A Thanksgiving Proposal

I propose that we do away with turkey at Thanksgiving and eat something more patriotic. I for one am tired of eating a bird whose face looks as if it had been pinched between the rollers on a conveyor belt and that bobs its head when it walks as if listening to the latest Usher CD. Tradition can be nice but it can also be boring and I for one am tired of turkeys. We Americans need to diversify, to pull up our red, white and blue underpants and forge headlong into the future. We need to do what George W. Washington…oh, wait that’s not right, it’s George W. Bush would do. Forgive me it’s so easy to get the two confused. There lives have been so similar. One thought it was too much of a lie to not to confess to chopping down a cherry tree the other, GOD BLESS HIM AND ONLY HIM, realized honesty was only a commodity to be bought and sold to the highest bidder. But, I’m getting a little off track. What I really want to do is make my proposal, my patriotic contribution to this great United States. Here it goes. In light of the recent “energy crisis” as sold to us by oil executives and their chums in the Whitehouse, I feel it prudent, no I find it an absolute necessity that we find alternative sources of fuel. No, don’t be silly we don’t want to run our cars on clean burning hydrogen or soybean oil. Yes, it would be good for the environment but what about all those starving Exxon and Mobil executives? If we switch to other sources of fuel how will they pay off the mortgage on their gold handled toilet plungers? No, that would be too cruel a fate. What I propose is that we drill for oil in Alaska. You will say that we will destroy the environment and kill of endangered species. Yes, well, that might be inevitable but if these species can’t buy stock what good are they? Yes, but fefore you start flipping out let me state my patriotic plan which we will incorporate the wonderful tradition of Thanksgiving.

As we rampage through Alaska drilling for oil, for the profit of these oil companies, we might as well arm the workers with guns and have them kill off the wildlife and replace the Thanksgiving turkey with endangered or threatened species. The animal lovers won’t be able to complain if there aren’t any animals there to protect can they? Right. So, this is what I will be serving at my house for Thanksgiving when the oil companies finally get their way and are able to hunt for endangered species and drill for oil in Alaska:

Blackened Short-tailed Albatross (endangered) with Aleutian Shield Fern (endangered) salad. A most delightful salad served with Humpback Whale (endangered) oil dressing.

Leatherback Sea turtle (endangered) soup. Dick Cheney’s own family recipe…

Aleutian Canada Goose wings (threatened) in buffalo sauce. I think George W. choked on one of these while watching a Longhorns game. Or was that a pretzel?

For the main course Steller Sea-lion. Be careful carrying this sucker to the table. It will probably take five or six full grown men.

So there you have it, my proposal. I will be a hero to millions of turkeys. When humans are gone they will build memorials to me and I will be known as the turkey man. God bless America. I am the turkey man listen to me gobble…