Observations in Miniature: People in the Gym

If you see yourself amongst these people it might be time to change your gym habits.


-Mr. Glory Days – The glory days are over. Take off your high school football jersey; it only fits as a belly shirt now anyway. We know that once a couple of centuries ago you made all conference at tackle in high school and all twelve of the girls in your senior class swooned whenever you walked into a room. Now, you’re just the fat balding guy with the high blood pressure that turns lobster red trying to bench press the same weight as the twenty-five year old “punk” on the bench next to you. You couldn’t still “suit up” and kick the ass of the kids playing “ball” today. Get on the treadmill and cut down on the carbs (beer) you don’t need the bulk anymore. It’s over. Let it go. Slide into old age with some dignity.

-Mr. 70’s running short guy – The seventies are over so please stop wearing those damn nylon running shorts that show half your ass, the ones that aren’t made with enough material to make an eye patch for a squirrel. No one is impressed by your skeletal runner’s physique. Start eating carbs, a lot of them and for God’s sake stop doing exercises that cause you to bend over. And on a side note please shave that tuft off chest hair off that sticks out of the collar of your Adidas tank top.

-Circuit Yoga lady – Get the fuck out of the lotus position and off the bench I want to use. My testosterone levels are peaking I didn’t come to the gym to attend a sit in. There is a time and place to be laid back and it’s not on the machine I want to use that you’ve been hogging up for the last half hour. You might also want to get some conditioner for your frizzy red hair and pick the burrs out that have been stuck there since Woodstock.


-The Screamer – Did you just see the headless horseman or are you trying to workout? Quit screaming! A twenty pound barbell curl shouldn’t illicit the same screams that a birthing mother would make. A little grunt is okay and sometimes unavoidable but if you really want to get noticed this isn’t the way to do it. What you need to do is remain quite and reserve all the energy you waste during a workout screaming and use this energy store to lift more weight. You’ll get bigger and stronger and women will notice you for the right reasons, because you’ve transformed yourself, not because you’re screaming like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.


-Ms. Aerobics freak – How long are you going to stay on the stair stepper? You were on it two days ago when I left and I can see by sweat stain in the carpet surrounding you that you haven’t been off of it yet. The gym is not your home. It is a place to go and workout. There is life outside the gym. Go find it. Live a little. Eat a French fry. Get really wild and eat two French fries. You’re not going to one day slide exhausted off the end of the treadmill and into the arms of Mr. Right. He’s left the gym and is at a bar buying the chunky girl with a life a drink.

-Mr. Sweaty – If you smell like a Bermuda onion and you look like you’ve been swimming with your clothes on at the end of your workout please carry a beach towel and a spray bottle of disinfectant spray around with you when using the different machines. There’s nothing worse than sitting on a bench and sliding off of it because someone with overactive apocrine glands doesn’t think it’s his responsibility to wipe up the sweat he’s streaked all over it.


-Mr. Steroids - Are steroids really going to help you become a better auto mechanic? You’re not a professional athlete. Why do you need to take drugs? Is your ego really that small or is it your penis? No, not everyone is giving you dirty looks or thinks they can beat you up, that’s just the extra testosterone talking so don’t freak out when you look in the mirror and see someone across the room that is laughing. And a note on clothing, a skull and cross bones bandana wrapped around your head, yellow bodybuilder sweat pants with flowers on them, and a tank top that says “Kill” on it is not formal wear. You look like a reject from the Pirates of Penzance musical. Go off the juice and take care of your heart before it explodes.

-Hot Spandex Lady – If you don’t want guys to stare out you, which obviously you don’t because you give them the look of death every time they even casually glance in your direction, then wear something less revealing than the rubber band and two peanut shell aerobics outfit you wear every time you come to the gym. What is your game hot spandex lady? I just don’t get it but I’d like to.