It’s December and the temperature has dropped so far down the thermometer that it isn’t worth pin pointing to a specific number. After a certain point these numbers lose their meaning and one only needs to know that if they lick a metal light post their tongue isn’t coming free without loosing a layer of skin. I don’t lick metal light posts.
I step out of the Monte Carlo and slam the door shut. As I look up at the snow coming down I see the pink neon sign of the Exotic Spice Lounge. It hums like a swarm of mosquitoes and is covered with a thick layer of black grime that looks like chewing tobacco spit.
I take one last puff on my cigarillo and drop it in the snow at the door. The bouncer gives me the once over. He’s built like a trash bag filled with mashed potatoes. “I.D?”
I tilt the brim of my black Fedora up so he can see my cold hard eyes. “You don’t think I look like I’m old enough to come into this joint?”
He steps in my face. I hate when people step in my face. “No I.D. no tits and ass.”
“Is tits and ass a new salad dressing? I’m not sure I’ve tried that one before. Does Paul Newman put that out?”
“Huh?”
“Right, you probably don’t eat salads. You’re probably a tube steak eater.”
“What?”
“That’s what I thought.”
I flip open my wallet and am careful not to let this sap see my PI license. I hand him my driver’s license. He points what seems like a 40,000 watt flashlight at it. He keeps staring at it until I start to get agitated.
“You having trouble reading? I can translate.”
He takes a step closer, his mashed potato stomach pressing up against me. I slip my fists into my pockets and into my Mom’s brass knuckles, ready to take this cocksucker out. He pushes my I.D. in my face. “Have a good night.”
Calm down Ludlow. This isn’t worth it. Remember the big picture. Think of slow rolling ocean waves like the doc told you. That’s it.
I open the door and step inside. My ears are instantly assaulted by the stereo system blaring that crappy techno music. Its damn dark in here it takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the nudity and when they do I make a b-line for the stage. Every shape and type of woman is on that stage jiggling things I didn’t even know were supposed to jiggle. I sit and pull out my wad of cash making sure everyone in the place sees it.
A brunette with pendulous breasts leans down in front of me and start swinging them. I am hypnotized. I start tossing one dollar bills at her like an old lady throwing bread to the pigeons in a park. I lean in and one of her breasts hits me in the eye. Her nipples are as big as acorns and I think that’s’ what pokes me in the cornea. I grab my eye in pain and fall back in my chair.
I peer around the stage with my one good eye. What I see is disgusting. Every type of three time loser is spending his paycheck on a certain girl he is sure will go home with him if he just throws her enough cash. I call it the big lie and these dames know how to sell it.
A curvy blond, wearing nothing but a note pad in her left hand, comes up to me. “Drink?”
I stare at her breasts. “Yes, I do.”
She cracks her gum. “Yes, I do what.”
“Drink.”
“That’s what I’m asking you. Do you want a drink?”
Goddamn it Ludlow snap out of it. You’re acting like a diabetic in a candy bar factory. Focus on the task at hand. “Sure, how about a Heineken?”
“One Heiney coming up.”
I stared at her hiney as she walks from my table. And then I see her; much more beautiful than her father described. She looks like she should be airbrushed on the side of one of those fancy conversion vans. She is staring at me with a look of raw lust. Yes, even in the dark club I can see it. She wants me. I never been more sure of anything in my life.
She’s dressed in a sheer robe and keeps walking my way. In an instant I’m testing the tensile strength of my boxer shorts.
She is right in front of me now. I’m about to say hello and ask her if she will you run away to Mexico with me. She steps around me. Okay, maybe I was wrong about her wanting me but I’m not wrong about is that she’s hugging some low life and she’s not smiling. She looks scared and now I don’t even notice she is naked. I focus on that bottom feeder. It’s got to be Ginger Speedly, the pimping piece of shit that has sweet Annie hooked on the horse. What kind of man calls himself Ginger?
“What did you say?”
Oh, shit I must have said that out loud. “Uh, are you the guy they call Ginger?”
He steps up to my face so his crotch is about 6 inches away. I could punch him in the balls so he’d be singing like Minnie Mouse for the rest of his life but I don’t operate like that. I need proof. Sure, I’d bust him in the balls if I found he was the low life I thought he was but now I have to remain calm.
“Why do you want to know?”
“Oh, no reason. I heard someone say you were the man.”
He seemed to like that. He smiled with gold teeth. “That’s right. I am the man.”
