Observations in Miniature

What’s up with the girlfriends of guys in sports bars wearing bulky football jerseys? Is this just a Pennsyltucky thing? Its not exactly the most attractive get up I’ve ever seen. I don’t know anyone that harbors fantasies about women in Raiders jerseys and stone washed jeans seductively eating hot wings off the counter top of a bar. Yes, I’m sure somewhere there is a website dedicated to such a fetish but it can’t be considered universally appealing like lingerie or mini skirts. It’s just weird.

Ever check out the personal ads on those dating sites? Dancing and horse riding seem to be the two leisure activities most favored by women in these profiles and I can’t think of any two activities I would like to do less. If I dated a woman that listed dancing and horse riding as her primary leisure activities I might suggest killing two birds with one stone and buying a dancing horse so that she could go out in the woods on the weekends with her galloping friend, ride the trails and then dance in the clearings. Don’t laugh; I’ve seen dancing horses at the circus. They can move. A boom box could be tied around the animal’s neck to provide the desired tunes. Of course I would be off golfing while this went on...

Speaking of circuses…. I’m watching my brother’s two French Bulldogs for a year until he buys a house. He lives in an apartment that won’t allow pets. Coupled with my two Chihuahuas my home has been transformed into a dog circus; Dogs hopping over dogs, dogs leaping from chair to chair, dogs sliding across the wood floors and crashing into more dogs. In the center of this raucous canine mix I try to read Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut, the words not sticking with me so I have to read and reread. I pause. Somewhere in the distance I think I hear circus music. The big male bulldog leaps off the top of the couch legs sticking straight out so he looks like a mutated Superman (minus the cape). He lands on my crotch. My book flies up into the air and lands on the ground with a thud, which starts the other dogs barking. “By God you fool,” I cry jumping to my feet, my hands cupping my testicles. All the dogs are barking now and nothing I do will stop the show so I sink back down into the couch, realizing it’s just another day in the dog circus.