“Hey kids, see that dickless wonder over there? Yeah, the one that just shoved that women into the purple Escalade? Well, according to my field guide: A Country Bumpkin's Guide to the City, which denotes the various species of city dwellers and their behaviors, he is a pimp. Pimp is derived from the Latin word leno. As in Impudens es leno which means You shameless pimp.”
“Sir, how do you get pimp from leno?”
“I don’t know Sally. Why don’t we go ask the pimp?”
“Yeah, yeah,” the children cry.
“But we must be careful when observing the pimp. Especially the girls, it says here in my guide that they are a violent and unpredictable breed, that at any opportunity they will recruit and enslave young girls and whore them out to make money.”
“Mr. Vancouver, what’s a whore?”
“Let me consult my guide, Amber…hmm, it says here that a whore is a woman that spreads her legs for money.”
“Can a man be a whore?” Billy asks.
“It says in my guide that men can indeed be whores. They are commonly called man whores. Now, lets go over and observe the pimp before he runs away.”
“He probably can’t run anywheres in those big shoes,” Jasper says.
“It says in my guide that the pimp is surprisingly agile despite his footwear. Now, come on lets observe a real live pimp.”
The children follow me up the Escalade and surround it in a half circle. I’m really hoping this is an actual pimp specimen. How embarrassing would it be if this guy was just a drug dealer? The children would never let me live it down. I’m supposed to be an expert in these areas.
“Uh, excuse me sir are you (I must consult my guide) a playa?”
The man I presume to be a pimp strokes his goatee. “Fo’ shizzle .”
I consult my guide. Hmm, it seems this means : for sure.
The whore the pimp is with becomes agitated, which in the field guide is said to be a likely scenario. “Hey what are you punk asses doing comin’ up in here. Botherin my man!”
“Peter, the tranquilizer gun,” I say.
Peter takes the tranquilizer gun from his backpack, loads it methodically and then BAM! BAM! He nails the pimp and the whore and they slump to the ground.
The children gasp due to the excitement.
“Excellent, shot, Peter…Ginny, don’t poke the pimp with a stick. He might not be fully unconscious yet. Okay, let’s load them up and take them back to the school where we can examine them,” I say.
“Mr. Vancouver, can I have the whore’s shoes? Ginny asks.
“Ginny, the whore’s shoes may look shiny and nice but they will only lead you down a path of destruction.”
“Are you speaking metaphorically, Mr. Vancouver?” Ginny asks.
“Chuuuch,” I say.
“What does that mean?” Ginny asks.
“According to my guide it means, absolutely. So, yes, absolutely I am speaking metaphorically. Now let’s load the pimp and the whore up on the luggage rack of the bus. We have many more specimens to collect before we go back to school,” I say.
7 comments:
excellent. why didn't i ever have field trips like this??
that. was. fantastic. hilarious.
that's all.
dude..
I once had a friend who had bad luck with a wild whore. His tranquilizer gun jammed and he ended up w/ scratches all over his back...poor bastard.
my heart is lying on the floor and i can't pick it up for stepping on it. that's how hard i laughed.
Brilliant. I wish you could come to Jersey City and document the specimens here. Tranquilizer guns wouldn't work though, the crack has made them immune.
more, I want more!
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