I'm having more and more trouble concentrating. I’m not sure if it is a lack of discipline or perhaps something more sinister. Was my brain taken by aliens? Is the mass in my head now just a computer left to observe the life of humans around me while only functioning minimally on portions of the old me? Yes, I believe this to be the case. Today I will cut out this insidious computer and restore my old brain function with a DVD player and a DVD of Seinfeld episodes. Is anyone out there in the market for a slightly used alien computer brain?

My niece said the sweetest thing to me recently. She asked, "Are you an adult? Because you act like a big kid." ha ha I take that as a compliment.

I was up at 5:30. Sure, I would have liked to have slept in but I couldn't. My dogs heard something outside and were obviously concerned for my safety so they barked and jumped madly on my bed. I got up and let them out and just as I was about to shut the door I saw something run under a bush. It was a gnome. I've had a problem with gnomes lately--an infestation if you will--and have tried stun guns and traps to no avail. They can be insidious little creatures and once put a hornets nest under the front seat of my car. I didn't find the nest until I had gotten in the car and been stung several dozen times. This is when I declared war on gnomes.

So, this morning I let the Chihuahuas attack and the drug the gnome out from under the bush. I grabbed him and picked him up by the scruff of his red jacket.

"What the hell are you doing in my yard?"

He looked up at me and glared. "This is my house. You stole it from me."

He bit my finger and I threw him in a trap I had bought some years later for skunks. I drove him out into the country and let him go near a farm. I know he'll be back but it will take him a few days on those stumpy little legs...

So, let me get this straight. Twitter is micro-blogging? Now people can't even be bothered to write or read anything more than tiny snippets? I looked over some of the entries on different Twitter pages and quite honestly most of them didn't make a lick of sense. I realize these are often personal messages but does anyone really need to know that you just walked your dog? For god's sake write something witty or remotely fucking interesting. Use your damn brain...

Unbelievable. Apparently there are rednecks showing up at Obama’s speaking engagements carrying guns and not just any guns but weapons that include assault rifles. These “protesters” claim they are just exercising their rights. I say bullshit to that. They are trying to intimidate and bully. They aren’t smart enough or man enough to show up at event like this and try to match wits with someone like Obama. They need their guns because they are cowards and lack intelligence.

In some of the states Obama is visiting they have open gun carrying laws which makes this spectacle possible. Are you kidding me? What the hell is this? The Wild West? No one needs to carry a gun to a political event. This is very worrisome….

Last night I broke open a bottle of bourbon my good friend gave me for my 30th birthday. Yes, I kept the bottle for ten years and I’m aware that bourbon in the bottle doesn’t age but I kept it for the hell of it. Anyway, I sat on my deck and forced down several drinks until the world around me started to lose its edge. It was damn hot and as I became more and more intoxicated I began to remover articles of clothing until ¾ of the way through the bottle I was completely naked. No one could see me because I have a security wall surround my compound which by the way is topped with razor wire. The only way people can see me is if I stand on the table on my deck which is what I did around 9:00 PM. Unfortunately, a group of neighborhood women were taking a walk and spotted me. They screamed and I threw the empty bottle at them. I lost my footing and fell off the table hitting my head. The next thing I know I’m waking up in the hospital handcuffed to a hospital bed. After filling out some paperwork for the hospital and police station I was released. Today when those damn women take their walk I will release the attack Chihuahuas on them…

I roll over in bed and an empty beer bottle falls to the floor and rolls across the room coming to a stop when it hits the leg of a chair. It’s a crude goddamn alarm clock but you’d be surprised how effective it is. The only problem is you can’t set it for any particular time. It just goes when it goes.

Hmm, I can’t find my I-Pod. I’m pretty sure it was in my gym bag. If it isn’t in the lost and found at the gym then it is gone. My wallet was already swiped at the gym so I don’t hold much hope that it will be there. It would be the second MP3 player I “lost.” I had a Sirius MP3 Player/Radio receiver that was stolen out of my vehicle. Am I hiding my anger well? Maybe the holes in the brick wall out back will give you a good idea of how pissed this makes me. Either my I-Pod fell out of my bag and I didn’t notice it or when I left my bag unattended someone snagged it. It had better be at the gym…

I coming up on 40 in less than a month. What does this mean? I’ll tell you when I get there. I will say that at this moment I don’t feel the need for a toupee or to purchase a red convertible corvette. I am not mourning the loss of my youth because well, I still think of myself as young and still pretty much feel the same as I did when I was in my teens, although hopefully much wiser.

