I was driving to meet my grandfather for breakfast before work this morning when I passed a hearse. It occurred to me that at some point I might be packed into a casket and the lid sealed shut. Then the casket would be lowered into a deep dark hole and I would be left forever to rot there. This seemed less than appealing to me so the first thing I did this morning was to write a will.

In this will I made it clear that at no time was I to be put in a casket or enclosed in one of those meat locker drawers in a morgue. My body was to be left out in the open, preferably sitting up. I also refuse to have my body stuffed into the back of a hearse. Instead I would like to be taped to the top of a Subaru’s luggage rack as we make my way to my resting place. An acceptable alternative would be to tape me to a chair and then secure the chair to the top of the Subaru. I think they do something like this in New Orleans, the parade of death or something.

I ask not to be buried in some far off location in a cemetery. Surely, people will forget about me if this occurs and I can’t have that happen. I also am a bit claustrophobic so that hole in the ground thing won’t work for me. Oh, and don’t even consider cremation. If you want to scatter anything get some of my old underwear, pour some lighter fluid on them and get ashes from their remains.

My body is to be put in the city in a park. There I will always feel part of things--everywhere else feels too much like death. Eventually the animals small and large will consume my body and I will be part of the raven, the stray dog and the maggot. I suppose a lot of me will be crapped out in various locations. So, yeah, I guess I will be scattered to the wind but it sure beats being stuck in the ground…