Thursday, October 08, 2009
Reverse Curls
Yes, Billie I am doing these correctly. There isn't any significant swinging going on. Billie just feels the need to correct my form as well as Todd's because obviously we don't know what we're doing. :)
Let's Go
Should I buy a Harley? I’m thinking about it. We could just take off, you and me. Tell the world to go fuck itself. Feel the wind in our hair. Well, maybe your hair. We can catch flies in our teeth and breathe fresh exhaust from the mufflers of semis. I want you to go with me babe. Please. We could just ride until the bike disintegrates and then go from there. I could get famous writing; buy a house made of shipping crates in California. Yeah, one of those modern green homes. Come on what do you say? I want to feel you kiss my neck and taste the road grit as we ride. I’m coming into a little cash and I’ll sell the house. Sell my furniture. Cash in my retirement fund. What? You want to stay in Harrisburg? Forever. Are you fucking with me? Well, then I will ride alone. Go so fast I can’t think about you—memories of you unable to cling to my mind. I’ll send you a postcard and one of those turquoise necklaces from New Mexico. I’ll miss you always but I’d rather ride than stay in this fucking place…
One Sort of Knight
I have chosen you to carry my experiment out on. Yes, you are welcome, it is a great privilege. Now, please disrobe. That’s it. Yes, the undergarments too. What the fuck is that a chastity belt? Let me get my lock pick.
Uh, huh, that’s it bingo. That lock wasn’t hard to pick at all. Now, tell your father that if he truly valued his daughter’s virginity he wouldn’t have bought this cut rate chastity belt. There will be now dowry for you my dear but your father is a rich bastard anyway.
Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Very nice. Now, I shall undress and the experiment will begin. Close your eyes. Come a little closer. Put down the I-Phone. That’s it. Closer. Yes, closer still. Do you feel that? You do? Good. Grab hold. Run your hand along the length of it. It’s hard isn’t it? What? It is just like your father’s? What the fuck?
You say you’ve done this experiment before? At home? Dear god you are a deranged girl. You have vacuumed naked before? On Video? I like that, an experienced girl. Now vacuum all the carpets with that Electrolux while I sit on the couch and video tape you. I want to try to sell this on the internet. There are a ton of perverts out there that will love this. We can use the money to buy more coke…
Uh, huh, that’s it bingo. That lock wasn’t hard to pick at all. Now, tell your father that if he truly valued his daughter’s virginity he wouldn’t have bought this cut rate chastity belt. There will be now dowry for you my dear but your father is a rich bastard anyway.
Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Very nice. Now, I shall undress and the experiment will begin. Close your eyes. Come a little closer. Put down the I-Phone. That’s it. Closer. Yes, closer still. Do you feel that? You do? Good. Grab hold. Run your hand along the length of it. It’s hard isn’t it? What? It is just like your father’s? What the fuck?
You say you’ve done this experiment before? At home? Dear god you are a deranged girl. You have vacuumed naked before? On Video? I like that, an experienced girl. Now vacuum all the carpets with that Electrolux while I sit on the couch and video tape you. I want to try to sell this on the internet. There are a ton of perverts out there that will love this. We can use the money to buy more coke…
My Heart is a Spittoon
My heart is hollow, nothing inside: she gutted it with an ice-cream scoop. Of course it was painful as hell. I shellacked it and sat it in the corner of the living room. The dogs piss on it when they haven’t been left out enough. When I chew Redman I use it as a spittoon. Soon it will be full of tobacco juice instead of love and maybe I won’t miss her then.
Videos
Okay, from top to bottom: The first video is of my good friend Todd Hall. He has been squatting for about a month after taking a year or so off from squatting and is already hitting 500 for 5 reps easily.
Filming on some of these videos is the beautiful Billie Stuck. There are you happy, Billie? Geez, and yes I will post a video of you soon.
The other two are of me. I'm down a tad in size due to taking last week off and imbibing several fermented beverages but my strength is still pretty good.
Filming on some of these videos is the beautiful Billie Stuck. There are you happy, Billie? Geez, and yes I will post a video of you soon.
The other two are of me. I'm down a tad in size due to taking last week off and imbibing several fermented beverages but my strength is still pretty good.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Karma
I want to thank-you for breaking my heart. No, really its true there’s nothing quite so refreshing as pain deep in your stomach and the sleepless nights that leave charming circles under your eyes. I’m sure I deserved this for some horrible digression in my past. Was it the time when I was nine and I took two King Kong erasers from the dentist’s office instead of one? Maybe it was for cheating on that math test in 10th grade—yes one hundred percent was hard to believe. Perhaps Karma you have had it out for me from the start, not liking my cocky walk or my smart ass comments. Whatever it is I am grateful to you Karma my dear old friend. Maybe we should go out drinking sometime so I can get you drunk and when you pass out take compromising pictures of you with a transvestite hooker. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Who will be laughing then Karma? Me dear old friend.
