You don't know me.  You will never know me.  I'm not bragging.  I'm just saying.  You will never know the best side of me because I have yet to reveal it.  I'm waiting for the right moment.  The clock is ticking... 

As I try to conjure words to put on the page my mind comes unhinged and the once loyal letters spill onto the floor. They lay menancingly in a jagged heap. No amount of conjoling or threatening will lift them and as I stare they melt and shift and take shape and then realization hits me hard. It is you staring back at me. The murderer of my words. The princess of my sordid fairy tale...

You won't change me. They won't change me. None of you will change me. I won't be drug down and trampled--spit upon by the howling crowd. I will spit back and aim for the eyes. I will throw fists and profanity and everything within my power until I breathe my last breath but you will never change me. I will never be you. Fuck you and your weak ways.

The pedestal you placed yourself on grows weak. It leans and creaks and the cheap wood base cracks. You shimmy to the side and manage to keep it from toppling completely. How long before you fall? How long before you come back to earth? How long before you come down to my level again?

We all fuck up sometimes. Emotions get the best of us and we say and do things that aren't indicative of who we really are. I try to make amends but sometimes things can't be fixed. The best I can do is say I'm sorry. I have to live with my bad decisions but don't have to live without regret. Life moves on whether we want it to or not and I can't let myself be left in the past. There is a future out there and it isn't slowing down for any of us. I chose to move forward and learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them...

I am still here. Where I've been all along. I never moved. You just stopped seeing me.

I'm sorry I can't care less. I'm not built like that. I will be there though. I will fight for you until the very end. I am a warrior. I will go to battle for you without fear of death. You would want me by your side when everything goes bad...

I am the bad guy with the skinny black mustache. I twirl the ends and sneer and laugh with evil. My eyes have no sight only black depth and where my heart once was there is now a diesel engine that makes a horrible hollow sound.

I am what you want me to be...

She is sad and it breaks my heart because I know there's nothing I can do. I can't get into her mind and rewire it. I can't erase the things that happened. I can't lover her enough. The only thing I can do is wait for her until the clouds pass...

Cocaine flame in my bloodstream
Sold my coat when I hit Spokane
Bought myself a hard pack of cigarettes in the early morning rain
Lately my hands they don't feel like mine
My eyes been stung with dust and blind
Held you in my arms one time
Lost you just the same
Jolene
I ain't about to go straight
It's too late
I found myself face down in a ditch
Booze in my hair
Blood in my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me
In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means
Jolene
Been so long since I seen your face
Or felt a part of this human race
I've been living out of this here suitcase for way too long
A man needs something he can hold onto
A nine pound hammer or a woman like you
Either one of them things will do
Jolene
I ain't about to go straight
It's too late
I found myself face down in a ditch
Booze in my hair
Blood on my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me
In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means
Jolene
Jolene
Jolene

Words to Jolene by Ray LaMontagne

The capacity for intellectual curiosity eludes you. How can that be? There are no simple answers. There are only hard questions. I cannot except how you skim over life like a thrown rock skips across the surface of a lake. Life isn't that fucking simple...

I love too hard and this place is too cold so I'm leaving and I want to say goodbye. It's been a long time coming and it needs to be done. I'll take you along in my heart and when I'm sitting on the beach and the sun goes down I'll have you with me. I need the warmth of a new place...

I should have never come back. Now, I regret it more than anything in my life. Where would I be now if I hadn't been forced to return? This wasn't my plan. My dreams have all fallen to the side and basically I'm just waiting to die here. What a fucking waste.

William Shakespeare - To be, or not to be (from Hamlet 3/1)

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

Sometimes the broken can't be fixed. Sometimes the done can't be undone. Sometimes it is too late to ever go back home again...

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Thank-you my friend of over 25 years. You are a scholar and a gentleman, a conisseour of fine wine and a lover of beautiful women, but wait that's not all...ha ha

Ugh,okay, I don't know how many times I have to explain this but here we go again. The things I write on here are not about any particular person nor do they reflect how I feel all the time. I try to write on here in an uncensored fashion. I just let things come out as I write. Maybe I am letting some feelings I have come out at the moment and then 10 minutes later I may feel totally different. So, enough of the E-mails saying what I write is about YOU. It isn't. It's nobody...

She smiles and I am transported to that golden place in my head. The cold outside goes away and the past evaporates. There is nothing but that moment forever...

I gauge my life by the depth of the relationships I share with others. I want to love. Meeting up with an acquaintance for a drink can be fun but it isn't living. It is a cheap substitute for something more substantial. So I continue to search for the depth only true friendship and love can bring.

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It has been a good Christmas. I am happy and content. I need for nothing and there isn't anything I really want. Seeing other people smile is like a drug and when you mix it with booze you are riding high.