, I pity old people with arthritic fingers that have to open this stuff up. It’s not like they usually have toddlers running around the house.

I know, I know, there would be problems if these safety measures weren’t used. Some illiterate numbskull would buy the pill bottle without the safety measures and their stupid baby would eat the whole bottle and die. Then the illiterate numbskull would sue the pill company and win a billion dollars. Even though there were warnings on the bottle not to buy the item if you have children in the house. So, I will probably have to endure these over wrapped and overprotected bottles and packages for the rest of my life. Thanks stupid people…

I want to thank you for not understanding me. Whew, that was close. If you got me then I would feel quite pedestrian because I would fit into that narrow space between your big ears. Yes, the place where your cherry tomato sized brain resides. I suppose I got away just in time or I might have ended up discussing American Idol or some other equally horrific television show after dinner every night. You see I won’t fit into your narrow classification system, the one you adopted from quizzes in women’s magazines. I transcend your bullshit dear…

Deep dirt hurt won’t get me in its grimy time. Filthy flip the girly dip and I wash myself of it. Try high the middle thigh and languish in the filth. Go down in muddy shoes and I won’t tell lies…

I am black like smoke. I can seep under the crack of your door and float up to your ceiling. There my dark soul will hover staring at your naked beauty. No, I will not ogle like a pervert. In my pants my pecker will stay. I will be more like an observer of fine art. Like eying up a Van Gho or Picasso.

Luch happy about Christmas in Iraq

So, let me get this straight. We are going to give China money so that they cut greenhouse gas emissions. Uh and where is this money going to come from? We are going to borrow money from the Chinese and then give it to them? So, we will be paying interest on money that we gave them? The Chinese devalue their currency and pay their workers slave wages so they can have cheaper prices than anyone else. They are gaming the system. I’m sorry but if we owe them a trillion dollars they are not a developing country. They should be giving other countries money to help them cut greenhouse emissions. They also took a shitload of money to develop windmills and so forth. It’s time they started spending their own money and stopped devaluing their currency so we owe them money. They are going to make the dollar become worthless.

-I was human once but now I am anything but. You see the last of what was once me has been drained from my soul. Where did it go? I don’t know for sure but I do know that it isn’t there anymore. Where there was light there is now only darkness. Where there was once hope there is now only dread. I am empty and I am dying. I am a monster. Save me my dear…

-I sit on the futon typing on my laptop. Around me are notebooks, books, beer bottles, cigar rings, and ash trays filled with ash. A cigar is smoldering in one of the ash trays that looks like a banana. This is where I was meant to be--my mind secluded. Yes, I am alone. Removed from what “normal” people call life; TV, family, responsibility. I ask myself if this was a choice and as much as it was I am convinced it has also been a product of my destiny. Not self-fulfilling mind you but rather something less controllable, something with great reward and yet something that is slowly breaking me down. I just hope there is enough of me left to make it to the finish line. You see the creative mind is self-destructive and while it is driven to create it to is also driven to destroy itself. So please give me hope. Please give me time so that this journey will have been worthwhile because I have nothing else.

- Johnny Cash – I See a Darkness

Well you’re my friend
And can you see
Many times we’ve been out drinking
Many times we’ve shared our thoughts
But did you ever
Ever notice the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love
A love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live
I won’t let go
But can you see its opposition
Comes rising up sometimes
That it’s dreadful and position
Comes blacking in my mind

And that I see a darkness
And that I see a darkness
And that I see a darkness
And that I see a darkness
Did you know how much I love you
Is the hope that somehow you can save me from this darkness

Well I hope someday buddy we have peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with or wives
And we can stop our whoring
And pull the smiles inside
And light it forever
And never go to sleep
My best darn beaten brother
This isn’t all I see

All know I see a darkness
All know I see a darkness
All know I see a darkness
All know I see a darkness


Did you know how much I love you
Is the hope that somehow you can save me from this darkness

I keep thinking which keeps me drinking which leaves me sinking deeper into your past. I tried kicking it all baby, giving up the brain to spite the booze but even without thought my lips went searching for the bottle. They took me places I would have never gone. When they were greased good they would say things to other women that my mind would have never approved of. I am innocent in thought. Trust me my lips are to blame…

Okay, here are some things I want for Christmas. Feel free to buy me any of these items. Thank-you.

