Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Mr. Peanut I
I was recently on Facebook and I saw these pictures on one of my friend's profiles. The dog in the Mr. Peanut suit is Trapper. His owner is Jenn Bender. I had to show everyone this creative getup. How cute is that?
So, after much thought I’ve started another rewrite of my Burma Ludlow novel. I had originally used different voices throughout the book but in this version I will stick with just Burma’s voice. It will work better this way. Trust me. My goal is still to have this done sometime in the spring and send it to my editor. I just hope he can get to it soon. I don’t want to have to wait but of course this might be the case.
Here are two of my Burma Ludlow stories that are on Thuglit.com.
One Night
Private Craps Shooter at Dawn
One Night
Private Craps Shooter at Dawn
Monday, November 09, 2009
The rain was cold and had soaked through my clothes but I was too scared to move from inside the thick bushes. I started to shiver and all I could think about was warmth. There was only one place I could go and be safe and before I knew completely what had happened I realized I was running. Down the side of the busy road I ran, the cars splashing me as they whizzed by. The cold rain stung as it hit my face and my wet clothes rubbed my skin raw but I continued to run. People driving by looked at me. I’m sure they wondered what a kid was doing out this late in such a bad storm.
I took my pocket knife out of my pocket and held it in my palm in case a weirdo tried to stop and attack me. Up ahead I saw the lights of the convenience store and I ran even harder. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was following me. There was six inches of water sitting in the parking lot but it didn’t slow me down. I didn’t stop running until I hit the brick wall next to the pay phone.
I pulled the change from my pocket and put a quarter in the pay phone and dialed. “Please be home, grandma,” I said, trying to catch my breath. The phone rang and rang but she didn’t answer. She wasn’t home. I sat on the curb for what seemed like hours and then decided to walk to her house. It would take the whole night and I would have to go through bad neighborhoods but I couldn’t stay there.
The rain had stopped by the time I started walking. There were hardly any cars on the road now. I walked and walked until the sky turned red. I turned and a cop told me to stand still.
I took my pocket knife out of my pocket and held it in my palm in case a weirdo tried to stop and attack me. Up ahead I saw the lights of the convenience store and I ran even harder. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was following me. There was six inches of water sitting in the parking lot but it didn’t slow me down. I didn’t stop running until I hit the brick wall next to the pay phone.
I pulled the change from my pocket and put a quarter in the pay phone and dialed. “Please be home, grandma,” I said, trying to catch my breath. The phone rang and rang but she didn’t answer. She wasn’t home. I sat on the curb for what seemed like hours and then decided to walk to her house. It would take the whole night and I would have to go through bad neighborhoods but I couldn’t stay there.
The rain had stopped by the time I started walking. There were hardly any cars on the road now. I walked and walked until the sky turned red. I turned and a cop told me to stand still.
Dear Governor Rendell,
I received the correspondence from your secretary dated November 5, 2009. I assume it met your approval since I found a hamburger grease finger print stain on the stationary which I had a friend at the FBI run and it turned out to be yours. The signature was stamped so I would have had to otherwise question the authenticity of said document.
Pertaining to your comments on our beloved Phillies: Yes, it’s a damn shame the Phillies lost the World Series to the most despicable organization in professional sports, the New York Yankees. To even the playing field I suggest you go ahead and sell the Turnpike to the Swiss or whoever the hell wanted the damn thing and use the proceeds to buy up every baseball player in MLB with a batting average over .290 or has an ERA below 3.00. Then we can have 27 World Series Championship banners hanging in Citizens Bank Park. I also think it would be prudent for you to know that Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes as reported by many sleazy magazines. Google it, you’ll find it to be true. Yes, he is the smug little jackass we all think he is. At any rate, think on this subject and let me know if I can help the Phillies in any way for the 2010 season. Oh, and if you need anyone to interview ball girls my partner Muggsy and I are up for the job.
Now, to the business at hand, my partner and I question the free service clause you suggested for the current and future governors at brothels if they were to become legal. Now, I would have no problem allowing this opportunity for you. Hell, I would let you screw the women on a mattress made of cheese steaks and I would provide the cheese steaks. No, what I am concerned with is who might replace you as governor. What if it were a Republican? As we all know the higher echelons of the party are largely comprised of sexual deviates in denial. It is not uncommon to find one of these bastard homophobes being caught trying to suck the pecker of an undercover cop in a McDonald’s bathroom and afterward claiming they slipped in a puddle of urine and merely fell towards the cop’s night stick. Inevitably this bastard will be the leader of some anti-gay organization. They hate women! If you force one of them to come to our brothel we could have a real mess on our hands. I assume you’ve heard of Jack the Ripper? You don’t think he was a self-hating homosexual? Who knows what they would do to a beautiful woman when deep down in their closeted souls they really want to be with a man? The possibilities are too frightening for me to get a grip on completely.
