What I do may sicken some people but I assure you I have only a patient’s best interest in mind. You see I am a plastic surgeon and I thoroughly enjoy helping to transform people. Sure, I could have chosen a profession where I “save” lives sewing up hearts or removing arrows from brains but I chose to make the world’s people beautiful, which of course makes it a better place. You have only to look at some of my patients’ before and after photos to realize how much of a better place…

So, you may ask why I am sitting in this jail cell writing to the opt ed column of my local newspaper. I assure you that none of my patients were injured or maimed and that in fact—to my knowledge—I do not have a single patient that is unhappy with the work that I performed on them. The problem lies in my desire to save the environment. Yes, of course this needs explaining and that is what I intend to do.

You see, I had become quite alarmed by all the fat that I was throwing away after doing liposuction on people in my office. So, much energy being incinerated--so many cheese burgers, cupcakes and pieces of pizza simply stored on a person’s hips, stomach or ass-- never to be used. This kept me up at night. How could I use this fat and make a difference in the world? And then it came to me. I was lying in bed one night when I remembered the movie: Fight Club. I recalled how the main character made soap out of the fat from people that had liposuction done to them. Of course this seemed like a waste to me. What else could I use the fat for? This was pure energy? Have you guessed yet? That’s right I decided to make biodiesel out of it and run my Prius on it.

So I set about researching how to make biodiesel and after several months I was producing my own fuel and helping the environment. I did this for over a year and spent almost nothing on fuel—only the cost of processing it but then one of my secretaries found out what I was doing and reported me. The DA hauled me into court and now I sit in jail.

It seems that people don’t like me using their former ass, hip and stomach fat to fuel my car. These gluttons would rather toss out perfectly good energy--energy that they selfishly stored on their bodies while others in the world starved. Was what I did such a bad thing? If I’m driving around town using your former spare tire as fuel is that a crime? Please write the DA and ask him to free me. What I did I did for you…