I went out with someone new. She didn’t believe me when I told her I once that I caught a fly with chopsticks like Mr. Myagi from the Karate Kid move. This is the truth. Maybe the fly was one of those flat lazy turd eaters but I caught him fair and square.

Anyway, she turned out to be very sarcastic (which I liked) and wouldn’t let me pay for the bill. She insisted we split it and told me she doesn’t want anyone to take care of her. She asked me if I had a problem with that and I said, “Hell no.”

She told me she never gets embarrassed but when I put in my fake hillbilly teeth (I always carry them in my pocket) and hung on her arm like I was mentally challenged she nearly had a heart attack. She then admitted that maybe she does get embarrassed. I have that affect on people. I’m not supposed to wear the teeth anymore when we go out.

We went to Benihana and the habatchi chef got very irritated with me because I didn't have my plate up against the grill on several occasions. He sucked anyway. He couldn't catch the baby corn in his hat when he flipped it up. What a grump...we had fun anyway.

I learned last night of another guy that was busted for steroids at our gym. He is a short guy with a strange barrel shaped stomach. You can see his abs but he looks like he has enlarged organs or something. He has a terrible physique. Evidently he was the snitch that took down the latest group of steroid dealers. I will call him Bob. One of the guys that got busted wondered why Bob didn’t get busted like everyone else since he was in the thick of the dealing. Hmm, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The reason Bob didn’t get busted is because he was working with the COPS! You were set up. There I said it. Geez, no wonder they got busted.

It just amazes me that this guy was on steroids too. These people aren’t big and they aren’t strong. These people want a shortcut and there isn’t one. Sure, you can get bigger and stronger on steroids than you could if you never took them but you still have to eat right, train right, etc., to see results. These people must have the shittiest diets imaginable and I know they don’t know what they are doing in the gym because I see them working out all the time.

I’d be seriously depressed if I looked like these guys and I was on steroids. I’m stronger by a long shot than any of these people that were busted and bigger too. Hard work and discipline is the only way to make gains even if you are taking steroids.

-I was training one of my clients at the gym last night and he said to me, “That guy on the treadmill over there keeps giving you the stink eye.” I looked up and saw who he was referring to. He was a dumpy bastard with man titties and a toucan nose and I knew why he was giving me the stink eye.

Several weeks earlier I was on a treadmill walking. I was on the far end of the treadmills and I kept looking to my left to see if my client had come in yet. There was a woman on the other end of the treadmills and I kept looking around her to see the desk and entrance.

After a while the guy with the man titties and toucan nose got on the treadmill beside her. I kept looking towards the front desk every once in a while and then I noticed them both glaring at me. And then it dawned on me that this woman thought I had been looking at her! How egotistical is that? Geez. Well, I got a little pissed and made some angry faces.

So last night this guy is giving me the laser stink eye. I look towards him with double laser stink eye and he quickly looks away. The rest of the night I give him the stink eye and he immediately looks away and turns his back to me. Not so tough now are we Mr. toucan nose?

Funny Demotivational Posters

Funny Demotivational Posters

These colored lights blink through the frosted glass and I tilt it back looking for oblivion. I imagine a tree in the corner with nothing underneath it except dust. This life a bust, this soul about to rust as another year drops with the last gulp. The snow falls and children scream outside and I remember when I had dreams that I know now will never come true. This blackness turns to blue and the white night is counted hour by hour, can by empty can. It is the eve of something…

This slow suicide, the curse I can’t reverse. What I’ve done is done and what I do is screwed. The battle within this skin, the covering that is smothering that last of my humanness. I want to peel it off, bleed out onto your rug. My DNA embedded in the very fibers you step on time and time again.

Muggsy made me aware of this site. I would recommend everyone go here. Alien abduction is no laughing matter. Stop Alien Abductions

Hmm, I just realized last night that this woman that has been text messaging me isn’t who I thought it was. She’s been sending me texts quite a bit and I asked her if she was working out at the gym with her friend anymore. She replied with “What friend?” And then it hit me. I have no fucking idea who this is. Eventually I figured it out it was another woman I trained at the gym but talk about weird.

