Observations in Miniature: People in the Gym II

If you see yourself amongst these people it might be time to change your gym habits.

Naked Guy – For God’s sake throw a towel over yourself when you’re in the locker room, it is not a nudist retreat. If you want to be naked in front of people do a Google search under “exhibitionist” and find a healthy alternative for your weird behavior. I don’t want to look up from tying my shoes to see your unit swaying in the breeze. You are the reason I spend only nano seconds in the locker room. Some men like to walk naked amongst other men and actually search out places where other men can be found naked. They are GAY and maybe you are too! And if you insist on sitting on the benches for God’s sake please put a towel down first or better yet put some fucking clothes on.

Mr. Upper Body –Evidently you bought your Arnold Schwarzenegger Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding at a fire sale and the section on legs was burned away because your lower extremities look like they belong to an anorexic nun. When the circumference of your biceps is equal to that of your thighs it might be time to give up some of the time you spend on power curls and do a few sets of squats. Of course this could make you sweat and disrupt that avant-garde gel creation that is holding your hair sculpture up but in the end you won’t look like you traded legs with Don Knotts and women won’t be laughing behind your out of proportion back.


Ms. Steroids- Is that a beard or are do you moonlight as a chimney sweep and forgot to wash the soot off your chin this morning? Here’s a clue women aren’t supposed to have beards or testosterone levels higher than a 340 lbs NFL lineman. That bulge in your pants that looks like a trouser weasel is your clitoris which has grown large enough from your anabolic adventures to be noticed from across the gym. Don’t you think it’s odd that they moved you to baritone in your church choir? The science experiment is complete, you proved you can turn yourself into a man, now get off the juice before you start to look even more like the Reverend Al Sharpton than you already do.

Mrs Mom and Mr. Dad – First and foremost the gym is not a playground for underprivileged children. Do not bring your kids to the gym and let them hang from the lat pulldown and swing like drunken acrobats. This is neither amusing nor original; monkeys have been doing it for millions of years. If you want people to see how cute your children are make them sit at the protein drink bar and memorize the Gettysburg Address. Then, after my workout, when I’m getting a protein drink I’ll listen intently to them quote Abraham Lincoln. Otherwise lock them in your minivan or leave them at home locked in a closet but don’t bring them to the gym.

Neurotic talking guy – When I’m in the middle of a set of squats and the veins are popping out of my forehead don’t tell me about how you had to take your cat to the vet last night because it wouldn’t eat for a week. First off I hate cats and second of all I DON”T CARE! I’m sure what you have to say would be interesting to someone that has been stranded on a deserted island for thirty years and is starved for conversation of any type but I’m not that person. You’ve stretched my 45 minute workout into an hour and a half because you can’t keep your pie hole shut. I have a solution to your verbal diarrhea. Go see a therapist. You pay this person to listen to your boring stories and then they actually say something back to you which in case you haven't noticed is how a conversation is carried out!

Mr. Gear – Do you really need a Nike backpack with a thirty piece endurance silverware set to complete your wimpy circuit training? Do you really think a four hundred dollar pair of suction cup sneakers is going to help you dunk a basketball? Is that two hundred dollar silk Adidas sweat shirt with Pele’s name stitched in gold on the back going to get you the hot chick in spandex doing the Butt Blaster? Are you even listening to that $600 dollar Ipod strapped to your arm or are you just pretending to listen to it and are really trying hear if anyone is talking about how cool you look? If you answered no to all these above questions you are well on your way to recovery. If you answered yes to even one of these questions then you have serious gear issues and need to refocus your energies on your physique, particularly that big roll around your midsection and your third chin because when those hand stitched Terrell Owens Body Armour underwear come off you’ll have only your original gear for women to focus on and by the looks of you they will be sorely dissapointed.


Treadmill foot smacker – okay jackass quit fucking smacking your feet when you’re running on the treadmill. It is perhaps the most annoying sound I’ve ever heard in my life and you’re treading dangerously close to me grabbing you by your thin runner’s neck and snapping it. We all see you’re using perfect form and that you’re throwing your long legs out like a giraffe and hoisting your elbows up properly like a Nazi storm trooper. Now, slow the fuck down like a normal human being and quit making a spectacle of yourself. We all know you were some big shot in cross country running once upon a time but those days are over and no matter how good your form is you can't run back to them.

Full Body Spandex Guy – Please tell me you have underwear on under that Spandex body suit. Are you friends with naked locker room guy? Does walking around in nothing but a form fitting swatch of spandex make you feel closer to nature? I have an idea. Why don’t you and naked locker room guy come to the gym at 4:00 AM. No one is in the gym at that time so you will probably be able to work out naked and no one will know. Just make sure you put down a towel before you sit on the fucking equipment.