Tough guys don't dance. You had better believe it. -- Norman Mailer

Ice caps and capped teeth

The polar caps are melting and soon the planet will be as dry as a lizard’s armpit. The world which I have strangely become attached to, the place where I took my first wobbly step will in all likelihood cease to exist as that way cool place where you can breathe mostly oxygen (if you don’t live in Los Angeles) and swim in water that is mostly free of PCBs. When the cause of the rapidly deteriorating atmosphere is boiled down to its sticky essence it is revealed--swimming like suffocating otters in a giant oil slick—fat CEO cocksuckers (which are revealed by one classic study in the 80’s to be largely sociopaths and psychopaths). Rather than taking in air these types have clenched between their capped teeth a five letter word that will be the destruction of us all: GREED. In their world money trumps all other concerns and as I like to remind George W. Bush, you can’t spend money in an atmosphere that doesn’t exist. Nice going guys I hope you can spend money in Hell because if that place exists you’re going to have a front row seat.

See ya...

I’m going to DC today. Do you want to come along? Phone me. We’ll see if we have room and oh yeah make sure you bring plenty of beer. I don’t like when people drink all my beer. It makes me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…

The Golden Chicken Leg

I've been largely absent as of late and I mean to make amends. Will you accept this bronzed chicken leg? Yes, the very one Colonel Sanders gave me after he ran over my driver on the fifth hole at Pebble Beach in 1978. You're right I was only nine years old but I knew people. It's always good to know people...

Shhhhh I'm studying...

I have to memorize all this anatomy and exercise stuff. I will still go drink green beer on Friday though...

Believe in the baby pigs

The blind reasons keep coming at me like baby pigs swaddled in cut rate cologne and shot from a giant slingshot. The squealing and odor is unbearable—filth masked with every intention of smelling good but of course overdone. I want to ask you when the last time was you caught one of these baby pigs and took it in as your own? When was the last time anything smelled that good/bad to you? When was the last time you believed in anything?

Luch in Tennessee...

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SOME COCKSUCKER PLAGIARIZED MY WORK!

Some cocksucker plagiarized my work. His blog has no comments on it so his friends and family won't find him out. I am speaking to Blogger about contacting the little rat. You're in a shitload of trouble fat boy...What he doesn't know is that this piece is copyrighted and what he did is a crime. I am contacting my attorney. I hope he has a good job that pays a lot of money. This is his blog: IDIOT I will hunt you down you huge loser. I strongly suggest you take the work you plagiarized down right now. You really don't want to meet me in person...

Compare the story on Steve Alter's blog to my March 8, 2005 piece...He can't even plagiarize well. Ha ha