1.Twilight Zone: The Complete Definitive Collection (1959)

2.Laptop

3. Fatbar

4. True Protein Gift Certificates

Okay, our leaders really need to listen to us. This is not a partisan rant. It is a rant against ALL politicians. Seventy-five percent of Americans want a public health care option. Our leaders are not listening to us. Even senators in areas where citizens have expressed a higher than seventy-five percent approval for health care reform are voting against health care reform because of special interests. These jackasses are ignoring us more blatantly then ever. How will it benefit us to have health care costs continue to rise? Part of health care reform is putting regulations on these corrupt health care insurers. I know for one I don’t want to pay more for health insurance and get less and less coverage which is exactly what’s happening. I read that by 2015 an average of twenty-thousand dollars will be spent for health insurance by your average family. I think we need to take back our government. These asses are bleeding us dry.

-The electric snap of this cerebral trap, the one that keeps jolting me back to reality. This malady, a portion of my being that is seeing only the horse blinders you placed on my head—my eyes sideways for you. Nothing in front of me. Nothing behind me. This life compartmentalized and I am demoralized thinking of what is going on off to the sides. Out of sight but not out of mind. I want to bind with the sticky sweet essence of all your memory but I am sliding on this slippery plane back down into nothingness.

-Pretend you’re having fun. Don’t let them know you’re dying inside. Smile so they can see your teeth but don’t open your mouth enough so that they can see your soul sliding down. When the decay gets too bad and they start to notice the holes patch them with putty and paint your skin with whiteout. Stand against a white wall and observe life pass you by. Eventually you will be one with nothing.

Sorry I haven’t been posting as much lately. I have been working on my book and several other projects. My good friend Muggsy has agreed to work on some illustrations for my Burma Ludlow book and has started sketching. We are also talking about collaborating on a children’s book and have a preliminary idea for that too. There are also several other projects we are talking about collaborating on. Expect some good things to come. We both needed a kick in the ass to move forward and we are motivating each other to do just that.

-Confidence. I must have confidence. This is what the self-help books tell me. No, I’ve never read one but I have read the back cover of several and that’s what a lot of them said. So, I tell myself I’ve got confidence and after a while I really start to believe it. I start to walk with a swagger and I wink at pretty women. I call the waitresses sweetie and I drink my beer with my pinky sticking out. I grow out my hair and fill in the divots with special spray paint hair and I believe I look good and everyone starts to think I look good. I let my weight go and I fart in public but I have style and I’m sure no one gives a damn because I’m so charismatic. I am morphing I am changing. I am becoming you…

I was reading the paper and I did something I rarely do. I turned to the editorial page. Now, I should have just closed the paper and walked away but I couldn’t. There is something about the stupidity of the majority of the people that write to the editor that both angers me and inexplicably draws me in.

The first letter to the editor that I read was from a guy that was disputing global warming. He claimed that the environmentalists had lied and cost the US manufacturing jobs, had caused fuel prices to rise, and were somehow responsible for senior citizens getting their Medicare benefits cut. Uhm, okay. First of all can anyone give me a good explanation why scientists would make up the problem of rising temperatures on earth? Really, what do scientists have to gain by saying global warming will, if left unchecked, destroy our world?

I know damn well what the anti-climate control crowd’s agenda is. The higher ups want no regulation so they can make more money. They don’t give a fuck if it could possibly end life on earth. They just want to be able to buy a $10,000 shower curtain.

