Dear Kerouaced: real questions from real people

My answers might not always be popular but they will be true. So if you’re afraid of the truth then don’t ask. Live with your head in the sand. See if I fucking care…


One of my readers wanted to get personal so I’ll answer her questions but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Dear Kerouaced,

1. Besides watching Steelers games what is there to do in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania?

Absolutely nothing unless the Mountaineers are playing. Quite honestly there is precious little to do in Harrisburg when the Steelers aren’t botching up their chances at making the playoffs (I hate to love them). This is why I whittle dining room sets, self induce comas by breathing in excessive amounts of ether and test the effects of large quantities of beer on the CNS…

2. If another Bush [e.g. Jeb] becomes President, should I move to Canada or some part of Asia? Any other alternative?

If that happens I’m planning a big Kool-Aid party and you’re invited. Seriously though Canada is too close and Asia has that weird bird flu thing going on. No, your only real option is to build a bunker, line it with cans of Guinness and only come back up when the Bush’s have finished destroying what is left of civilization. And no there aren’t any other alternatives.

3. When’s your next trip to California? :P

I’ve sworn off the Golden Bear state or whatever the Hell you people call that mass of land teetering precariously on the St. Andreas Fault line. The last time I was there I was force fed wine and beer and ended up puking all over some fancy hotel room. I escaped the next morning wearing nothing but a pair of Polo boxer briefs as the Mexican maid chased me down the hallway…okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. I’ll be back before you guys drop off into the ocean. Of course naked pictures of all my female admirers would hasten my return.