Anyone that knows me or has read this blog knows that I hate aggressive drivers. I don’t like the fact that they are putting my safety in jeopardy because they feel like tail gaiting me or are too impatient to wait to pass and cut me off. So, last night I was coming off the on ramp and merging onto another road. Some jerk in a utility van—who by the way was riding my ass—tried to come off the on ramp and pass me as I was merging into the left lane. He couldn’t wait for me to merge he had to try to pass me. Needless to say the prick almost hit me. As a rule I rarely get angry when driving but sometimes I do lose my cool. This was one of those times. I could see him coming up around me screaming and yelling. He pulled up beside me and I flipped him off. He looked somewhat surprised that I was built like I am. I think he expected some wimp to be driving a Prius. Wrong.

Can anyone explain to me what has happened to human beings? So many of us seem to be assholes now. Is it the chemicals in the environment? Is it the increasing heat of the earth? What the fuck is it?

Do these yahoos that are interrupting these town hall meetings about health care reform have any clue what they are doing? Seriously, these idiots don’t want better health care? They want insurance companies to keep ripping us off, making more and more profit off of us and giving us less and less care? I mean use your fucking head. If you like your health care then you get to keep it so it shouldn’t be an issue for you. If you don’t like your health care it will only get better. If you are angry about the economy and are venting through these debates on health care reform then maybe you should be channeling your anger towards those that are responsible i.e. the Republicans. Right, the Democrats aren’t perfect either but at least they sometimes seem to care about something other than profit.

The problem is that these uneducated pricks that show up at these town hall meeting are basing their opinions on hearsay. They don’t have facts to back up what they say because if they actually read what was being proposed I doubt they would have issue with it. Of course they will say they’ve read a lot about the topic at hand but what they really mean is they’ve listened to some misinformation machine like Rush Limbaugh tell lies about what health care reform entails and they base their opinions on his bullshit. To someone that actually reads (yes me) these people look like complete imbeciles. Why in the hell would you side with the insurance companies? What have they ever done for you? Unless you own a shit load of stock or work for one of them then I would guess not a whole hell of a lot…

In other countries people eat horse meat. It’s not a big deal we eat deer here and they aren’t that much different than a horse but evidently in South Florida people are killing pet horses and stealing the meat off their bones. I read in an article that authorities are saying that there is a black market for horse meat in South Florida. They claim that with the many cultures collected in that area that there is a demand for such a “delicacy.” Well, I hate to inform these horse eaters but people aren’t fond of their pets being eaten over here. Adapt to the damn culture for god’s sake. This isn’t your own little mini-country. Save your horse meat hankering for when you go back to your home country and then stuff yourself with Trigger but leave little Suzie’s Buttercup the fuck alone you assholes…

Okay, I know we have on obesity epidemic here in the United States but I think it’s really time to get serious about people cutting back on what they eat. I read an article this morning about an obese Texas inmate who hid a 9 mm pistol in the folds of his fat. Evidently the guards missed the gun when he entered the jail. Now, that is fat. We’ve all heard the story about the woman that had a pain in her side and went to the doctor and upon examination the doctor found a hard pretzel in her rolls. Though alarming it isn’t as dangerous as a gun hidden in fat rolls. Don’t you see where this is leading? Honestly, I don’t either but I do know it is gross that someone is fat enough to hide a pistol in his rolls…

We have a woman in our office that talks and talks and talks. She talks to whomever is in the room and if there is no one in the room she will go to another room to find someone to talk to. If everyone is busy she will talk on the phone or talk to herself. At lunchtime everyone in the office was going to a restaurant across the river. They were all going in the same vehicle and they were waiting outside. The whole time they waited I could here this woman talking. She didn’t shut up for one second. Its as if she is afraid if she stops talking for even a moment she will up and disappear. I have two words for her: Shut Up!