Bye Bye Sweet World
I will scrimp and save so that I may be buried four hundred feet down in a glass case filled with formaldehyde, my Chihuahuas at my side. When the big bombs go boom and then 10 million years later the cockroaches are ruling the world-- with an iron claw--they will discover me and dig me up. They will have technology we never had—skyscrapers made of rotting food and cars made of molded feces--and will be able to revive me and my dogs. I suspect at first, they will ask me all kinds of questions prod and probe, which could be fun it is a particularly attractive female cockroach with gentle claws. They will ultimately be disappointed, as we humans are really quite boorish and not as clever as we think. They will lock me in a zoo and throw me bits of cotton candy and I will jack off like the monkeys in our zoos and I will be thinking of you some 10 million years dead…
Monday, October 05, 2009
Sunday, October 04, 2009
She smiled. “I’m twenty-two, the second youngest of eleven children.”
“You’re full of shit.”
“No, really I am.”
“Why did your parents have so many kids? Are you a Mormon or something?”
“No, I guess my parents just liked to fuck a lot.”
I spit some beer up.
“So why are you buying the drinks for these five guys,” I asked.
“These are my brothers.”
I looked at them. They looked like they’d fallen off the page of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. “Those aren’t your brothers.”
She smiled. “They’re my friends, they’re gay. They tell me to say that so guys don’t hit on me.”
I took a drink from my beer. “Well, I’m not hitting on you.”
She smiled. She was gorgeous. “I know your not,” she said.
“Let me buy you a drink.”
“Okay, rum and coke.”
I ordered the drink. Her gay friends were looking me over. “Do they want something?”
“You don’t need to get them anything.”
That smile. “What do you do?” she asked.
“A lot of things.”
She laughed.
“I am a writer and a personal trainer and I work in a law firm.”
“You’re a writer?”
“I’m whatever you want me to be.” Sure it was a bad line but when you’re drunk it seems clever and she laughed so I was good.
Her hair fell in her face and I gently moved it to the side.
“Can I kiss you?” I asked.
I didn’t wait for her to answer…
…
I woke up and didn’t know where the fuck I was and then I saw the blonde. I got out of bed and went looking for the bathroom. There were wood steps and I started up them. At the top I lost my footing and still being drunk and high my face smashed into the ground.
It didn’t hurt much but the blood was pouring out. It was everywhere, on the carpet and steps, on my shirt. I dripped blood all the way to the bathroom where I tried to stop the flow with a hand towel. I knew then that it was time to get the fuck out of this place before I had to explain the blood everywhere.
My shoes and jacket were on the couch next to the door. I flicked on the light and got a look at the blood. It looked like someone had been ritually sacrificing goats with a dull knife.
The door was thankfully quiet and I slipped out into the night. The city was asleep and the cold air felt good in my lungs. I didn’t know where the fuck I was but my buzz was still going strong, at least I had that going for me…
“You’re full of shit.”
“No, really I am.”
“Why did your parents have so many kids? Are you a Mormon or something?”
“No, I guess my parents just liked to fuck a lot.”
I spit some beer up.
“So why are you buying the drinks for these five guys,” I asked.
“These are my brothers.”
I looked at them. They looked like they’d fallen off the page of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. “Those aren’t your brothers.”
She smiled. “They’re my friends, they’re gay. They tell me to say that so guys don’t hit on me.”
I took a drink from my beer. “Well, I’m not hitting on you.”
She smiled. She was gorgeous. “I know your not,” she said.
“Let me buy you a drink.”
“Okay, rum and coke.”
I ordered the drink. Her gay friends were looking me over. “Do they want something?”
“You don’t need to get them anything.”
That smile. “What do you do?” she asked.
“A lot of things.”
She laughed.
“I am a writer and a personal trainer and I work in a law firm.”
“You’re a writer?”
“I’m whatever you want me to be.” Sure it was a bad line but when you’re drunk it seems clever and she laughed so I was good.
Her hair fell in her face and I gently moved it to the side.
“Can I kiss you?” I asked.
I didn’t wait for her to answer…
…
I woke up and didn’t know where the fuck I was and then I saw the blonde. I got out of bed and went looking for the bathroom. There were wood steps and I started up them. At the top I lost my footing and still being drunk and high my face smashed into the ground.
It didn’t hurt much but the blood was pouring out. It was everywhere, on the carpet and steps, on my shirt. I dripped blood all the way to the bathroom where I tried to stop the flow with a hand towel. I knew then that it was time to get the fuck out of this place before I had to explain the blood everywhere.
My shoes and jacket were on the couch next to the door. I flicked on the light and got a look at the blood. It looked like someone had been ritually sacrificing goats with a dull knife.
