You see I’m not so very highly evolved

You see I’m not so very highly evolved. Please excuse my knuckles as they scrape across your linoleum. You see you if you graph my head, pinch it with calipers,and kneed the contours and ridges you will conclude from the phrenological data that I am an inferior human being. Upon cutting my head open and turning the top over like a soup bowl you will find that there is nothing worthwhile going on inside, that in fact there is only whipped cream where my brain should be. When I am completely documented, when you have plotted every inch of my hopes and dreams, when you report to your superiors over wine and cheese and have a good laugh at the data know that I have just turned in my report on you and my findings will be quite disturbing. Sit back in your leather desk chair and moisten your brow with a cool pina colada soaked washcloth. That’s it. According to the data I’ve collected you’re not even human. DNA test results and urine samples will back up my find. Yes, it appears you are an imposter. No, don’t cry. It’s okay, really. I can fix it. Open your mouth. That’s it. Now, I want you to take this all in, every inch. Don’t gag. What is it you ask? It’s called empathy. I know it’s foreign to you but believe me in the end it will make you human.