Sweet Annie Shore hugs the rhinestone encrusted sleeve of his pimp blazer. I want instantly and permanently to get rid of those shiny gold teeth.
The waitress sets my Heineken on my table. I stick ten bucks between her breasts and she flips her head back and catches the bill in her teeth. Someone somewhere would be proud to know there daughter just isn’t some lowly stripper but has real talents. “Well, I was told you’re the man that can get things.”
Ginger’s eyes narrow. “You a cop?”
“No, hell I don’t even like to wear blue it makes me look fat.”
“But you are fat.”
“To the naked eye I may look fat but if I’m standing real far away I just look small.”
“What?”
He stands and runs his fingers around the felt of his white derby unsure what to do. Then he smiles with those goddamn gold teeth. “You’re pretty damn funny.”
I try to smile back but I don’t think it comes out quite right. More like a half snarl. He doesn’t seem to notice.
Time to get this show on the road. I reach in the pocket of my trench coat and pull out my wad of cash. I purposely drop my money clip on the ground. “Ooops, sorry.” I light my Zippo and go down towards sweet Annie’s feet. I can see between her toes that she’s been shooting the needle there. “Oh there it is.” I picked up my money clip and jam it in my pocket with the cash.
Ginger looks at my wad like a chicken hawk watches a defenseless kitten rolling in a sand box of Shake-n-Bake. Now he knows I’m a player and he won’t leave me alone until one way or another all my money was in his pocket.
He licks his lips and they glisten like he’s wearing too much Chapstick. “You like the ladies?”
I take a sip of my beer. “I don’t like the ladies. I love the ladies.”
“Well, I just might be able to help you out.”
“Maybe but I don’t go for any of that funny stuff. I don’t want anyone pissing on my forehead or putting electrodes on my nipples?”
“What?”
“I like my women like I like my liquor, straight up.”
“You fucked up, man.”
“Maybe so but I know what I like. I look up at Annie. “How much for her?”
Anne looks like she might cry. I don’t blame her. My face looks like a baked potato someone threw against a brick wall.
Ginger rubs his stringy little goatee and I swear I see beads of grease drip to the floor. “Her now she’s special. I trained her myself. One night, fifteen-hundred dollars.”
I light a cigarillo and blow it in Ginger’s face. “She any good?”
“I just said I trained her myself mother fucker.”
These types don’t respect you if you don’t stand up to them. You can’t push too far but just enough to show you’re not a chump.
“And how do I know you’re a good trainer? You may be a premature ejaculator and have a 2 inch penis.”
“You’re really pushing it man.”
“Pushing is what I do best, well pushing and shoving.” I tuck my erection under my belt and stand. “I’ll take her. You got a room around here?”
Now Annie is really crying. I didn’t think I’m that bad. Ah, who am I fooling, yeah I am that bad. I’ve had many women before but come to think of it most of them had been extremely drunk.
Ginger stands. “Upstairs. And no funny stuff. I will be here all night and will be checking on you. Now give me my money.”
I reach in my pocket and peel fifteen one hundred dollar bills off my wad and handed them to the dirty little fuck bucket. “There you go.”
He pushes Annie towards me. I take her trembling hand with my big mitt and she leads me towards the back towards a staircase. I follow her up but I can’t even look at her. I feel too damn bad for the kid.
As Annie opens the door at the top of the stairs I look down. Ginger is sitting at a table at the bottom and waves at me. I nod.
She opens the door and pulls me inside shutting the door behind us. She keeps the lights off. I don’t blame her for that.
She grabs my shirt with both hands, ripping a good patch of chest hair out in the process. “You want me to suck your cock?”
“Yes, yes I do…I mean no. Let’s have a drink.”
She goes to the refrigerator and grabs two Budweisers and hands me one. Her beer is half empty by the time I get the cap off of mine. “You don’t like doing this do you?”
She stops drinking. “I love it baby. Especially with a handsome man like you.”
“Don’t give me that handsome man stuff, sister. I’m so ugly I can peel the paint off a wall if I stare at it long enough.”
She starts to cry. I catch a tear running down her cheek with my index finger and flick it on the ground. “I’m not here to sleep with you. I’m a PI hired by your father to get you out of this place.”
She puts her beer down and starts backing up. “You don’t know what he’ll do to me if he finds out.”
I set my beer down and ball up my mitts like two mallet heads. “He doesn’t know what I’ll do to him if he lays one hand on your head.”