The door was thankfully quiet and I slipped out into the night. The city was asleep and the cold air felt good in my lungs. I didn’t know where the fuck I was but my buzz was still going strong, at least I had that going for me…
Saturday, October 03, 2009
A Night in DC
She ran her fingers over the lightning bolt shaped veins that run down each side of my head. “You look mean,” she said.
“Good mean or bad mean?” I asked.
“Good mean. You look tough,” she said.
I downed my shot and she ran her fingers over the back of my neck. I tried to remember what day it was but the booze and pills made all the days run together. I guessed it was Friday and my watch told me I was right.
“I’m heading out,” my brother said.
I took a drink from my beer and when I looked back he was gone. It was just the two of us now. I ordered two more shots. I couldn’t get drunk enough or lost enough to forget yet. That’s what I was aiming to do—to forget, to erase every memory of her from my mind. I was almost there.
She leaned over and whispered in my ear. “You know my house is only two blocks from here..”
I downed my shot and took a swig of beer. She traced the lightning bolt vein on my head with her finger. I couldn’t feel her touch. I was numb.
“What’s your name again?” I asked.
She got an indignant look on her face. I guess I’d asked one too many times. She was a nice girl and meant something to someone; probably her boyfriend but she didn’t mean anything to me.
She downed her shot. “It’s Candy.”
“That’s right, Candy. How could I forget such a beautiful name?”
Of course I was full of shit but she smiled and the booze helped erase any animosity I might have stirred up. I was back in but did I want to be?
I ordered two more shots. “So you’re an attorney, Candy?”
“Yeah, I practice international law.”
“Cool. You travel a lot?”
“Yeah, and I can take people with me. I have a ton of frequent flyer miles.”
“I bet your boyfriend likes that.”
“I don’t take him. He’s boring.”
“Am I boring?”
She ran the back of her hand against my beard. “No you’re mean.”
“Right.”
She kissed my cheek. I should have felt something but I didn’t.
“Good mean or bad mean?” I asked.
“Good mean. You look tough,” she said.
I downed my shot and she ran her fingers over the back of my neck. I tried to remember what day it was but the booze and pills made all the days run together. I guessed it was Friday and my watch told me I was right.
“I’m heading out,” my brother said.
I took a drink from my beer and when I looked back he was gone. It was just the two of us now. I ordered two more shots. I couldn’t get drunk enough or lost enough to forget yet. That’s what I was aiming to do—to forget, to erase every memory of her from my mind. I was almost there.
She leaned over and whispered in my ear. “You know my house is only two blocks from here..”
I downed my shot and took a swig of beer. She traced the lightning bolt vein on my head with her finger. I couldn’t feel her touch. I was numb.
“What’s your name again?” I asked.
She got an indignant look on her face. I guess I’d asked one too many times. She was a nice girl and meant something to someone; probably her boyfriend but she didn’t mean anything to me.
She downed her shot. “It’s Candy.”
“That’s right, Candy. How could I forget such a beautiful name?”
Of course I was full of shit but she smiled and the booze helped erase any animosity I might have stirred up. I was back in but did I want to be?
I ordered two more shots. “So you’re an attorney, Candy?”
“Yeah, I practice international law.”
“Cool. You travel a lot?”
“Yeah, and I can take people with me. I have a ton of frequent flyer miles.”
“I bet your boyfriend likes that.”
“I don’t take him. He’s boring.”
“Am I boring?”
She ran the back of her hand against my beard. “No you’re mean.”
“Right.”
She kissed my cheek. I should have felt something but I didn’t.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
In the movies or other people’s lives she comes back and she says it was all a mistake that she wants to be with you forever. You kiss and they cue the theme music. In my world I sit and wait and the dust thickens and the cobwebs grow and I toss back another beer or pill and time distorts so I can make it through another day but still she doesn’t come. After a while I forget if she was even real, the only thing that remains is the pain and the empty beer bottles.
Monday, September 28, 2009
I popped a few tranquilizers--washing them down with a beer--and slowly the world around me became soft and bright. The people on TV were all smiling at me and the colors around them were so brilliant I felt as if I had never seen anything like them before. I drifted in and out of sleep all day and it felt good to relax after so much anxiety. You probably wouldn’t understand, then again maybe you would. Sometimes it is better to be unconscious than to face those things that eat at us, drive us to do things that we normally wouldn’t do. Sometimes it is good just to be high…
Thursday, September 03, 2009
So you say that you’ve seen the light but how do you know it is THE light? Maybe it was just a car’s headlight reflecting off a cat’s eye. Perhaps it was the lighter of a crack head firing up her glass pipe. My point is that seeing the light might not be at all what people recount when they have an epiphany. THE light might not be THE light at all but rather the absence of darkness, a whole in the black scenery of life. Another dimension in a world that means nothing…
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