Porn Stars

Hoof and I had one goal that evening and it was to drink until reality blurred and the devilish vision of what we considered the perfect reality was ours. These nights are not for the faint of heart nor anyone concerned with appearance. They are nights in which there are large gaps in the memory and one must trust that the vision will carry them through and out to the other side.

We found ourselves in the 501 club hunkered over the bar chasing shots with beers. We were well into the night and feeling the effects of 15 or so drinks when we were momentarily halted in our quest for inebriation by two curvaceous blonds. Hoof kicked me in the shin but I needed no such prompting. I was about to stand when we noticed a little weasely guy following them. He was probably 60 years old with horned rimmed glasses and only weighed as much as box of crackers.

Hoof set his beer down. “Tell me that little creep isn’t with them.”

I sat down. “I don’t lie to friends.”

The little weasely guy noticed we were looking their way and came over to us. “Hey how are you guys doing?”

Hoof and I both nodded. I normally hate mundane chit-chat but on this night I would make an exception since I wanted to meet the two blonds.

The guy ordered three drinks. “You guys think the girls I’m with are hot?”

This was getting weird. I was beginning to feel very uncomfortable. Hoof and I both nodded again.

The guy picked up one of his beers and took a sip. “Well, what would you say if I told you that you can both sleep with them?”

I spit up a little beer. “I would have to go first. It’s a religious conviction of mine.”

Hoof set his beer on the bar. “You’re not religious.”

The weasely guy stuck a straw in his beer and sipped. “Well here’s the deal. I’m making a porno movie on close circuit TV tonight and I need some guys to be in it.”

The girls looked over at and made eyes at us and then they started making out.

The little weasely guy sipped more beer from his straw. “So what do you say?”

At first I panicked. “Sorry this is my offseason. I’m not in porno shape right now. Catch me in about 6 months and I’ll be tan and ripped.”

The weasely guy leaned in close. “You can wear a mask if you want.”

Hoof set his beer down and rubbed his bearded chin. “What kind of mask?”

“I have a Bill Clinton mask and a Richard Nixon mask.”

I took a sip of my beer. “If we would consider this I would have to be Bill Clinton.”

Hoof stood. “There is no way I’m going to be Richard Nixon. That’s just creepy.”

The girls didn’t even look up. They were too busy fondling each other. It was clear the Hoof and I had reached an impasse on the mask matter. If we were going to be porn stars, even for one night, we would need to cross this hurdle. I suggested we flip a coin but Hoof was having none of this. He claimed he couldn’t get an erection if he was Richard Nixon.

I slammed my fist on the bar. “For moral and political reasons I cannot be Richard Nixon.”

Suddenly a sobering look came over Hoof’s face. “What the fuck are we talking about? We’re not going to be in a porn movie no matter what mask we’re wearing.”

He had a point. We had been so caught up in the matter of the masks the we forgot we would never be in a porn movie anyway. It was time to get the fuck out there.
When the weasely guy walked over to the blonds we paid our tab and then bolted for the door. It was a narrow escape but we made it. We ran into the weasely guy and the two porn star blonds at different bars that night as they tried to recruit guys and each time he would approach us and we would make for the exit.