I don't know what I've done in this lifetime but it must have been something awful. I finally found someone I really liked, someone I thought liked me and then she broke up with me. I'm left alone and depressed. Tell me, what did I do to deserve this?

I can't eat. You can't tell but inside I am dying. It is a well kept secret that is no longer a secret. I'd rather not wake up.

I blew my nose in the shower this morning and it started to bleed. The blood wouldn't stop. It just kept running down my face. I didn't try to stop it. I watched as it soaked into my pubic hair and then onto my legs and then onto the bottom of the tub. There was blood everywhere and I didn't care...

I just want to sleep with my dogs by my side. I don't think I will wake up. The world hurts too much. In my dreams I can see you and I don't have to face the reality of a cold morning without you...

If your lucky someone comes into your life and suddenly your not looking through a dirty windshield. Suddenly everything is clear and beautiful like you just went through a carwash for your soul.

Last night at about three AM I awoke to my Chihuahua Burma standing in front of my face dancing around--he wanted to go out. I reluctantly crawled out of my warm bed and sent them out into the frigid night air.

After about 30 seconds Uma came scratching at the door. I let her in and called for Burma. He came but stopped at the bottom of the steps.

"Come on big guy," I said.

Nothing.

"Come on Burma, it's cold."

Nothing.

"How about a treat?

Nothing.

So, I ran outside in my underwear. At that very moment Burma heard something and darted off.

"Damn it, Burma get back here."

I was running around barefoot in my underwear and it couldn't have been more than twenty degrees. After about 30 seconds I corralled Burma, picked him up and brought him inside.

When I put him down on the warm kitchen floor he danced as if he was going to get a treat. I think I was suffering from hypothermia but he was so damn cute. I had to give him a treat...

My heart is a piñata filled with blood. Why you would want to beat it with a club I don’t know. Maybe you’re just fucked up or maybe you like to feel the blood run through your spread fingers…

A hot cup of coffee and my Chihuahuas tucked in my sweatshirt as I write--it's a damn good way to start the day. I don't get to do this often anymore and I miss it. Inside me the writer wants to, no needs to be heard but he has been surpressed. There is much yet to be written. The writter is not dead. He is born again...

You're not alone.
I'm with you.
I'm lonely too.
What's that song?
Can't be sung by two.
A broken home, a broken heart.
Isolated and afraid.
Open up this is a raid.
I'm gonna get it it through to you.
You're not alone.


From -You're Not Alone - by Mavis Staples

The blood from a wounded heart is the perfect ink for prose.

When I am alone I am not lonely. When I am with someone and they are not there the loneliness creeps into my head and festers there...

I am a robot, thank-you, yes I am--a machine incapable of emotion. I think I was once human. Somewhere buried deep in my circuitry are the remnants of my human remains--charred and unidentifiable. Artificial blood surges through the plastic tubing that runs under my synthetic skin. My tears are a clever combination of French fry salt and a petroleum based lubricant. I have no need for tears other than to moisten my glass eyes—all the better see you with him my dear. Yes, I can see others interact—love—and the concept is foreign to me, like raking leaves with a garden hose. My unemotional and rational mind cannot make the connection so don’t worry about me. I can’t feel a damn thing. I am a robot, thank-you, yes I am--a machine incapable of emotion.

Thirty-two pounds. Thirty-seven pounds. Forty-two pounds. Forty-six pounds. We weighed you in the basement on the scale that I now have at the gym. I see it every day. I weigh myself on it at least five times a week and I just remembered that you stood on that scale many times but you never will again.

One hundred and eighty five pounds. One hundred and forty-eight pounds. One hundred and two pounds. Fifty-eight pounds. Twenty-six pounds. Zero pounds. We won’t be weighing you on the way down, kid. I’m sorry. I would have kept weighing you if I knew you were going to do this. If I thought it would have prevented this…

Remember how Goldie would play games with you while your dad and I were in the basement? She will be there tomorrow. I will be there tomorrow and it won’t mean a good goddamn. You’ll be there but you won’t be there. You’ll be in the basement on that scale, in my mind, in my heart, forever. So long kid…

Something. Nothing. Everything. I'm not sure which but I will let you know when I figure it out.

More problems at the gym. Some roided up felon punk refused to check in this morning. He started the old you don't know who I am bullshit when the desk attendant asked him to check in. He then threatened to beat up Bill the desk attendant. Now, Bill is big, a former Mr. Pennslyvania, Marine and cop. I will write more on this later...

You are a toad; a rough and dry creature. Skin cracking smiles spread slowly like novicaine under the bulges of your eyes. Your quick tongue darts after a fly--the fly of a former stripper lying in the weeds next to your hole. She's dead you nasty little Vander Sloot. Nothing but memories and maggots oozing from her mouth. Toads love maggots and have no attachment to memories...

I was working out around 4 PM this afternoon and I might add I was having one hell of a good workout. My body is responding like crazy to the reintroduction of carbohydrates in my diet. Body fat is still low and my weights are going up very quickly. Anyway, I had just finished some cambered bar bench presses and was gettting ready to do some seated log presses. I was walking back to the power rack and stumbled upon two muscle heads throwing words back and forth.

I said, "Come on break it up," and just as I did this the older of the two shoved the younger guy. My guess was the older guy was in his thirties and the younger guy was 18. I wedged myself inbetween them and said, "All right lets calm down." They were both mouthing back and forth and I could tell neither of them really wanted to get into it. They backed up from each other and continued to mouth back and forth. The scene was ridiculous and I found myself almost laughing.

After some conjoling and light pushing I finally got them apart from each other and then went back and set up my log press. When I was ready for my top set I went out front to get one of the desk workers to give me as spot and sure enough the two meat heads were back at it. I stepped inbetween them and said, "Come on guys this isn't the time or place. Everyone is staring at you." After some convincing I got them apart and the older guy left the gym. The younger guy called his dad on his cell phone which I thought was hilarious.

When he was done talking to his daddy I said, "Man it's nothing. Who cares? There's more important things in life to worry about." The younger guy said, "Yeah, but he pushed me." I said, "Let it go. It's not worth it. Trust me."

He continued to rant and rave and I finally convinced him how stupid the whole thing was. He thanked me and went back to his lifting and I went back to my log press. The important part of this story is that I got 5 more reps with twenty more pounds than I did last week on the log press. Thanks for getting my andrenaline going guys.

The the older guy came back to the gym later in the evening and apologized to me. I told him not to worry about it. I really didn't give a shit. It had nothing to do with me. I should have thanked him though for helping me drastically improve my lift from last week. I owe those guys...

I don't know why but I've been dreaming about you. The last two nights you crept back inside my head. I haven't even seen you in years but you were so real. Why have you come back to me now? I think you owe me an explanation. You can't just come waltzing back into my life like this. It hurts too goddamn much...

Getting ready for this bodybuilding contest on May 22 is the hardest thing I've done in my life. I get up at 5 AM and then go to the gym and do two hours and twenty minutes of cardio every morning. Then I have clients. I then go home and take a nap. Come back and lift four days a week and then have clients in the afternoon and night. I don't get out of the gym until 9. Yes, this includes weekends, although I usually get out of the gym by six on weekends. Oh, I also have to tan, which I hate and practice posing five times a week. To top it off I have insomnia so I am always tired. I can't wait to eat again!

I've been very busy. Three and a half weeks ago I decided to start personal training full-time. Coupled with the fact that I'm getting ready for my first bodybuilding contest in May I've had zero time to do anything else. I'm going to try to write on the blog more as things settle down.