Me to the fat nerdy girl in SuperPetz: “So, I’m looking for some fish for my niece for Christmas. What type of freshwater fish can I get?” I hold up an aquarium in a box I’m going to purchase.
Fat Girl: “We only sell freshwater fish.”
Me: “Oh.”
Fat girl: “Well, you could get her a frog.” She’s got this smile fixed on her face but it looks somehow disingenuous. No, that’s not it. The smile is Joker from Batman scary. It’s the old lights are on but no one is home smile. She had been one seat away from riding the short bus to school.
Me: “Is a frog a fish? I thought it was an amphibian.”
“Oh year right but it can live with the fish. It can live with a Banjo catfish or Velvet Swordtails. I love them they’re so pretty. Ooh, you could also get an African Butterfly fish. They get real tame and will eat off your finger.”
I’m hoping that is Twinkie filling smeared across the sleeve of her SuperPetz sweatshirt.
“Eat off your finger? Like a dog? Do they bite?”
“No, they don’t bite it’s more like a kiss.” She mimics with her lips which are so big even they have rolls.
“Okay, listen I’m in a hurry here. How about you just get me those four or five fish you mentioned.”
“Oh, no not in that aquarium. You can’t have that many fish in that little aquarium.”
I hold up the box. “Look there’s about ten fish pictured on this box. They all seem to be doing all right.”
“That’s just advertising. These fish need much more room. You can have one or two fish tops in that aquarium.”
“I can have? You mean you won’t sell me the five fish?”
“No, you can’t have the five fish. You can have a frog and a Beta if you want but I can’t allow you to have more than that.”
“How old are you?”
“Eighteen.”
“I’m twice as old as you. I’ve lived in apartments not much bigger than this aquarium with five people. Now give me the five fish.” I shake the box angrily for effect.
She knits her unibrow. “I’ll get you a frog and a Beta.”
She sounds as if she’s scolding me and its really starting to piss me off. I can tell that she is one of those PETA types that goes overboard with trying to protect animals, the type that thinks every fucking creature is sacred, that type that would staple gun herself to a wheel of cheese because she thought it had feelings and didn’t want it to be eaten. I mean I don’t want to see animals hurt but Jesus Christ she is so damn dumb that I would pick one of the fish in these tanks to beat her at checkers.
She scoops out a frog.
Me: “Excuse me.”
Fat girl: “Yes?”
“Where are your condiments? You know tartar sauce and lemon?”
7 comments:
"She had been one seat away from riding the short bus to school. "
That was funny.
And "where are your condiments?"
Haha.
hehe.
On another note, here's what I'm thinking about the whole fish in a tank thing. PETA, Schmeta. Anyone who gives a damn about the fuckin' fish wouldn't bother selling them at all. You domesticate other animals that, you know, can breathe AIR and you can give them something to do other than chase food, and be food. You know. Walks and shit. Toys. Dog runs. What ever floats your fuckin' boat. But they can have something to DO. Fish, on the other had, can't. You stick 'em in a tank of water, drop some pebbles, plastic plant-life and a diving man or some shit, and they swim. All fuckin' day long. They're going nowhere. They're looking for nothing. They've got nothing to hide from. And then once or twice a day the surface for food. That's it. Why in fucks name did we "domesticate" fuckin' fish? They're petttyyyyy.
And that rant there is no offense to you. Hell, i've had my share of fish. WHy the hell not. They're already tanked.
I’ve lived in apartments not much bigger than this aquarium with five people.
made me howl.
bravo as always, bro. you're such a good writer
That is fuckin' FUNNY dude. We all know stapling is not the proper way to connect ourselves to wheels of cheese.
More great stuff. Sorry it's been a while, I've been in holiday hell.
damn, i lost your url (no shit, ok, for real) and it's good to find you again. of course, i was hiding in a hole for six months...never mind. you're great. your blog is great. bill cower's jaw is great. though the porn-stache has to go.
fantastic story, ker. i'd add balsalmic to the mix, though.
From your description of this "Fat Girl" (lips which are so big even they have rolls,) I'd say she might have other, less protective, motivation to get herself staple-gunned to a wheel of cheese! Her escape would inevitably be a tasty one for her.
Sorry it happened to ya. Very glad you wrote about it! LOL!
" I’ve lived in apartments not much bigger than this aquarium with five people." - fucking hilarious.
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