“Mr. Vancouver, I didn’t drink any Kool-Aid,” Billy says.
“I know that, Billy. You were outside with me. As for the rest of the class that did drink the Kool-Aid. I am very disappointed in you--”
“Mr. Vancouver,” Ginny says.
“Yes, Ginny, what is it?”
“You have a piece of pimp on your cheek…no, the other side…there you got it.”
I toss the piece of pimp that was stuck to my cheek in the wastebasket.
I slump down in my desk. “The world is better off without that pimp.”
“Yes, sir,” Peter says.
“No, not yes sir, Peter. You don’t have to agree with me. Tell me what you really think.”
“I think the best pimp is a dead pimp,” Peter says.
“That’s my boy,” I say.
“You won’t get away with this,” the cop says, pulling at his restraints.
His face is so red it looks like he’s been crouched over a cauldron of boiling water. I get up from my desk and remove my cheap suit coat. It’s a polyester/wool blend that the salesman said would protect me from inclimate weather just like a poncho.
“You don’t remember me do you?” I ask the cop.
“What in the Hell are you talking about you whacked out son-of-a-bitch?” the cop asks and grinds his teeth together so hard they squeak.
I walk towards the cop and stand directly in front of him; my nose but an inch or two from his. “You don’t remember ruining my life do you?”
“I didn’t ruin your life,” the cop says. He’s so angry that spit flies from his mouth and hits my forehead.
“He doesn’t remember ruining my life class. How can that be?” I say turning from him.
“You’re mistaking me for someone else,” the cop says.
“No, it was you. Do you think it was a coincidence that I captured you?” I say.
“But I was Carl’s backup. You killed him at the donut shop. What if I hadn’t ever shown up?”
“I didn’t kill Carl but that’s not the point. I know your schedule. I knew you were working today. Even if I had captured Carl do you think I wouldn’t have waited around for you? It’s you I wanted.”
“You’re a Goddamn nut job. What did I ever do to you?”
“Let me refresh your memory. Seven years ago. You and a certain blonde in an apartment over on
The cop’s head drops, his big chin bouncing off his chest next to his badge. “You had a beard then.”
“Yeah, I did. I also had a fiancée which you stole.”
The cop looks scared and it invigorates me. It feels like tiny tin soldiers are dancing merrily about in my empty heart.
The cop’s eyes dart left and then right. He looks scared, like a like a feral weasel trapped under a brandy snifter. “I’m sorry. I was young and dumb. I can make it up to you.”
“No, you can’t. You can’t make it up to me,” I say.
“So, everyone in here has done something to you?” the cop asks.
I nod.
“What did the pimp do to you?” Ginny asks.
“That pimp shot and killed my brother ten years ago. The only thing he did was stop at a 7-11 after his shift to buy cigarettes and that fucking pimp blew him away.”
Ginny stands and runs a hand through her blond hair. “I thought we were just going to observe these city dwellers and then release them. You didn’t tell us you were going to kill them.”
“Would you have gone along with me if I had told you what I was doing?” I ask.
“No,” Ginny says. “After we read A Country Bumpkins Guide to the City I thought these people deserved for us to look them over. They all seemed so nasty but they’re not, they’re just people.”
“Bad, dirty, filthy people,” I remind Ginny. “Peter, would you have stuck with me had I told you my true intentions?”
“Yes, sir,” Peter says.
“Me too,” Billy says.
“Very good, Billy. I must say I’m impressed with your transformation. How about the rest of the class? Who here would have helped me right the wrongs in my life had I told them the complete story?”
Roughly half the class raises their hands. I expected this and have made plans to deal with those that refuse to see the light.
“Peter, get the super glue, the sniper rifle, and one of my suites out of the closet.”
“Do you know that I am personal friends with the president of the
“Let him,” I say.
Rantorum starts to cry. “Dear God, you have a death wish.”
“I don’t know if I want to die but I don’t see any way around it now.”
“You’re a fucking sicko,” Rantorum cries.
“Billy, give Mr. Rantorum a glass of Kool-Aid,” I say. “All the talking has probably dried out his whistle.”