She sends text messages one right after another before I have a chance to answer. I don’t want to be mean but damn I don’t want to text message anyone that much. I am not interested in this woman and am interested in someone else and we are going out Saturday night! Maybe I should just stop answering any of her text messages. Yeah, that sounds just about right…

Wow, take a look at these tattoos. Do these people realize that tattoos are permanent? These are some of the most hideous and idiotic creations I have ever seen. It shows you just how many stupid people we live amongst. Scary...

http://ugliesttattoos.com

Can anyone explain to me what the debate over medical marijuana is about? I mean what sadistic fuck wouldn’t want sick people to get relief from their illness if smoking marijuana helps them? The pharmaceutical companies obviously don’t want the competition. They want you to take one of their drugs and make money. I don’t agree with this but at least I know where they’re coming from. What I don’t understand is your average citizen being so vehemently opposed to medical marijuana. These same people will take drugs made by the drug companies and don’t care if other people take drugs from drug companies but they don’t want others to smoke pot to help an illness? Really? Any reason that they would come up with would only show me their lack of empathy for their fellow human beings. God forbid one of them gets sick. I bet if those people were dying of cancer they’d be hitting that morphine button pretty damn often.

Wow this skin is good. It tastes like KFC...

Luch mistakes an avacado for an orange

Her beauty is hard to put into words so maybe I shouldn’t even try. Fuck it. When you get drunk, if you drink, have you ever gone into the bathroom and taken a piss and as you wash your hands you look in the mirror. You feel the warmth of the alcohol taking over your body and you realize your drunk and you can’t help but smile. That’s how I feel when I look at her. Yeah, that's just about right...

Wanted: A Muse

I will be taking applications for a muse starting today. Prospective muses must send photos accompanied with resumes. No prior experience is needed to fill this position. It is a full time position with benefits…if you know what I mean.

So, let me get this straight. On the TV show "Extreme Makeover" the people who get their dream home have to pay a mortgage on the house? I thought they were giving these people those houses. What a handy way for Sears to make a profit. They probably provide the loans too. I know some of the mortgages are paid for but come on how slimy is that?

I just read about one family who are about to have their Extreme Makeover home put up for auction. The reason? They can't keep up with the mortgage. The father, who makes eleven dollars an hour, was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He makes just enough not to receive Medicaid assistance and he can't afford insurance. Doctors refuse to operate on him because they are afraid they won't get paid.

I see a lot wrong with this story. It would be nice for a doctor with a heart to give this guy the operation he needs. This is exactly why we need health care reform. Oh, and he probably can't get insurance anyway because he has diabetes which is considered a pre-existing condition.

The Extreme Makeover show leads people to believe these people are getting free homes. How many people thought that this is how the show worked? I don't watch it much but this is how I thought it worked. These bastards need to pay for this guy's operation as well as his mortgage for being deceitful scum...

Well, I read in the news this morning that someone has now seen Jesus burned onto the bottom of their iron. I thought we went over this. If Jesus existed we certainly don't know what he looked like so how could you see him on anything? Again this "Jesus sighting" barely looks like anything but I'll play along. If it looks like anyone it looks like John Lennon. Maybe if I hit this idiot over the head with the iron he would see John Lennon a little more clearly...

I am not well—this deadly trail that only the hellhounds can smell. They are hot on my tail as I transverse the boundaries you have set—friend. I languish in this lonely place--the space between my fears. A cheap seat and at my feet the dry tears of a thousand drunken nights missing you. The show of all shows and I can’t even see the fiery stage from here. I wonder if you can see me from down there or if you’re too busy sharpening your horns to look…

I can’t connect. The wreck--what my life has become. I stray into the gray that matters. In tatters, my lost soul flounders as I attempt another day. I don’t know how to get through so I wing it, attempt after failed attempt. Is it so obvious to everyone but me what I should be? Say something, say anything. Give me a guide--a muse in leopard print lingerie. Show me how to be, baby. I’m losing my grip and the bottom is all I can see…

She couldn’t reconcile what I looked like on the outside with who I was on the inside--same story different narrator. I guess I looked like I was supposed to smack her around a bit, draw blood, and turn over tables. She thought my fists would do the talking, not words that came delicately from my fingers. When I kissed her she never quite believed I wasn’t about to punch her in the gut and she told me so as she pushed me away. I called her and the number she gave me had been disconnected. A few years later I heard she had gone to the hospital after her lawyer husband had knocked her teeth out after a night of smoking meth…

Your right I’m wrong. I’m going. I’m gone. Now you see me now you don’t. I will be somewhere else in my mind. A place you will never find. Look while you are high. Look while you are low. Keep looking baby. I’ve got a .38 to my temple …