If we use green sources of energy it will create jobs. Wouldn’t it be nice to not be dependent on foreign oil and invest in green jobs here in the United States? Controlling climate change is not destroying jobs in the United States. Greed of the higher ups is killing jobs in the United States. More and more of the money from companies goes to those at the top until there is nothing left for those at the bottom. Then they move the company to a country where there are no regulations or labor laws and even more money goes to the pigs at the top. Irresponsible and greedy business models are what have killed manufacturing in the United States not regulations on greenhouse gas emissions and other pollution.

So, let me play devil’s advocate. Let’s say global warming is a farce. Do you think it would be good to let these companies run unchecked? Do you as a human being want to breath in all this shit even if it wasn’t causing global warming?

I think I will stick on the side of the scientists whose only agenda is to save the world. EVERY credible scientist--not those paid by the Bush administration to spread lies—agrees there is a climate problem here on earth and that we need to fix it. So, what I want to ask these “non-believers” is why? Why the hell would scientists make this up? You can’t possibly have a good answer because there are none.

-I’ve got to go now. You’ll understand better when the sun rises and the booze wears off. All the answers you ever wanted from me will be found on my hard drive—where my soul is reproduced in print. All right I will hold you for now but I left my feelings in your underwear drawer where I found that note. No, I wasn’t going to wear your underwear or even sniff them. I was looking for the note. Somehow I knew it was there. No, don’t do that. Don’t unzip…okay, one more time but remember I’ll be gone in the morning…

-I wait for her call. I wait to fall. Somehow, someway, it will go bad. It is how the world goes for me. I think maybe this time things will be different but deep down I know some things were never meant to be in my life. It was fun for a moment and then it was nothing. Yes, this is a preemptive strike, a protective dike I build to stop the flood waters from coming and drowning me. I know it is no way to live but…wait, there is a text on my phone: “You’re a really nice guy but I am really busy now and I don’t have time to pursue a relationship. Take care.” I respond. “I’m busy too with work and training and writing and misadventure. I don’t have time for time. It is better this way.”

Tiny words and getting smaller, infinitesimal even. So small I can't even hear them when they reach my ears. They only sound like ants picking dirt from their toenails. What was it you said? Can you repeat it? Can you move closer? Maybe we can trade thoughts via ESP since your words are falling on deaf ears...

I've got this sinking feeling. I've got this drinking feeling. I want it to all go away. The pain of the unkown is full grown and chewing at my seams. I am a fish out of water. I am a car without an air freshner. I'm a plane without wings. I'm crashing and burning...

Tomato Sniper Nearly Takes out Sarah Palin

Tomato Sniper Apprehended

-Oh and an updated on t he laser stink eye guy. I was standing at the front desk at the gym last night when he came in with his girlfriend. I held my ground and gave him the super atomic laser stink eye. He wouldn’t even look my way. Ha! Who has the superman powers now Mr. Toucan nose?

I went out with someone new. She didn’t believe me when I told her I once that I caught a fly with chopsticks like Mr. Myagi from the Karate Kid move. This is the truth. Maybe the fly was one of those flat lazy turd eaters but I caught him fair and square.

Anyway, she turned out to be very sarcastic (which I liked) and wouldn’t let me pay for the bill. She insisted we split it and told me she doesn’t want anyone to take care of her. She asked me if I had a problem with that and I said, “Hell no.”

She told me she never gets embarrassed but when I put in my fake hillbilly teeth (I always carry them in my pocket) and hung on her arm like I was mentally challenged she nearly had a heart attack. She then admitted that maybe she does get embarrassed. I have that affect on people. I’m not supposed to wear the teeth anymore when we go out.

We went to Benihana and the habatchi chef got very irritated with me because I didn't have my plate up against the grill on several occasions. He sucked anyway. He couldn't catch the baby corn in his hat when he flipped it up. What a grump...we had fun anyway.

