Where is everyone?

Where is everyone today? Did the big bomb go off and nestled in my bunker making pot holders I didn't notice the ground shake? Great. If that's the case and you're all gone then I have no reason to go outside. Why risk the radiation burning a blow hole in my forehead? Luckily I have a bed frame I made out of canned tuna down here and the walls are lined with nearly 27,000 cans of Guinness (yes for just a day such as this). Or course it will be lonely down here without anyone to drink with but I will manage. It will hurt me to hear you screaming outside when you come round trying to get into my bunker but please understand there is only enough beer for one. Oh no, I just thought of something. Does anyone have a can opener? Damn. How long can a person survive on Guinness? I guess I'll find out...