I wish there was something I could take to forget about you. When I drink you away you came back in the morning with my hangover, pounding on the insides of my head. There has to be something, anything...

She smiled. “I’m twenty-two, the second youngest of eleven children.”

“You’re full of shit.”

“No, really I am.”

“Why did your parents have so many kids? Are you a Mormon or something?”

“No, I guess my parents just liked to fuck a lot.”

I spit some beer up.

“So why are you buying the drinks for these five guys,” I asked.

“These are my brothers.”

I looked at them. They looked like they’d fallen off the page of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. “Those aren’t your brothers.”

She smiled. “They’re my friends, they’re gay. They tell me to say that so guys don’t hit on me.”

I took a drink from my beer. “Well, I’m not hitting on you.”

She smiled. She was gorgeous. “I know your not,” she said.

“Let me buy you a drink.”

“Okay, rum and coke.”

I ordered the drink. Her gay friends were looking me over. “Do they want something?”

“You don’t need to get them anything.”

That smile. “What do you do?” she asked.

“A lot of things.”

She laughed.

“I am a writer and a personal trainer and I work in a law firm.”

“You’re a writer?”

“I’m whatever you want me to be.” Sure it was a bad line but when you’re drunk it seems clever and she laughed so I was good.

Her hair fell in her face and I gently moved it to the side.

“Can I kiss you?” I asked.

I didn’t wait for her to answer…

…

I woke up and didn’t know where the fuck I was and then I saw the blonde. I got out of bed and went looking for the bathroom. There were wood steps and I started up them. At the top I lost my footing and still being drunk and high my face smashed into the ground.

It didn’t hurt much but the blood was pouring out. It was everywhere, on the carpet and steps, on my shirt. I dripped blood all the way to the bathroom where I tried to stop the flow with a hand towel. I knew then that it was time to get the fuck out of this place before I had to explain the blood everywhere.

My shoes and jacket were on the couch next to the door. I flicked on the light and got a look at the blood. It looked like someone had been ritually sacrificing goats with a dull knife.

The door was thankfully quiet and I slipped out into the night. The city was asleep and the cold air felt good in my lungs. I didn’t know where the fuck I was but my buzz was still going strong, at least I had that going for me…

A Night in DC

She ran her fingers over the lightning bolt shaped veins that run down each side of my head. “You look mean,” she said.

“Good mean or bad mean?” I asked.

“Good mean. You look tough,” she said.

I downed my shot and she ran her fingers over the back of my neck. I tried to remember what day it was but the booze and pills made all the days run together. I guessed it was Friday and my watch told me I was right.

“I’m heading out,” my brother said.

I took a drink from my beer and when I looked back he was gone. It was just the two of us now. I ordered two more shots. I couldn’t get drunk enough or lost enough to forget yet. That’s what I was aiming to do—to forget, to erase every memory of her from my mind. I was almost there.

She leaned over and whispered in my ear. “You know my house is only two blocks from here..”

I downed my shot and took a swig of beer. She traced the lightning bolt vein on my head with her finger. I couldn’t feel her touch. I was numb.

“What’s your name again?” I asked.

She got an indignant look on her face. I guess I’d asked one too many times. She was a nice girl and meant something to someone; probably her boyfriend but she didn’t mean anything to me.

She downed her shot. “It’s Candy.”

“That’s right, Candy. How could I forget such a beautiful name?”

Of course I was full of shit but she smiled and the booze helped erase any animosity I might have stirred up. I was back in but did I want to be?

I ordered two more shots. “So you’re an attorney, Candy?”

“Yeah, I practice international law.”

“Cool. You travel a lot?”

“Yeah, and I can take people with me. I have a ton of frequent flyer miles.”

“I bet your boyfriend likes that.”

“I don’t take him. He’s boring.”

“Am I boring?”

She ran the back of her hand against my beard. “No you’re mean.”

“Right.”

She kissed my cheek. I should have felt something but I didn’t.

In the movies or other people’s lives she comes back and she says it was all a mistake that she wants to be with you forever. You kiss and they cue the theme music. In my world I sit and wait and the dust thickens and the cobwebs grow and I toss back another beer or pill and time distorts so I can make it through another day but still she doesn’t come. After a while I forget if she was even real, the only thing that remains is the pain and the empty beer bottles.