I curse those damn flying nuisances that stung my Chihuahua Uma. They might have been hornets after all but that doesn’t make them any less dastardly. Every time I go to pick Uma up she yelps—obviously still in pain two days later. What is even worse is that she associates me with this pain and has been cowering and trying to hide from me. I have tried to win her back with treats but this tactic seems to do little good. She will forget as the pain fades but I won’t. I have made it my mission in life to eliminate all hornets because really do they serve any purpose in the ecosystem? Or are they just nasty little bastards that attack and sting because they can? I have concluded that they are in fact the bullies of the bug world and since no one likes I a bully I will kick their little yellow and black asses. Now, to purchase an over sized bellow, welder's gloves and...

I don’t make New Years resolutions because to the untrained eye and the eye trained to ignore imperfection I am perfect. It would be like polishing a diamond with the gooey side of a banana peel. Yes, yes, I have a few rough edges that could be honed but these shouldn’t be considered flaws but rather quirky facets of a most interesting personality. So, go ahead and vow to lose weight or become a better human being. You may need the improvement. I obviously don’t...

The transmission went out on my Jeep Liberty a few weeks back. It had a hundred thousand miles on it. I got the transmission fixed and then decided to trade it in for the Cash for Clunkers deal. The Liberty got an average of 16 miles a gallon. Yes, I know it was terrible and I felt guilty driving it because of the poor fuel efficiency but it was paid off and I didn’t want to have a car payment. The $4500 I got for my Liberty made it worth trading it in. I bought a 2010 Prius because I didn’t need a 6-cylinder engine and four-wheel drive. It’s not like I’m living in Alaska and thanks to global warming we don’t get snow here anymore anyway.

Killer Bees?

I awoke at 5:45 this morning to go do some cardio on the treadmill at the gym. Before I set off I let my dogs out and got myself a water bottle and filled it. When I called my Chihuahuas in Burma came right away but Uma was nowhere to be found. I went out on the deck and saw her down below near my driveway. She was contorting and jumping around. I ran down to her. She was being attacked by some sort of bee that kept on stinging her and stinging her and was more ferocious than any bee I’d seen before. I picked her up and carried her to the deck and knocked the bees off of her. She screamed like a person.

Inside I laid her on her bed and called the vet. He told me to give her children’s Benadryl and call him later to let him know how she was doing. After giving her the Benadryl I tried to pick her up but she was in too much pain so I had to just let her lie. Luckily she got in her carrier and I was able to bring her to work and keep an eye on her in case she had an allergic reaction. She is still sore but doing better.

I unloaded one can of Wasp and Bee killer on those fuckers this morning and this afternoon after work I’m going to buy about five cans of the stuff and annihilate every single one of them. I hope they all die a slow painful death. I’m wondering if they’re not some sort of killer bee. I’ve never seen anything like them before…

A few months ago this guy started working out at the gym I work at. He started bringing in pieces of equipment; machines, bars, and so forth. Eventually it came to light that he fancied himself a trainer and was training one of the sales managers for a fitness contest. This segued into his conditional loan of his equipment to the gym if he was hired as a trainer. Our gym is already overrun with trainers of questionable quality and even if this guy is good he’s coming in and taking potential clients from me.

I find his approach to getting the job much like that of a spoiled child. You know the kind. They bring all their toys over to your house and unless things go exactly their way they threaten to take them and go home. Well, I wish this brat would take his toys and go home.

The sales manager approached me one day and asked me how we worked the consultation list. I told her we wrote our names down and put a number behind them so that everybody would get an equal share. Evidently this wasn’t good enough for him. The sales manager is now giving him all the people that come in to sign up for training. So, once again all the potential clients are going to one or two people. The problem is that the manager isn’t overseeing the training department with any vigilance, which leaves the door wide open for unscrupulous behavior. I hate business and the underhanded bullshit that seems to go along with it. I want to be fair but my patience is being tried.

This guy is a moody thug. Sometimes he will say hi to you but most of the time he just seems to be brooding. I would guess that he is on steroids and not that I care but I do notice that some people that are on them act like assholes and this guy fits the profile. He has tattoos everywhere and thinks he is the next best thing since the dishwasher.

One day I was standing at the desk and he said, “You going to do some power lifting training?”

I was like, “Uh, no I’ve kind of moved on from that.”

He cocked his head. “You’re going to do some power lifting training. I’m going to bring in three hundred high school kids from the local school district.”