I learned last night of another guy that was busted for steroids at our gym. He is a short guy with a strange barrel shaped stomach. You can see his abs but he looks like he has enlarged organs or something. He has a terrible physique. Evidently he was the snitch that took down the latest group of steroid dealers. I will call him Bob. One of the guys that got busted wondered why Bob didn’t get busted like everyone else since he was in the thick of the dealing. Hmm, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The reason Bob didn’t get busted is because he was working with the COPS! You were set up. There I said it. Geez, no wonder they got busted.

It just amazes me that this guy was on steroids too. These people aren’t big and they aren’t strong. These people want a shortcut and there isn’t one. Sure, you can get bigger and stronger on steroids than you could if you never took them but you still have to eat right, train right, etc., to see results. These people must have the shittiest diets imaginable and I know they don’t know what they are doing in the gym because I see them working out all the time.

I’d be seriously depressed if I looked like these guys and I was on steroids. I’m stronger by a long shot than any of these people that were busted and bigger too. Hard work and discipline is the only way to make gains even if you are taking steroids.

-I was training one of my clients at the gym last night and he said to me, “That guy on the treadmill over there keeps giving you the stink eye.” I looked up and saw who he was referring to. He was a dumpy bastard with man titties and a toucan nose and I knew why he was giving me the stink eye.

Several weeks earlier I was on a treadmill walking. I was on the far end of the treadmills and I kept looking to my left to see if my client had come in yet. There was a woman on the other end of the treadmills and I kept looking around her to see the desk and entrance.

After a while the guy with the man titties and toucan nose got on the treadmill beside her. I kept looking towards the front desk every once in a while and then I noticed them both glaring at me. And then it dawned on me that this woman thought I had been looking at her! How egotistical is that? Geez. Well, I got a little pissed and made some angry faces.

So last night this guy is giving me the laser stink eye. I look towards him with double laser stink eye and he quickly looks away. The rest of the night I give him the stink eye and he immediately looks away and turns his back to me. Not so tough now are we Mr. toucan nose?

Funny Demotivational Posters

Funny Demotivational Posters

These colored lights blink through the frosted glass and I tilt it back looking for oblivion. I imagine a tree in the corner with nothing underneath it except dust. This life a bust, this soul about to rust as another year drops with the last gulp. The snow falls and children scream outside and I remember when I had dreams that I know now will never come true. This blackness turns to blue and the white night is counted hour by hour, can by empty can. It is the eve of something…

This slow suicide, the curse I can’t reverse. What I’ve done is done and what I do is screwed. The battle within this skin, the covering that is smothering that last of my humanness. I want to peel it off, bleed out onto your rug. My DNA embedded in the very fibers you step on time and time again.

Muggsy made me aware of this site. I would recommend everyone go here. Alien abduction is no laughing matter. Stop Alien Abductions

Hmm, I just realized last night that this woman that has been text messaging me isn’t who I thought it was. She’s been sending me texts quite a bit and I asked her if she was working out at the gym with her friend anymore. She replied with “What friend?” And then it hit me. I have no fucking idea who this is. Eventually I figured it out it was another woman I trained at the gym but talk about weird.

She sends text messages one right after another before I have a chance to answer. I don’t want to be mean but damn I don’t want to text message anyone that much. I am not interested in this woman and am interested in someone else and we are going out Saturday night! Maybe I should just stop answering any of her text messages. Yeah, that sounds just about right…

Wow, take a look at these tattoos. Do these people realize that tattoos are permanent? These are some of the most hideous and idiotic creations I have ever seen. It shows you just how many stupid people we live amongst. Scary...

http://ugliesttattoos.com

Can anyone explain to me what the debate over medical marijuana is about? I mean what sadistic fuck wouldn’t want sick people to get relief from their illness if smoking marijuana helps them? The pharmaceutical companies obviously don’t want the competition. They want you to take one of their drugs and make money. I don’t agree with this but at least I know where they’re coming from. What I don’t understand is your average citizen being so vehemently opposed to medical marijuana. These same people will take drugs made by the drug companies and don’t care if other people take drugs from drug companies but they don’t want others to smoke pot to help an illness? Really? Any reason that they would come up with would only show me their lack of empathy for their fellow human beings. God forbid one of them gets sick. I bet if those people were dying of cancer they’d be hitting that morphine button pretty damn often.

