Last night started out like many of my nights in the gym. I had worked out, trained a co-worker and was heading back to the squat rack with the hockey player I train when I was unexpectedly and brutally assaulted. By whom you ask? Well, there was more than one of them and one of them was invisible. No, I’m not crazy…let me rephrase that, my mind is of a different mold. Happy? Good, I shall proceed. The duo that unleashed this horrible attack on my being was really a beast with two heads. A most vile and unfathomably vicious Nehebkau like beast that was more ferocious than anything I could have imagined.

I threw my hand over my nose. Tears ran from my eyes. “By god man do you smell that?”

My client looked at me and the panic in his eyes told me he had. “I have a cold but I can still smell it.”

There in front of us was a rather dumpy individual doing deadlifts and he wasn’t alone. With him was an odor that emanated from him and which I don’t know if I can adequately describe with words but I will try. He smelled like a mixture of a giant hamster cage that hadn’t been cleaned in three years, a knocked over outhouse and concentrated Medieval body odor.

My client and I dashed across the gym to escape this man and his odor but it seemed to follow us like some sort of demon possessed cloud. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes as my head spun and my stomach heaved. People around us were hiding their mouths and noses under their shirts and giving us dirty looks. My worst fears had come true. The stink had stuck to us.

My client and I made for the other side of the gym but still the smell followed us, clinging to us like a starving squirrel on a bag of peanuts. Everywhere we ran people covered their mouths and noses. Some screamed and several fainted. My client ran out the front door and I was left standing in the middle of the gym surrounded by the most ungodly smell ever whiffed by a human being.

The gym was in complete chaos and no one seemed to notice that the dumpy guy was moving towards me and the smell was growing worse. He stared straight at me and began to remove his clothing. I gasped, frozen in my spot, unable to take my eyes off the car wreck that was his body. By the time he was ten feet from me he was in only his stained jockstrap.

Suddenly I snapped out of it. “It’s him; behold the man and his smell.”

Eyes grew large and silence engulfed the gym. The dumpy guy stopped and looked around him. He realized the gig was up. He and his smell had been discovered. There was nothing to do but run and run he did. He ran straight out of the gym leaving his stinky clothing behind.

A Hazmat team was called in and the clothing removed. Several gym members had to be hospitalized with extreme nausea but not deaths by stink were reported. The gym will be closed for two weeks while a team of professionals scours every inch of the gym. As I write this on my laptop I am bathing in a bathtub full of tomato juice. I also threw in several cans of Clamato juice because I like to roll like that…