The faucets are running full force now and her eye makeup looks like some sort of bad modern art. “Is my Dad okay?”
“His heart is broken but other than that he’s fine. He just wants his baby girl back and she’s coming with me if I have to fight every goddamn cocksucker in this joint.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“I’d do that because I was paid to do it and because it’s the right thing to do. And yeah I’d d it for you. You seem like an okay kid. Don’t be scared of me I may not be handsome or have fancy clothes but I can crack heads and count bodies.”
“Can I put some clothes on?”
“Yeah, get dressed and pack a bag. Only take what you really need. I’m going to get some money from your boyfriend so you can start over and we’ll get you to a rehab far away from here so that pig can’t find you.”
She frowns. “He carries a gun.”
I open up my trench coat exposing my six pistols, ammo, grenades, knife and machine gun. “I have more guns and I have these.” I pull my big mitts out and clench them tight.
She smiles and it make my heart feel like it is filled with helium. If I weren’t so goddamn heavy I’d probably float right now.
She hurries to the closet, pulls out a bag and starts to fill it.
I take out a cigarillo. “Mind if I smoke?”
“No go ahead.”
I light my cigarillo and inhale. You never know when your last smoke will come and so I take advantage of the moment. She pulls on some jeans, a sweatshirt and shoes.
“I’m ready.”
I drop my cigarillo on the ground and rub it out with my boot. “Stay behind me no matter what.”
I rear back with my size twelve and kick the door in half. Pieces of the door slide down the stairs. I hear Ginger yell, “What the fuck?”
In an instant I hear him running up the stairs. We step to the side and he comes barreling through the door. I meet his jaw with my fist and his head snaps backwards. “Didn’t think I could hit that hard did you?”
He falls over a coffee table and his gun goes off. I jump on top of him and start pounding my fists into his face, grinding it down to the bone.
Full needles fall out of his pockets. I pick one up and jab it in his arm. He’s gone. Way out in la la land and he won’t be coming back any time soon. I reach in his nasty rhinestone pimp jacket and pull out close to fifteen grand in one-hundred dollar bills. I also take four grand out of my own pocket put it on the stack and turn around.
I extend my hand. “Here this is yours.”
Annie takes the money and stuffs it in her bag. She leans over and kisses me on the forehead. “Thank-you. I don’t even know your name but you’re my knight in shining armor.”
“If I had armor it would probably be dented and have ketchup stains on it. Now, let’s get out of here.”
We turn towards the door to leave and standing there are four bouncers and the manager who is carrying a gun. The manager steps forward. “Don’t you fucking move.”
“Fucking move? Is that some sort of sexual position?”
The manager smiles and his fat cheeks nearly cover his eyes. “I’ll shoot you.”
I take a cigarillo out and light it. “You’re going to have to do better than that fuck nut.”
He pulls the trigger and I take one in the gut and fall to the ground. I lay as still as a possum.
The manager kicks me in the side. I still don’t move. “What the fuck is going on here, Annie?”
“I don’t know. He went crazy. He was smoking crack.”
“Boys take him down the back staircase we’ll have to dump him out in the quarry.”
Inside I’m laughing like I just heard the best punch line ever but the jokes not on me.
The meatheads pick me up and start down the back staircase with Anne and the greasy little manager following. I live for shit like this. I can hear sweet Annie crying and there’s now way I’m going to let her down.
I feel the snow hitting my face in the alley and I come alive, my fists hitting like sledgehammers. I feel teeth flying and eye sockets being crushed. I jam my fist into the bouncer with the body like a garbage bag of mashed potatoes and I hear his ribs snap. He falls to the ground and rolls around in pain in the snow. Mom would be so proud of me right now.
I let my mitts loose as they come at me. Bones snap and there are screams of terror. I am their worst nightmare in a trench coat.
One of the bouncers, a big football player type, jumps on my back. I spin around and around and toss him into a dumpster. His head hits the side and he is out cold. .
The manager lifts his gun but I’m too quick for the fat slob and I knock it out of his hand. He takes off running down the alley.
Annie is crouched against the wall crying. “Your shot.”
I pull my trench coat open and lift up my shirt. “Bullet proof vest.”
She runs up and hugs me and for a moment I’m transported to that golden place in my head. I see my mom hitting a heavy bag in heaven and my first Chihuahua Tank I running around her feet. For now I can fool myself into believing I could really get a dame like Annie. These are the moments I live for the ones that don’t come often for a guy like me. It’s not much but at least it’s something.
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