Wow this skin is good. It tastes like KFC...

Luch mistakes an avacado for an orange

Her beauty is hard to put into words so maybe I shouldn’t even try. Fuck it. When you get drunk, if you drink, have you ever gone into the bathroom and taken a piss and as you wash your hands you look in the mirror. You feel the warmth of the alcohol taking over your body and you realize your drunk and you can’t help but smile. That’s how I feel when I look at her. Yeah, that's just about right...

Wanted: A Muse

I will be taking applications for a muse starting today. Prospective muses must send photos accompanied with resumes. No prior experience is needed to fill this position. It is a full time position with benefits…if you know what I mean.

So, let me get this straight. On the TV show "Extreme Makeover" the people who get their dream home have to pay a mortgage on the house? I thought they were giving these people those houses. What a handy way for Sears to make a profit. They probably provide the loans too. I know some of the mortgages are paid for but come on how slimy is that?

I just read about one family who are about to have their Extreme Makeover home put up for auction. The reason? They can't keep up with the mortgage. The father, who makes eleven dollars an hour, was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He makes just enough not to receive Medicaid assistance and he can't afford insurance. Doctors refuse to operate on him because they are afraid they won't get paid.

I see a lot wrong with this story. It would be nice for a doctor with a heart to give this guy the operation he needs. This is exactly why we need health care reform. Oh, and he probably can't get insurance anyway because he has diabetes which is considered a pre-existing condition.

The Extreme Makeover show leads people to believe these people are getting free homes. How many people thought that this is how the show worked? I don't watch it much but this is how I thought it worked. These bastards need to pay for this guy's operation as well as his mortgage for being deceitful scum...

Well, I read in the news this morning that someone has now seen Jesus burned onto the bottom of their iron. I thought we went over this. If Jesus existed we certainly don't know what he looked like so how could you see him on anything? Again this "Jesus sighting" barely looks like anything but I'll play along. If it looks like anyone it looks like John Lennon. Maybe if I hit this idiot over the head with the iron he would see John Lennon a little more clearly...

I am not well—this deadly trail that only the hellhounds can smell. They are hot on my tail as I transverse the boundaries you have set—friend. I languish in this lonely place--the space between my fears. A cheap seat and at my feet the dry tears of a thousand drunken nights missing you. The show of all shows and I can’t even see the fiery stage from here. I wonder if you can see me from down there or if you’re too busy sharpening your horns to look…

I can’t connect. The wreck--what my life has become. I stray into the gray that matters. In tatters, my lost soul flounders as I attempt another day. I don’t know how to get through so I wing it, attempt after failed attempt. Is it so obvious to everyone but me what I should be? Say something, say anything. Give me a guide--a muse in leopard print lingerie. Show me how to be, baby. I’m losing my grip and the bottom is all I can see…

She couldn’t reconcile what I looked like on the outside with who I was on the inside--same story different narrator. I guess I looked like I was supposed to smack her around a bit, draw blood, and turn over tables. She thought my fists would do the talking, not words that came delicately from my fingers. When I kissed her she never quite believed I wasn’t about to punch her in the gut and she told me so as she pushed me away. I called her and the number she gave me had been disconnected. A few years later I heard she had gone to the hospital after her lawyer husband had knocked her teeth out after a night of smoking meth…

Your right I’m wrong. I’m going. I’m gone. Now you see me now you don’t. I will be somewhere else in my mind. A place you will never find. Look while you are high. Look while you are low. Keep looking baby. I’ve got a .38 to my temple …