I popped a few tranquilizers--washing them down with a beer--and slowly the world around me became soft and bright. The people on TV were all smiling at me and the colors around them were so brilliant I felt as if I had never seen anything like them before. I drifted in and out of sleep all day and it felt good to relax after so much anxiety. You probably wouldn’t understand, then again maybe you would. Sometimes it is better to be unconscious than to face those things that eat at us, drive us to do things that we normally wouldn’t do. Sometimes it is good just to be high…

So you say that you’ve seen the light but how do you know it is THE light? Maybe it was just a car’s headlight reflecting off a cat’s eye. Perhaps it was the lighter of a crack head firing up her glass pipe. My point is that seeing the light might not be at all what people recount when they have an epiphany. THE light might not be THE light at all but rather the absence of darkness, a whole in the black scenery of life. Another dimension in a world that means nothing…

I am thinking. Yes, of course of you…well, maybe not exactly you but of things pertaining to you. Okay, maybe I’m not even thinking of things pertaining to you but rather of my world in general and you of course are part of that world. Actually, maybe I’m not exactly being truthful on that matter either. You really aren’t a part of my world but rather a person I once knew, so in all reality you are just a memory, not a being of flesh and bone. Since memories are things of thin air its quite possible I imagined I knew you in which case I really couldn’t be thinking of YOU because you don’t exist. There, now that this is settled I can go back to eating my Cheerios...

A lousy week until I turn 40. Obviously it is all downhill from here…or perhaps I was never up on that hill to begin with and my decline will be unnoticeable, chartable only under an electron microscope. I’ve begun for this most unpleasant event to grow a rather scruffy beard and have refused to shave my head to its usual nakedness. I have also ceased all bathing much to the chagrin of those in close proximity of me in the gym. These preparations for this upcoming milestone in my life are my rebellion against growing old.

Who the fuck invented getting old anyway? Why do my mitochondria have to stop working to full capacity? Why can’t I coax these little powerhouses with treats? A box of chocoloates?

This all too goddamn depressing to delve too far into. Perhaps I will just keep up my rebellion and build up a thick crust of beard and dirt and then a thousand years from now someone can crack this shell open and I will be perfectly preserved. Yes, that is what I will do. Thank-you for your time. Your input has been most useful…

I'm having more and more trouble concentrating. I’m not sure if it is a lack of discipline or perhaps something more sinister. Was my brain taken by aliens? Is the mass in my head now just a computer left to observe the life of humans around me while only functioning minimally on portions of the old me? Yes, I believe this to be the case. Today I will cut out this insidious computer and restore my old brain function with a DVD player and a DVD of Seinfeld episodes. Is anyone out there in the market for a slightly used alien computer brain?

My niece said the sweetest thing to me recently. She asked, "Are you an adult? Because you act like a big kid." ha ha I take that as a compliment.

I was up at 5:30. Sure, I would have liked to have slept in but I couldn't. My dogs heard something outside and were obviously concerned for my safety so they barked and jumped madly on my bed. I got up and let them out and just as I was about to shut the door I saw something run under a bush. It was a gnome. I've had a problem with gnomes lately--an infestation if you will--and have tried stun guns and traps to no avail. They can be insidious little creatures and once put a hornets nest under the front seat of my car. I didn't find the nest until I had gotten in the car and been stung several dozen times. This is when I declared war on gnomes.

So, this morning I let the Chihuahuas attack and the drug the gnome out from under the bush. I grabbed him and picked him up by the scruff of his red jacket.

"What the hell are you doing in my yard?"

He looked up at me and glared. "This is my house. You stole it from me."

He bit my finger and I threw him in a trap I had bought some years later for skunks. I drove him out into the country and let him go near a farm. I know he'll be back but it will take him a few days on those stumpy little legs...

So, let me get this straight. Twitter is micro-blogging? Now people can't even be bothered to write or read anything more than tiny snippets? I looked over some of the entries on different Twitter pages and quite honestly most of them didn't make a lick of sense. I realize these are often personal messages but does anyone really need to know that you just walked your dog? For god's sake write something witty or remotely fucking interesting. Use your damn brain...

Unbelievable. Apparently there are rednecks showing up at Obama’s speaking engagements carrying guns and not just any guns but weapons that include assault rifles. These “protesters” claim they are just exercising their rights. I say bullshit to that. They are trying to intimidate and bully. They aren’t smart enough or man enough to show up at event like this and try to match wits with someone like Obama. They need their guns because they are cowards and lack intelligence.

In some of the states Obama is visiting they have open gun carrying laws which makes this spectacle possible. Are you kidding me? What the hell is this? The Wild West? No one needs to carry a gun to a political event. This is very worrisome….

