Dear Kerouaced: real questions from real people

My answers might not always be popular but they will be true. So if you’re afraid of the truth then don’t ask. Live with your head in the sand. See if I fucking care…

Dear Kerouaced:
Can you explain the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in layman's terms?
-evilchemistwannabe

Dear EvilChemistWannabe,

I suppose I could explain this to you but even in layman’s terms you’re probably too dumb to understand it. Why don’t you stick to cooking meth? If you blow yourself up it will just be one less trailer to clean up after the next hurricane.

Dear Kerouaced:
People all suck. What gives?
signed,
- joe misanthropist

Dear Joe Misanthropist,

You silly fucking bastard. It’s about time you peaked out from under your mother’s skirt. How long did it take you to figure out that most people are irredeemable scum? I’ve heard of a slow learning curve but this realization is on the same timetable as continental drift. What realization will hit you next? That water is wet? Moron…

Dear Kerouaced:
What’s the most effective way to end an obnoxious nearby cell phone conversation?
-sprint-ing for the door

Dear Sprint-ing for the door,

Other than pepper spray? What you want to do is make them as uncomfortable as possible. Since they think everyone will be interested in what they have to say join in the conversation. For example if a man is talking on his cell phone and says, “He lost 67 pounds,” then you walk up to him so your face is six inches from his and yell, “Wow, he must have been a real pig if he had that much to lose.” I think you get the idea. Keep it up until they put their phone away or leave the area.

Dear Kerouaced:
Is it supposed to be this itchy? Damn!
-no more tequila for me

Dear No More Tequila,

There’s nothing I hate more than a slut that blames her promiscuity on alcohol. The truth of the matter is that good old Mr. Tequila gave you an excuse to kick you legs up in the air like some sort of carnival freak. Now that you’re itching like a Rockette wearing fiberglass underwear you want to ask if it’s normal. Well, Hell yes it’s normal if you’ve got some sort of STD! Go rub yourself down with garlic and head straightaway to a doctor. Leave the Tequila to the professionals like me…

Dear Kerouaced:
Do these jeans make my butt look good?
-like, totally, oh my god.

Dear Oh My God,

Here’s a clue, if you have to ask me if your ass looks good in a pair of jeans then I’m sure it doesn’t look good. Let me guess does your ass in those jeans look like two pillow cases stuffed with lima beans? Yeah, I thought so. Women with nice asses know they have nice asses and don’t need to go fishing for compliments. If I were you I’d hike up Mount Everest with a treadmill on your back. That’s the only way you’re going to work that bubba butt off and look good in jeans…