Dear Governor Rendell,



I received the correspondence from your secretary dated November 5, 2009. I assume it met your approval since I found a hamburger grease finger print stain on the stationary which I had a friend at the FBI run and it turned out to be yours. The signature was stamped so I would have had to otherwise question the authenticity of said document.



Pertaining to your comments on our beloved Phillies: Yes, it’s a damn shame the Phillies lost the World Series to the most despicable organization in professional sports, the New York Yankees. To even the playing field I suggest you go ahead and sell the Turnpike to the Swiss or whoever the hell wanted the damn thing and use the proceeds to buy up every baseball player in MLB with a batting average over .290 or has an ERA below 3.00. Then we can have 27 World Series Championship banners hanging in Citizens Bank Park. I also think it would be prudent for you to know that Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes as reported by many sleazy magazines. Google it, you’ll find it to be true. Yes, he is the smug little jackass we all think he is. At any rate, think on this subject and let me know if I can help the Phillies in any way for the 2010 season. Oh, and if you need anyone to interview ball girls my partner Muggsy and I are up for the job.



Now, to the business at hand, my partner and I question the free service clause you suggested for the current and future governors at brothels if they were to become legal. Now, I would have no problem allowing this opportunity for you. Hell, I would let you screw the women on a mattress made of cheese steaks and I would provide the cheese steaks. No, what I am concerned with is who might replace you as governor. What if it were a Republican? As we all know the higher echelons of the party are largely comprised of sexual deviates in denial. It is not uncommon to find one of these bastard homophobes being caught trying to suck the pecker of an undercover cop in a McDonald’s bathroom and afterward claiming they slipped in a puddle of urine and merely fell towards the cop’s night stick. Inevitably this bastard will be the leader of some anti-gay organization. They hate women! If you force one of them to come to our brothel we could have a real mess on our hands. I assume you’ve heard of Jack the Ripper? You don’t think he was a self-hating homosexual? Who knows what they would do to a beautiful woman when deep down in their closeted souls they really want to be with a man? The possibilities are too frightening for me to get a grip on completely.


I know you once compared prostitution to contract killing but we both know you said that because it was the politically correct thing to do. I have no problem with that as I know you have to appear squeaky clean to get into office. In the tabloids they have linked you to the prostitute Elliot Spitzer had been using. Again, none of my business but this shows me we can work together.

What would you suggest? I think we include the clause for you but have it run out at the end of your term. How does that sound? There’s nothing wrong with being gay but hiding it can cause all sorts of problems. I think we need to put together a think tank for this issue to come up with the best possible solution. Please get back to me as soon as possible on this matter. Muggsy and I will be at the Bunny Ranch this weekend but you can shoot me an E-mail. Thank-you for your time my old friend.



Yours truly,

Kerouacked



P.S. We should also work to eliminate the DH. It gives the American League an unfair advantage in inter-league play. Also, let’s work to do away with the winner of that stupid Allstar game getting home field advantage in the World Series. Use your influence Big Ed. I know you can do it. Again anything I can do to help even the playing field I will do.