First off I don’t know who this guy is thinking he can tell me what I’m going to do. I mean I appreciate that he wants to involved me if this thing goes through but no one tells me what the fuck to do. Second, I don’t like working with high school athletes. I’ve worked with high school sports teams, athletes and younger children in the past and found it to be more babysitting than training. Sure, I will bight he bullet if the money is good and I will train high school kids but I seriously doubt this guy is going to make this happen. My intuition tells me that he told the manager he could get all these kids to train at the gym as a way to get himself a job. There were probably instant money signs in the manager’s eyes and the bullshit was bought. We’ll see…

Yesterday I met with a 24 year old for a nutrition consultation. She was 5’ “8 inches tall and weighed around 125 pounds--she was referred to me by a friend who works with her. This young lady was concerned that she was too thin and wanted to put on some weight. I knew I could help her put on some quality weight so we decided to meet yesterday at 4 PM.

When she walked through the door my first impression was that she was thin and might have possibly stepped through a time warp in 1985 and into my life. She was wearing tight jeans tucked into those boots that are sort of puffy on the sides and which went out of style over twenty years ago. She was also wearing a light blue turtleneck. You know the kind the big open turtleneck that hangs down, also circa 1985. If she was going for a retro look she nailed it, although her hair wasn't shellacked with enough hair spray to make the bangs curl up impossibly high. So overall her retro rating was a respectable 7 out of a possible 10.

She sat the desk in front of me and I asked her first what she had eaten for the day. She told me she had a fast food breakfast sandwich for breakfast, with some sort of coffee drink and a parfait. Lunch was a couple slices of pizza and an apple. Dinner was a cheese steak, French fries and liter of Coke. Obviously she had a fast metabolism and wasn’t taking in enough calories. This of course was my preliminary assessment. I needed to know more about her diet, workouts and so forth to be able to come up with a workable diet plan.

I looked at the food she had eaten that day on the sheet in front of me. “You really need to be eating more frequently if you want to put on weight.”

“Well, this guy I like told me that I shouldn’t drink so much water. He said that it makes me not as hungry and that I should cut way back. I did it today and I was more hungry.”

“Wow, that’s really bad advice. I mean I don’t want to sound like a jerk but being well hydrated is a crucial part of being healthy and it won’t curb your appetite.”

She frowned. “Well, I drink two liters a day.”

I sat back in my chair. “Well, I drink around two gallons a day and I am continuously hungry.”

“Well, you’re different.”

“Everyone is but my point is that cutting water from your diet isn’t going to make you gain weight. To simplify things cutting water from your diet will make you unhealthy.”

She looked at me with far away eyes. I snapped my fingers. “I see here that you have very little fiber in your diet.”

She looked at me like I’d just strangled her kitten. “What’s fiber?”

We talked about fiber for ten minutes until she partially grasped what it was and why it was needed in the diet. I then explained why she needed healthy fats, protein and carbohydrates in her diet.

I drank from my water bottle. “You see, as you get older and if you keep eating like this you’re going to end up losing muscle and gaining a lot of fat. It happens with age.”

Her eyes lit up like two drunken fireflies. “I want to gain fat.”

I shook my head. “You want to gain as much lean muscle tissue as possible. If we take your calories up you will probably gain a little fat too.”

She ran a hand through her hair. “Yuck, I don’t want to gain muscle. I don’t want to look like those bodybuilder girls.”

“Those bodybuilders take steroids. You don’t have enough testosterone in your body to produce muscle like they do. And I can take a pretty good guess just by looking at you that you won’t ever put on an appreciable amount of muscle. Your long and slender.”

She balled up her fists. “You see I don’t want to be long and slender. I want to have curves.”

I took out a price guide and handed it to her. “Well, even the best diet isn’t going to change your height or your bone structure.”

She looked at the price guide and snorted. I knew then that our conversation was over.

She took out a piece of paper. “Well, what should I eat for lunch?”

“Well, if you decide to work with me I will give you that information.”

She folded up the price guide and stood. “Well, I’ll think about it.”

I stood and showed her to the door.

It’s so draining talking to people that know everything. Every step of the way she fought me. I expect people to ask questions and even question some things if they don’t make sense to them but if they don’t even know what fiber is then it’s time to shut the old pie hole, sit back, and listen.