I know you once compared prostitution to contract killing but we both know you said that because it was the politically correct thing to do. I have no problem with that as I know you have to appear squeaky clean to get into office. In the tabloids they have linked you to the prostitute Elliot Spitzer had been using. Again, none of my business but this shows me we can work together.
What would you suggest? I think we include the clause for you but have it run out at the end of your term. How does that sound? There’s nothing wrong with being gay but hiding it can cause all sorts of problems. I think we need to put together a think tank for this issue to come up with the best possible solution. Please get back to me as soon as possible on this matter. Muggsy and I will be at the Bunny Ranch this weekend but you can shoot me an E-mail. Thank-you for your time my old friend.
Yours truly,
Kerouacked
P.S. We should also work to eliminate the DH. It gives the American League an unfair advantage in inter-league play. Also, let’s work to do away with the winner of that stupid Allstar game getting home field advantage in the World Series. Use your influence Big Ed. I know you can do it. Again anything I can do to help even the playing field I will do.
I received the correspondence from your secretary dated November 5, 2009. I assume it met your approval since I found a hamburger grease finger print stain on the stationary which I had a friend at the FBI run and it turned out to be yours. The signature was stamped so I would have had to otherwise question the authenticity of said document.
Pertaining to your comments on our beloved Phillies: Yes, it’s a damn shame the Phillies lost the World Series to the most despicable organization in professional sports, the New York Yankees. To even the playing field I suggest you go ahead and sell the Turnpike to the Swiss or whoever the hell wanted the damn thing and use the proceeds to buy up every baseball player in MLB with a batting average over .290 or has an ERA below 3.00. Then we can have 27 World Series Championship banners hanging in Citizens Bank Park. I also think it would be prudent for you to know that Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes as reported by many sleazy magazines. Google it, you’ll find it to be true. Yes, he is the smug little jackass we all think he is. At any rate, think on this subject and let me know if I can help the Phillies in any way for the 2010 season. Oh, and if you need anyone to interview ball girls my partner Muggsy and I are up for the job.
Now, to the business at hand, my partner and I question the free service clause you suggested for the current and future governors at brothels if they were to become legal. Now, I would have no problem allowing this opportunity for you. Hell, I would let you screw the women on a mattress made of cheese steaks and I would provide the cheese steaks. No, what I am concerned with is who might replace you as governor. What if it were a Republican? As we all know the higher echelons of the party are largely comprised of sexual deviates in denial. It is not uncommon to find one of these bastard homophobes being caught trying to suck the pecker of an undercover cop in a McDonald’s bathroom and afterward claiming they slipped in a puddle of urine and merely fell towards the cop’s night stick. Inevitably this bastard will be the leader of some anti-gay organization. They hate women! If you force one of them to come to our brothel we could have a real mess on our hands. I assume you’ve heard of Jack the Ripper? You don’t think he was a self-hating homosexual? Who knows what they would do to a beautiful woman when deep down in their closeted souls they really want to be with a man? The possibilities are too frightening for me to get a grip on completely.
I know you once compared prostitution to contract killing but we both know you said that because it was the politically correct thing to do. I have no problem with that as I know you have to appear squeaky clean to get into office. In the tabloids they have linked you to the prostitute Elliot Spitzer had been using. Again, none of my business but this shows me we can work together.
What would you suggest? I think we include the clause for you but have it run out at the end of your term. How does that sound? There’s nothing wrong with being gay but hiding it can cause all sorts of problems. I think we need to put together a think tank for this issue to come up with the best possible solution. Please get back to me as soon as possible on this matter. Muggsy and I will be at the Bunny Ranch this weekend but you can shoot me an E-mail. Thank-you for your time my old friend.
Yours truly,
Kerouacked
P.S. We should also work to eliminate the DH. It gives the American League an unfair advantage in inter-league play. Also, let’s work to do away with the winner of that stupid Allstar game getting home field advantage in the World Series. Use your influence Big Ed. I know you can do it. Again anything I can do to help even the playing field I will do.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Pig Flu
Two nights ago upon leaving the gym I felt somewhat woozy, as if someone had sucked the oxygen out of my head with some super powered industrial vacuum cleaner. My stomach churned and as I made my way towards the car I smelled burned hair. My first reaction was to consider I was having a stroke. For I’ve heard people strangely report smelling burned hair when having a stroke. My fears were eased when I saw a guy with long hair lighting a cigarette and he had accidentally caught his mane on fire. Naturally I would have tried to help him put out his head but I was in no condition to do so. I figured he had enough hair between him and his head that he would be able to put it out before his scalp started to sizzle like a piece of scrapple on skillet.
