A Field trip part IV

“Here kids is the capital of our fair state. If you’ll notice the intricate statues adorning the lower levels of the dome you will see the scaffolding that is being used while they restore and clean portions of these state treasures,” I say.

“Mr. Vancouver, why are the naked?” Ginny asks.

“People have been naked for years, Ginny. Clothes are only a recent invention,” I say.

“Jesus wore clothes,” Ginny says.

“Part of the time, Ginny. Part of the time. He really only wore them for photo ops,” I say.

Ginny crosses her arms over her budding chest. “I never heard that before and I go to church all the time and besides they didn’t have cameras back then.”

“You’d be surprised what they had back then, Ginny.

“I don’t want to wear clothes Mr. Vancouver,” Billy says.

“Billy pull your pants up. No one wants to see the brown streaks on your tighty whities…Peter are we all set up inside?” I ask.

“Yes, sir operation “Bag a politician” is a go,” Peter says and salutes me.

“Did you hit that pimp with another tranquilizer dart?” I ask.

Peter looks disappointed. “Of course sir, he tried to take the Korean store owner’s Casio. I also gagged him with a sock and tied him tighter to the luggage rack of the bus.”

“Good man, Peter. Some day you’re going to make a fine mercenary. Who needs college when you are skilled in the finer arts of stealth and apprehension? Okay, kids follow me.”

We trudge up the many stairs in front of our state’s capital and I can’t help but feel just the slightest bit giddy. We are set to capture one of the slimiest creatures known to man, the politician.

Inside the door of the capital we have set up a wet bar which is will be used to ensnare the politician we hope to add to our collection of city dwellers and then examine at the lab back at school. In A Country Bumpkins Guide to the City I read that the most successful enticement for capturing a politician was booze. Second on the list is money and third is fast food.

“Mr. Vancouver, I want to be the bartender,” Billy says.

“Billy, don’t make me regret rescuing you from the basement of that crack house. Okay, kids take your positions. Here comes senator Rantorum.”

Senator Rantorum’s smile is so wide that I wonder how he got through the revolving doors. “Hi, there kids!” He glides across the marble floor, his blue suit clinging to him like some tropical swamp fungus.

“Ha ha, hi there, Senator Rantorum,” I say extending my hand.

Senator Rantorum grasps my hand. His hand is very warm and sweaty and it occurs to me that he might have been beating off just moments before. I quickly pull my hand away. “Mr. Vancouver, it’s very nice to meet you.”

“Senator Rantorum, I noticed a wet bar by the door. Perhaps you’d like a cocktail,” I say.

The senator looks over at the wet bar we’ve set up. Peter is mixing a martini.

“That’s strange,” Senator Rantorum says. “I don’t remember there every being a bar in here. I’m pretty sure that’s not legal.”

Inside I’m panicking. There’s something wrong. He was supposed to run right over to the bar and demand free booze.

“Surely one drink wouldn’t hurt,” I say.

“Mr. Vancouver, I don’t drink. I’m a very religious man and I don’t break the law for any reason,” Mr. Rantorum says.

Something inside me snaps...

“Why you self righteous bastard. You don’t break the law? What about that house you bought in Philadelphia and claimed was your primary residence so you wouldn’t have to pay for your children to go to school in Pennsylvania!” I say.

“Mr. Vancouver, you are out of line,” Senator Rantorum says.

“No, Mr. Rantorum you are out of line. Peter, its time to implement plan two,” I say.

Bwap! Bwap! Peter shoots Senator Rantorum and he drops to the ground. Quickly Peter wheels the wet bar over to where Senator Rantorum lies and we shove him inside and closes it.

“Mr. Vancouver?”

“What is it Ginny?

“Mr. Rantorum’s Bible fell out of his pocket when Peter shot him.”

“Well let that be a lesson to you, Ginny. Jesus doesn’t love liars,” I say.

“That’s not a Jesus saying,” Ginny says. “I go to Sunday school every week and—”

“Peter,” I say.

Bwap! Peter shoots a dart into Ginny’s chest and she drops to the ground. We quickly put her in the portable wet bar with Senator Rantorum.

“Okay, kids what have we learned here today at the state’s capital?” I ask.

“Mr. Vancouver?”

“What is it Philip?”

“Billy climbed up on the statues.”

I look up at the statues on the second floor. Billy is hanging from the penis of a statue that looks like a David rip-off.

“Billy, unhand that statue’s penis and get down here this minute,” I say.

“I can’t Mr. Vancouver. I’m stuck.”

“Peter,” I say.

Peter shoots but just as he does the penis of the statue breaks off and Billy falls down into the fountain below.

“I need four volunteers to fish Billy out of the fountain?” I say and hands shoot up. “Jack, Rob, Belinda and Mary. The rest of you out to the bus. We have to secure the senator to the luggage rack before we hit the road.”