Last night I broke open a bottle of bourbon my good friend gave me for my 30th birthday. Yes, I kept the bottle for ten years and I’m aware that bourbon in the bottle doesn’t age but I kept it for the hell of it. Anyway, I sat on my deck and forced down several drinks until the world around me started to lose its edge. It was damn hot and as I became more and more intoxicated I began to remover articles of clothing until ¾ of the way through the bottle I was completely naked. No one could see me because I have a security wall surround my compound which by the way is topped with razor wire. The only way people can see me is if I stand on the table on my deck which is what I did around 9:00 PM. Unfortunately, a group of neighborhood women were taking a walk and spotted me. They screamed and I threw the empty bottle at them. I lost my footing and fell off the table hitting my head. The next thing I know I’m waking up in the hospital handcuffed to a hospital bed. After filling out some paperwork for the hospital and police station I was released. Today when those damn women take their walk I will release the attack Chihuahuas on them…

I roll over in bed and an empty beer bottle falls to the floor and rolls across the room coming to a stop when it hits the leg of a chair. It’s a crude goddamn alarm clock but you’d be surprised how effective it is. The only problem is you can’t set it for any particular time. It just goes when it goes.

Hmm, I can’t find my I-Pod. I’m pretty sure it was in my gym bag. If it isn’t in the lost and found at the gym then it is gone. My wallet was already swiped at the gym so I don’t hold much hope that it will be there. It would be the second MP3 player I “lost.” I had a Sirius MP3 Player/Radio receiver that was stolen out of my vehicle. Am I hiding my anger well? Maybe the holes in the brick wall out back will give you a good idea of how pissed this makes me. Either my I-Pod fell out of my bag and I didn’t notice it or when I left my bag unattended someone snagged it. It had better be at the gym…

I coming up on 40 in less than a month. What does this mean? I’ll tell you when I get there. I will say that at this moment I don’t feel the need for a toupee or to purchase a red convertible corvette. I am not mourning the loss of my youth because well, I still think of myself as young and still pretty much feel the same as I did when I was in my teens, although hopefully much wiser.

Anyone that knows me or has read this blog knows that I hate aggressive drivers. I don’t like the fact that they are putting my safety in jeopardy because they feel like tail gaiting me or are too impatient to wait to pass and cut me off. So, last night I was coming off the on ramp and merging onto another road. Some jerk in a utility van—who by the way was riding my ass—tried to come off the on ramp and pass me as I was merging into the left lane. He couldn’t wait for me to merge he had to try to pass me. Needless to say the prick almost hit me. As a rule I rarely get angry when driving but sometimes I do lose my cool. This was one of those times. I could see him coming up around me screaming and yelling. He pulled up beside me and I flipped him off. He looked somewhat surprised that I was built like I am. I think he expected some wimp to be driving a Prius. Wrong.

Can anyone explain to me what has happened to human beings? So many of us seem to be assholes now. Is it the chemicals in the environment? Is it the increasing heat of the earth? What the fuck is it?

Do these yahoos that are interrupting these town hall meetings about health care reform have any clue what they are doing? Seriously, these idiots don’t want better health care? They want insurance companies to keep ripping us off, making more and more profit off of us and giving us less and less care? I mean use your fucking head. If you like your health care then you get to keep it so it shouldn’t be an issue for you. If you don’t like your health care it will only get better. If you are angry about the economy and are venting through these debates on health care reform then maybe you should be channeling your anger towards those that are responsible i.e. the Republicans. Right, the Democrats aren’t perfect either but at least they sometimes seem to care about something other than profit.

The problem is that these uneducated pricks that show up at these town hall meeting are basing their opinions on hearsay. They don’t have facts to back up what they say because if they actually read what was being proposed I doubt they would have issue with it. Of course they will say they’ve read a lot about the topic at hand but what they really mean is they’ve listened to some misinformation machine like Rush Limbaugh tell lies about what health care reform entails and they base their opinions on his bullshit. To someone that actually reads (yes me) these people look like complete imbeciles. Why in the hell would you side with the insurance companies? What have they ever done for you? Unless you own a shit load of stock or work for one of them then I would guess not a whole hell of a lot…

In other countries people eat horse meat. It’s not a big deal we eat deer here and they aren’t that much different than a horse but evidently in South Florida people are killing pet horses and stealing the meat off their bones. I read in an article that authorities are saying that there is a black market for horse meat in South Florida. They claim that with the many cultures collected in that area that there is a demand for such a “delicacy.” Well, I hate to inform these horse eaters but people aren’t fond of their pets being eaten over here. Adapt to the damn culture for god’s sake. This isn’t your own little mini-country. Save your horse meat hankering for when you go back to your home country and then stuff yourself with Trigger but leave little Suzie’s Buttercup the fuck alone you assholes…