When I reached my car I began to shiver and my hand shook as I pulled the door open. It was then that I realized I might have contracted the blasted swine virus that had been galloping across the landscape. How I might have contracted this dreaded bug was a baffling goddamn mystery. I had thoroughly sanitized myself and my surroundings wherever I went. Yes, of course people got pissed off at me when I sprayed them with bleach when I came into contact with them but so is the cost of self-preservation. Sometimes you have to make a few enemies to stay healthy. I wore a surgical mask, rubber gloves and rubbed my body down with hand sanitizer, all to no avail. This damn pig flu had been tricky. Obviously there had been some sort of hole in my defenses but what? And then it hit me. While I was on the treadmill a very attractive women and I had been chatting. I said something witty, which of course comes naturally to me, and she playfully hit me in the arm. Aha! Yes, this was when I must have contracted the bug. I slammed my car door shut and headed back towards the gym. I would find this germ spreading seductress and suggest we ride this pig sickness out together in front of my fireplace on my giraffe fur rug, naked of course but first I needed to puke…
When I reached my car I began to shiver and my hand shook as I pulled the door open. It was then that I realized I might have contracted the blasted swine virus that had been galloping across the landscape. How I might have contracted this dreaded bug was a baffling goddamn mystery. I had thoroughly sanitized myself and my surroundings wherever I went. Yes, of course people got pissed off at me when I sprayed them with bleach when I came into contact with them but so is the cost of self-preservation. Sometimes you have to make a few enemies to stay healthy. I wore a surgical mask, rubber gloves and rubbed my body down with hand sanitizer, all to no avail. This damn pig flu had been tricky. Obviously there had been some sort of hole in my defenses but what? And then it hit me. While I was on the treadmill a very attractive women and I had been chatting. I said something witty, which of course comes naturally to me, and she playfully hit me in the arm. Aha! Yes, this was when I must have contracted the bug. I slammed my car door shut and headed back towards the gym. I would find this germ spreading seductress and suggest we ride this pig sickness out together in front of my fireplace on my giraffe fur rug, naked of course but first I needed to puke…
The bomb squad had to visit my house last night because some derange psychopath left a curiously wrapped package on my stoop. I turned out to be a detonating device screwed into 20 pounds of C4, enough high end explosive to make yours truly and any neighbor within 1000 yards of him instant confetti. Luckily I had trained my ever faithful Chihuahuas to sniff out bombs in case anything like this were to ever occur and when I released them they ran straight for the box and urinated on it, indicating to me that they were marking their territory or there was something malicious inside. I suspected the latter of the two since I am naturally paranoid and prone to illusions of grandeur and lucky I am because it did indeed turn out to be a bomb. You see when one fights for justice and truth and the will of the people they will cause fear in those who suppress and stomp on these freedoms.
With the movement Muggsy and I have begun to get a legal brothel in Harrisburg I figured the whackos would start coming out of the plastic woodwork but I never thought they would find their way out this quickly. Evidently one of Rendell’s staffers is a mole working for the crazy Christian right. I can’t figure who else would have leaked the information about our plans. Unless it was one of you bastards that reads this blog. If it was I will have to remind you that by entering this blog you give up all rights. This is not a democracy you have entered but a dictatorship, a dictatorship that preserves democracy but a dictatorship just the same. I was merely testing you my dear readers. I know none of you would expose my plans but you understand I had to show my full hand for this mission Muggsy and I are on must not be derailed for ANY REASON! So, if you know of anyone trying to stop this very important political mission turn the bastard over to me and he or she will be dealt with accordingly. Thank-you, your full cooperation is greatly appreciated.
P.S. Oh, and yes I have considered that the bomb was left by a certain crazy delusional woman. This avenue is also being thoroughly investigated. The Chihuahuas have picked up a scent and are trailing the maker of this bomb as we speak. If it is this woman they are to go for the jugular and ask questions later.
With the movement Muggsy and I have begun to get a legal brothel in Harrisburg I figured the whackos would start coming out of the plastic woodwork but I never thought they would find their way out this quickly. Evidently one of Rendell’s staffers is a mole working for the crazy Christian right. I can’t figure who else would have leaked the information about our plans. Unless it was one of you bastards that reads this blog. If it was I will have to remind you that by entering this blog you give up all rights. This is not a democracy you have entered but a dictatorship, a dictatorship that preserves democracy but a dictatorship just the same. I was merely testing you my dear readers. I know none of you would expose my plans but you understand I had to show my full hand for this mission Muggsy and I are on must not be derailed for ANY REASON! So, if you know of anyone trying to stop this very important political mission turn the bastard over to me and he or she will be dealt with accordingly. Thank-you, your full cooperation is greatly appreciated.
P.S. Oh, and yes I have considered that the bomb was left by a certain crazy delusional woman. This avenue is also being thoroughly investigated. The Chihuahuas have picked up a scent and are trailing the maker of this bomb as we speak. If it is this woman they are to go for the jugular and ask questions later.
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