“I don’t want any of that fucking Kool-Aid,” Rantorum says.
“I don’t think I asked you if you did,” I say. “You’ll drink because I say you’ll drink.”
“Mr. Vancouver, I don’t feel so well,” Ginny says.
“How much of that Kool-Aid did you drink?” I ask.
“Three or four glasses,” Ginny says.
“Well, it’s no wonder you’re not feeling well.”
“Mr. Vancouver,” Peter says, “The police officer is in your suit and here’s the other stuff you asked for.”
I pat Peter on the head. “Good boy. Now, get the pot of Super Glue out of the closet and smear it all over the gun.”
Peter obeys and thoroughly drenches the gun in glue.
“Now, Mr. Policeman, hold the gun like you’re going to shoot it,” I say.
“Don’t hurt me,” the cop says.
“Just do as your told,” I say. The cop takes the gun in his handcuffed hands. “Finger on the trigger, chin on the stock…that’s it. Now glue his mouth shut.”
“What about his mustache?” Billy asks.
“You’re right, Billy. I nearly forgot,” I say. “There’s an electric razor on my desk and since you were astute enough to remember the mustache you may have the honor of cutting it.”
“That’s not fair,” Amber says.
“Life isn’t fair,” I say.
Peter looks extremely disappointed that he wasn’t asked to cut the cop’s mustache but I need to gain Billy’s complete confidence. He could be very useful to me.
“Mr. Vancouver,” a cop yells over the bullhorn. “We know that we shot the pimp and not you. We ask again for you to come out with your hands in the air.”
“All in good time,” I yell.
Billy hastily hacks at the cop’s mustache with the electric razor, cutting his lip in the process.
“Watch it you little fucker,” the cop says.
Billy takes the butt of the razor and hits the cop on the head. I didn’t think the boy possessed such balls. I figured the years of being picked on have toughened him considerably.
“Peter, tape the CD player to Mr. Policeman’s back. The duct tape is in the top drawer of my desk.”
It isn’t long before Peter has the CD player taped to the cop’s back. I chuckle. He looks so ridiculous with the gun glued to his arms.
“What are we learning here today class?” I ask.
“Don’t fuck with Mr. Vancouver?” Billy asks.
“You’re damn right. Billy, lead Mr. Policeman to the doors and when I say “
Peter obeys and obscenities start pouring out of the CD player.
“I’m going to kill you all you cocksucking mother fuckers,” my voice says coming from the CD player.
“Now, Billy,” I say.
Billy thrusts the doors open.
“Die mother fucker’s,” comes from the CD player in my voice.
The cop stands in the doorway, the gun super glued to his person in the firing position. Peter reaches out from the side of the door with the cattle prod and shocks him and the cop shoots forward out the door and onto the sidewalk.
“You’re all pigs,” comes from the CD player and then the shots begin.
The policemen outside gun down the cop who is dressed in my suit and holding the gun. They of course think its me gone mad. The doors swing shut and momentarily the shooting stops.
Most of the children in the class are sobbing uncontrollably. The hostages are struggling like crazy to break free.
“You’re bad, Mr. Vancouver,” Ginny says.
“History won’t see it that way,” I say. “Am I bad Billy?”
“No, sir, you’re my hero.”
“What about you, Peter?”
Peter nods but doesn’t say anything. He seems to be losing enthusiasm for our little game. Perhaps he’s jus tired.
“Mr. Vancouver?” Billy says.
“Yes, Billy, what is it?”
“I think Ginny is bad,” Billy says.
“I’m beginning to think that too, Billy. I’m beginning to think that too.”
7 comments:
i love a good revenge story. i love how this turned out.
mr. vancouver is my hero, too.
wow, this is taking some turns! who would have thought this was all a revenge plot?
awesome.
some great lines in this one. all in all another great installment. my eyes ate it up.
Thank you for making me smile.
All right! Who's leaving the bus next? There's no way to make Ginny look like Mr. Vancouver... is there?
I loved it (again).
wow.
this puts society (as we know it) to shame.
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